Monday, August 30, 2004

I'm in love

Jimmy asked me how I love my students...let me count the ways! It's possible that no one but him will care to read this post, but what better way to begin the school year than with a meditation on love? One better way would probably involve being prepared for class tomorrow, something I will work on after blogging.

Teaching is loving, in my view. 1 Corinthians 13 is more useful for me as a vocational reading than a wedding reading. I try to be kind, slow to anger, patient, and focused on the interests of others. I try not to speak without love, lest I be a clanging cymbal. I try to see myself with humility, not as a know-it-all or boastful or envious of students or other scholars who are more intelligent than I am.

I believe love should be expressed with little or no subtlety, lest someone miss the point. So I say, "I love you; that's why I'm here with you", or "I'm so glad to see you - I was thinking about you all on the way to work this morning" to classes. I say "I love you" only to groups or classes, though, and not to individuals, because it's too easily sexualized. With individuals, I try to offer them several things, one being attentiveness over time. I consider myself a witness to their lives, to the extent that I see their lives. So, I tell a student, "I remember when you said or did this two years ago...what are you thinking about that now?" or "I remember when you were quiet in class and didn't have friends...now it seems that you're more confident and friendly - do you see that change in yourself?" I read the student newspaper for mentions of my students so I can praise them or ask them about their accomplishments.

I also offer gifts of words - words of care, compassion, and blessing. I try to offer blessings as parting words. "I'm proud of you", "I believe in you and I think you'll make it" or "I want to thank you for something you've taught me..." And I do try to learn from them insights about life, relationships, race, ethnicity, etc...

I try to view students as essentially equal to myself, and for me, this view lies behind my actions of love. I accept them as they are - mostly white, mostly middle class, mostly trapped in evangelical lingo, mostly closely linked to their parents' faith and views, mostly politically conservative... but I also see them as makers of their own lives, capable of change. I consider myself a co-learner in the classroom, but different in that I'm the person who got to the material first. I've been studying it longer, and in more depth than them. And I'm the person who sets the agenda, chooses the books, crafts the flow of time together, and evaluates their progress. But with respect to the subject matter, I'm totally interested and engaged, and am still a learner myself. Race, ethnic, and cultural issues change constantly, so the social truths about these matters have shifted since last semester- there is much for me to learn, too.

The challenges I face in being a lover of students also change every semester. This semester I'm still grieving, but my grief doesn't overwhelm and sabotage my daily life. My impulse is to stay away from campus, and close my door other than office hours to protect myself. I don't really need that much protection, though. I need to daily choose to be available and attentive. For me, that means working with door open, doing my reading in a student lounge, and working in the library.

A second and constant challenge is being busy. I am trying to institute a new practice in my life, something I've done since last year. When students come to my office and say, "I"m sure you're really busy, but..." I want to say, "I'm not busy at all. I have time for you." This means arranging my time so that I'm not busy. It's unhealthy to model frantic busy-ness for students, and profs do it all the time. If I'm really busy, I should shut my door and get some work done, and only be visible to students when I'm available to them.

Tell me what you think. Did you experience a professor who loved students? What did he/she do that made you see the love?

// posted by Jenell Williams Paris @ 8:30 AM 13 comments

13 Comments:

  • it's carla. First, I wish you had been one of my professors. I would have adored you. Second, the professors I loved most were the ones who talked with me about things that had nothing to do with their class. I loved it when my philosophy prof asked me about the play I was in or when my english prof talked about his dog. I liked professors who acted as though they had a friendship with their students. I also liked profs who showed up at parties to which they'd been invited. If they danced with us, even better.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:29 AM  

  • I'm coming to Bethel someday to shadow you. I LOVE this post -- thank you!

    By Blogger Hugo, at 2:16 PM  

  • I'm with Carla - I wish you had been one of my professors. I don't think I ever had a conversation with one of my professors that wasn't directly related to class or the subject matter - at least not as an undergrad. Well, except for one, but he thought I was crazy, so I didn't exactly feel the love.

    Words of blessing would have meant a lot to me then - hell, they mean a lot to me now - so keep doing what you're doing. It's important.

    By Blogger Christy, at 2:18 PM  

  • I had a professor who would say "Hi Rachel!" whenever she saw me crossing campus, even though I'd only had her for one Intro to Chemistry class two years earlier. That was cool.

    In general, though, I was too intimidated to talk to any of my profs about anything other than classwork (and rarely that). I regret that now.
    - Rachel L.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:08 PM  

  • 1. i had one professor who hugged me after i returned to school after my father's death. i still adore him, and buy his books in return. :)
    2. i had one professor who let me read ALL of Jamaica Kinkaid's "Girl" in front of the class. that was the WORST semester of my life (strangely, not the same semester as mentioned in #1) and for a few moments i felt like i WAS worth listening to, and she believed it. we ended up talking everytime we saw each other for the next couple years, and she was thankfully the Baylor Teacher of the Year the year i graduated.

    By Blogger kp, at 5:42 PM  

  • I had Jenell for a prof. my senior year. It was a general education course that had nothing to do with my major. I usually hated those courses. But she had such a passion for what she taught and an actual interest in what the students had to say, that I loved that class. Thanks Jenell.
    --abby (erlandson) hendricks

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:51 PM  

  • Thanks Abby, I'll send you that $10 I promised for writing that comment.
    Jenell

    By Blogger Jenell, at 9:47 AM  

  • I would say all of my business professors at Bethel took a great personal interest in their students. I really enjoyed being a part of that department. I still keep in touch with a couple of my profs and they are still interested in what I am up to. Leo Gabriel is at the top of my list of profs that love their students.
    jms

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:25 PM  

  • I recall Professor Mike Holmes from Bethel as having a very touching way of sharing the joys and sorrows of his life with students. I was deeply moved by this and will always remember him as one who educated others in very authentic ways.

    laura t smith

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:01 PM  

  • I really like your attitude about teaching and your relationship with your students. It's much easier for students to pay attention and really learn if they feel a trust for the faculty. Unfortunately many faculty, even at Bethel, don't claim the same or at least don't act that way and get "PhD syndrome". While it may be true that the professor knows much more than the student at the subject matter being taught (that's sorta the point), it's important to realize that everyone can learn something from everyone else and arrogance is not a way to gain friends.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:17 AM  

  • This post has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Blogger Tonya, at 10:08 PM  

  • Jenell - I'm sure you'll agree that the Lettingas modeled love all the time during their 19 years at Bethel. Mostly, they were available to students, and vulnerable with those they got to know well. I think availability and vulnerability are the two most powerful things we can offer anyone, anywhere at anytime. That's the stuff that God can use.

    I haven't had any contact with you since we were on the same CWC teaching team in 199? (yikes!) but from reading your blog (at the recommendation of LTSmith) you seem to be modeling both A & V in many avenues of your life. God bless and keep on running the race!

    Tonya Toutge

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Thursday, August 26, 2004

I'm Smelling Cat Pee While I Blog

I can't tell where in the room it's coming from. I'm pretty sure I know with whom it originated, though.

The highlights are nice. I'd say they brighten more than lighten - they're pretty subtle. The two inches taken off my hair is more than subtle, though, and it looks good. A chunky bob sort of cut. It took James a few minutes to notice, but it pleased him that I went to the effort to do my hair. I put on make-up, too, because work started yesterday (2-day faculty retreat). And I wore "work clothes" (that means "not sweats"). You'd hardly recognize me!

Greg Boyd (former Bethel faculty) addressed the faculty this morning, and it gave me much to think about. He's been on a leave-of-absence from Woodland Hills Church for several months, considering whether or not he wants to remain a pastor. He said he's in a crisis of faith. He said he was questioning whether or not there is a meaningful relationship between the church and the kingdom of God. Does the church contribute to the koG, or could we better love people and change the world without organized religion? He says the koG is about love, but if you went up to a person on the corner and asked them what born-again evangelicals are like, no one would say 'love.' They'd say 'judgment', 'arrogance', 'isolation', or 'moralistic.' What people say about the evangelical church today is what people once said about the Pharisees.

Greg said that if you have the right gifts, it's not hard to start and run a mega-church. He's concerned that his charismatic, entertaining speaking style is feeding peoples' consumer desires for church. Is he just feeding more entertainment to American evangelicals?

In the end, he said he thinks he was asking the wrong question at the start. His question was, "Does the church contribute to the koG or not?", but embedded in that question was a deeper one, "How can I change the church so it becomes more loving?" In recent days he has refocused on the real question which is, "What am I supposed to be doing with my life to share God's love with others?" He can't change other people, and he can't change the nature of the church, but he can change his own life. He says he's still called to love people, specifically to love evangelical people in his church as a pastor. Maggi Dawn has been writing about this also - if you're in the church only to change it, that's not right. We should love each other, love the church, and love the world.

It was helpful for me in thinking about being a professor this year. Do I see my students as deficient and in need of change? Do I view them as uneducated, naive, and parochial? Or do I love them as they are, and invite them to join me in exploring God's world together?

// posted by Jenell Williams Paris @ 9:46 PM 4 comments

4 Comments:

  • What you write about Greg Boyd is of great interest to me and I'm glad to know that he's asking such questions of himself and his church. Along these lines I've spent some time this week with an article by Brian McLaren along with a response from Dr. Duane Litfin, President of Wheaton College. PDFs of both can be found on this site "nextreformation.com" on the August 19th entry. I highly recommend these readings. Some of what Greg is struggling with is right in line with portions of Brian's article... It has given me much to think about as well.

    Look forward to seeing the highlights Prof. Paris ;-)
    -L. Smith

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:12 AM  

  • Can a prof. love a student, and still think of them as naive and in need of taking steps in a path in which the prof thinks they should go? I think so. If not, professors would stop being professors. No one would teach that which they do not believe worthy of being taught (unless they got paid a hell of a lot of money for it, I suppose). Hopefully profs still hold on to the belief that they know something the students don't and want to help them gain this knowledge. But I'd like to hear from you your ideas about what it would look like to 'love' a student. I wish some of my profs had loved me by spending more time with me and taking me further down the path they were on themselves. How do you do it?

    By Blogger Jimmy, at 10:20 PM  

  • I think Greg is dealing with questions we, at SP have been dealing with since it's inception (6 years ago). Doug spent years of his life as a very successful pastor in a mega church and has a similiar skill set as Greg Boyd. I am thankful for his willingness to consider leaving his power (in his ability to attract and lead masses) behind in search of a different way to "be church" and a potentially better way to love people. I think Greg's soul would sense some healing if he would read Reimagining Spiritual Formation: A week in the Life of an Experimental Church. I have heard from many pastors that this book has been both healing and eye opening for them.

    Shelley P.

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Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Ssssshhhhh... Can you keep a secret?

I have two secrets that I'm keeping from James. The first is that I'm getting my hair highlighted today. I haven't colored my hair since 1990, when I dyed it brown before college because so many women at Bethel were blonde. During high school I dyed it black (bad), red (bad), and had it highlighted with super-blonde streaks at Aveda (also bad). I'm going back to Aveda because Aveda and I have alot in common, namely that we're both cheap. I called Ahize, but they are $35-50.

I have claimed to have a quasi-moral opposition to hair highlighting - the kind of opposition that is really just a moralizing of personal preference. And it's not that I think my hair looks great. I know the highlighting crowd looks better than me - it's just that I don't care. But I do care that my husband thinks I look good, and he wants to see what I look like with highlights.

Wish me well...it's a beauty school, after all.

My second secret is that Opal peed on a rug last Friday night when I slept over at my friend's house. It's just a small throw rug that extends out from her litter box to catch litter-kicks.

Someone Doesn't Like Me

The book review of Sexuality and Holy Longing came out yesterday in Books & Culture (my review is only in print, not on-line). Thanks to all who came and offered opinions. Some people sort of liked it, and some really didn't like it, but none of you had the opinion of this man who e-mailed me. His name is Richard. I think he should be more appalled at the author of the book and her college (Wheaton) than with me and my college...oops, I mean university. Here's the text of his e-mail.

I am appalled at your endorsement of "Sexuality and Holy Longing". Seeking first the kingdom of God seems not to be the norm at Bethel U. I would never advise young person to attend there.

I can hardly wait to see what's in my e-mail inbox today!

// posted by Jenell Williams Paris @ 8:37 AM 12 comments

12 Comments:

  • for cryin' out loud woman, what did you say to elicit such a reaction? And to think he felt this way about you--and Bethel--before the highlights! Carla

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:04 AM  

  • It's LaTonya the Lurker. I thought the book (and the review) were both good. I liked the chapter on singleness.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:11 AM  

  • I wish you could post a pic of the highlights! I am sad I can't see them in all their sun-kissed glory. I am sure they will only enhance an already beautiful woman.

    By Blogger Rachie Rach and the Funky Bunch, at 12:27 PM  

  • When can I read your review?

    And you must post that hair...

    By Blogger Solomon's Girl, at 2:08 PM  

  • This post has been removed by a blog administrator.

    By Blogger kp, at 5:22 PM  

  • Here in God's Country (MN), one can buy Books and Culture at Northwestern Bookstores (those outside of paradise must go to their own Xian retailer). Or we can all put the heat on LaTonya and see if we can get her to send us a pile. LaTonya, Raelynn knows how to find me, if you know what I'm sayin'.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:41 PM  

  • So, did James like the new hair?
    -Rachel L.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 1:07 PM  

  • Is that in the Sept. issue of B&C?

    By Blogger kp, at 3:06 PM  

  • Hey, Carla,

    Gotcha. Look for 'em soon!

    LaTonya

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Friday, August 20, 2004

Good Food

I made curried chicken turnovers last night - incredible! The curry had applesauce, cream, tomato, ginger... it's in this month's Martha Stewart magazine. James appreciated it, which was nice, but I wanted us to eat our meal in silence and revere the curry. He wanted to talk about how the day was.

I have an open day today. I want to finish an article, water the yard, weed, put on switchplate covers, and paint a bit. And read. I'm loving my new book The Barn at the End of the World: The Apprenticeship of a Quaker Catholic Shepherd. I'll write more about it later.

But back to the curry... what's the best thing you've eaten recently?

// posted by Jenell Williams Paris @ 9:11 AM 3 comments

3 Comments:

  • Eli says the best thing he has eaten recently is homemade Apple Pie, and I say that it is a polenta, fresh mozarella, and vegetable stack I made for dinner a few days ago. The curry puffs sound AMAZING. Totally up my alley. I will have to check out the recipe.

    By Blogger Rachie Rach and the Funky Bunch, at 11:26 AM  

  • I'd say it's a tossup between perfectly ripe nectarines and the Kheer (cardamom rice pudding) at India Palace. I may have to try the turnover recipe with tofu or something like that. Sounds yummy.
    -Rachel L.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:45 AM  

  • This is very random... but I've had those turnovers, and wanting to make them again but not finding the recipe, I did a google search on curried chicken turnovers & Martha Stewart, and your site was the only thing that gave a hit. So I was wondering if you could maybe post the recipe? Or you can send it to me, my email is smiggy54@hotmail.com. I love this recipe so much and I cannot find it ANYWHERE and it would be great if you could send it. If not, no hard feelings.

    -Annie

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:24 PM  

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Thursday, August 19, 2004

Carnal Knowledge

On Monday, I spent the entire day shopping. I wanted to buy felt furniture pads, light bulbs, ceiling fan glass lights, curtains, cabinet handles, and spray paint. The curtains nearly did me in. I looked at Penney's, IKEA, Menard's (don't bother), Pier 1, Bed Bath & Beyond, Linens and Things, and World Market. I hung eight different curtains on the window to try them out. By mid-afternoon I felt overstimulated and angry.

A few nights earlier, James and I watched The Dreamers, a movie about a young American man who goes to Paris in 1968 and becomes friends with French twins, a brother and sister. The French siblings are very, very close to each other. They don't have other close friends, they sleep together, and the brother masturbates in front of the sister. They choose to include the American in their intimate relationship while their parents are away on holiday. They spend a week or so in their parents' apartment, exploring life mostly from a nude perspective. Meanwhile, the 1968 Paris student riots are happening in the street below the apartment. The friends discuss how and whether to participate in social revolution, and these choices eventually terminate their friendship.

The Dreamers is the kind of film I was taught to avoid. And if, for some reason I should happen to sneak a peak, I should point out that the film was potentially interesting, but unfortunately the director had to put dirty filth in it. It also had some swearing, which I'd like to also identify as dirty filth. "Dirty filth" is redundant, I know, but it is very important that the point be made.

Shopping, on the other hand, is the kind of activity I was taught to enjoy. Shopping was a leisure activity, and after financial obligations and tithing, discretionary income was free to be spent on clothes, music, clothes, Christian knick-knacks, or clothes. Buying from sales and clearance racks was what distinguished my family --frugal Christians-- from worldly people who buy things full-price. Both the Christians and the worldly people were Americans, though, so of course we all shopped.

Feeling confused and overstimulated, I decided to relax and eat. Ruby and I went outside on the deck to eat cold chicken, water, and grapes. I shared the water and chicken with her, but stopped her from licking moisture off the grapes. I need to preserve some dignity for myself in our relationship. For several minutes I watched Ruby drinking water with focused attention, and a phrase came to mind. "It is not good for you to know these things." I had learned many things on Monday. I knew the entire curtain stock of numerous stores, and the overlap in stock between stores. I knew which stores had sales, and which didn't. I knew the approximate prices for sheers, drapes, lined curtains, and shower curtains (don't bother trying to hang shower curtains on a sliding glass door). I had made the acquaintance of eight salespeople. I knew the returns policies for Linens and Things, Bed Bath & Beyond, and Menard's.

It is not good for me to know these things because such knowledge is carnal. Knowledge of shopping is about the body. It is about adorning the body, associating the body with status-related objects, comforting the body by placing it on furniture, and ultimately, conflating the body and its associated objects with human identity. If you want to know who I am, look at what I buy. By objects, you can assess the wealth, style, race, language, and religion of a person.

In The Dreamers, I saw breasts, penises, nudity, sex, and cursing. I learned about three different bodies, and the body hair preferences of Euros. This isn't especially important, but it's interesting. I also learned about three young adults trying to make choices about who to love, how to love, and how to be responsible members of a society. James and I talked about some of our friends, and the ways in which they form friendships and romantic relationships. We talked about religion, and how hard it is for people to find direction in life and meaning in relationships without transcendent values.

Learning about people, relationships, sexuality, and France is good because it is real. Learning about what worldly people do is also good because we're all people of this world. Learning about curtains is bad, for obvious and numerous reasons. Sometimes a person just needs curtains, though, and I'm glad I found some at World Market. But I'm driving myself frazzled trying to create a peaceful space. I'm going to slow down, shop less, and watch another movie.



// posted by Jenell Williams Paris @ 9:55 AM 3 comments

3 Comments:

  • I loved this post, for so many reasons that I can't seem to articulate at the moment. But I love your thoughts on learning about people, relationships and sexuality. That is exactly where God has me right now, and it's hard. But I believe that they are the things that God wants us to learn about, wants us to know and He will and does bring us to that place of learning...sometimes in the most unexpected ways. Thanks for your thoughts, and for affirming this place that I find myself in.

    By Blogger sarah, at 11:20 AM  

  • Seriously.

    That was the best put arugment for that case that I've ever heard.

    By Blogger Solomon's Girl, at 11:46 AM  

  • I wonder if you would be willing to blog a bit around how your values in particular inform your sense of meaning in friendships and with your husband. I'm in the midst of working with this for myself and need some community dialogue. I hope it isn't to invasive a request?

    Shelly

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:21 PM  

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Monday, August 16, 2004

Born Again (subtitle: Hallelujah! The Bible Occasionally Makes Sense!)

My babies were only born once. It was difficult for them to be conceived, and then they struggled to strip nutrition from food that just dipped its toes into my stomach before being vomited. They developed brains, bones, eyes, skin, fingers, and toes. They looked like cell clusters, then tadpoles, then aliens, and then like little boys resembling their parents. They fought their fatal infection like soldiers, and were probably surprised to find their battle interrupted by labor. They experienced contractions and pressure, then birth, and still no rest. They lived intensely for a little while, blessing their parents by showing off reflexes, displaying their heartbeats, and transferring their warmth into our hands.

What is the point of such brief lives? From the perspective of a 32-year-old, it seems a waste to develop and grow in a difficult environment, only to shortly die. Humans should live longer, at least to age 32. Some have suggested to me that their lives were so flawed that God cut them short. If they had lived, perhaps they would have been terribly disabled, so let's simply trust that God knew what was best. I don't know whether or not my babies would have been retarded, but I know for certain that this suggestion is retarded. If they had been disabled, they would have been fabulous disabled people, and God and their parents and their friends would have enjoyed their lives fully.

Having observed the entirety of their little lives, I see that my life is much like theirs. I didn't get to die so soon after their births, however, which is something I have regretted deeply. The psalmist writes, "I will not die but live, and will proclaim what the Lord has done" (Psalm 118:17). I say that verse not as a proclamation, but with a shrug. OK, Lord, apparently I will not die but live. If this is so, I will heal and will live and will proclaim what the Lord has done.

To say that I did not die is an understatement. I was born again while giving birth. In the scope of human history, my life is as brief as my son's lives. In the scope of global suffering, the work that I do to grow and develop as a person may seem insignificant. But in my brief life, I can do just what my sons did. They showed off their reflexes, and I too can bless the world with the movements of my hands and feet. They displayed their heartbeats, and I too can run around this world with beating heart animating my love, laughter, and joy. They transferred the warmth of their bodies to their parents' hands. I too can offer the strength and heat of my body for the benefit of others. I believe that each moment of their lives was good, and so is each moment of mine. Life may be long or short, but life is always good.

I am born again to live with God. Isaiah quotes God (how does he do that?!), "I live in a high and holy place, but also with him who is contrite and lowly in spirit" (57:15). It is hard for me to seek God in his high and holy place, because he seems so far away. I find him close at hand, however, in my lowliness. Grief makes a person lie low and live low, and there is God in the lowliness.
When Jesus was brought low, falling to the ground under the weight of his cross, the Romans pushed an unwilling man forward to bear the cross' weight. (That's the way it happened in Mel Gibson's movie, anyway. Is he portrayed as unwilling in the biblical account? Need to check this before publishing this and appearing to be a Bible illiterate, a disability worse than the ones my sons might have had). I, too, have been unwillingly plucked out of the crowd and pushed toward Jesus, forced to share some of the weight of the cross. My infertility and the death of my sons is unjust. Fucking unjust, in fact. Other, less worthy women get pregnant all the time. Mary Kay LeTourneau got pregnant by her 6th grade student. And then she got pregnant a second time when she got out of prison and broke her release rules by going to have sex with the same boy again. Women abuse their children, and are then blessed with more. Crack and alcohol seem to work as well as assisted reproductive technologies for producing children. It's just so obviously unfair. I hate it, but I also accept it as the way of this world. Jesus suffered pain that was unfair, unjust, and undeserved. I suffer like that, too, and I was not a willing volunteer to bear my part of cosmic injustice.

I have also seen Jesus resurrected, however. I've seen it in the Bible, on flannel graphs, and in my imagination, and that's evidence enough for me. In despair, I expected my life to be continually hard, and then I would be reborn after death into eternal life with God. I did not expect to be reborn so soon, and while still living. My babies' death was the death of who I had been, and their transition into life eternal was the same for me. My sons are living life eternal now. I believe they have been absorbed into Love Itself, and are experiencing peace, joy, and rest. When I accept my life today as it is, and remember that life is good, then I live in that place too. We are separated, but it is not always such a severe separation.

// posted by Jenell Williams Paris @ 9:01 AM 11 comments

11 Comments:

  • Magnificent, Jenell: I have a lot of your posts to catch up on. As so often, you bring tears to my eyes. Thank you.

    By Blogger Hugo, at 1:15 PM  

  • Jenell -
    This is a fantastic post - I appreciate your honesty, and this is exactly what I needed to read today. Thanks.
    Christy

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:59 PM  

  • this is beautiful. thank you for sharing your pain and your joy with us.

    By Blogger bobbie, at 4:39 PM  

  • Jenell,
    Beautiful. The tears in my eyes are evidence of yet another poignant blog on your part. Your stories are alive in such a unique way.
    love,
    Rachel S.

    By Blogger Rachie Rach and the Funky Bunch, at 9:10 PM  

  • I can't do much more than echo the comments given before mine. I don't know all of why God brought our paths to cross, but I am grateful, and blessed, by hearing of your journey.

    By Blogger Ben, at 5:41 PM  

  • Wow.

    By Blogger Danny Stratford!, at 11:15 PM  

  • I don't think I've heard very much of your boys' story before this, Jenell. You are amazing and strong the way you continue to engage life and people and children in and through your pain.

    Thank you.

    By Blogger Stacey, at 12:45 AM  

  • Again, you show the living how to grieve, even if you never asked for this. Since we will all die one day and have loved ones die, thank you in advance for giving us gifts like this.

    By Blogger Jimmy, at 8:19 AM  

  • This was hard for me to read. I'm not a "blogger", but one of my dear friends in another state read this and thought of us (my husband and I). We, too, are struggling with infertility. Reading about the loss of your boys brought all of the sludgy, dreadful, black feelings right to the surface for me. We have not lost babies ourselves, so I do not know what it is exactly to walk in your shoes, except for the retarded theories that other believers come up with in an effort to sweeten your outlook. That part is so hard. I think other Christians often get in the way of my relationship with God. Of course, I let them do this.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:52 AM  

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Friday, August 13, 2004

Hair, Lurkers, Books, Paint, and Fajitas

What has Matt Lauer done to get his hair to grow back? Remarkable. I don't like him very much. I don't know anything about him, but I suspect that he got his job through privilege and not hard work. Speaking as an anthropologist now, that is the definition of "prejudice" - assessing a person when knowing nothing about them but appearance.

Open letter to readers: this blog is for everyone to comment. It is a fun place, and doesn't need to be taken too seriously most of the time. If you are a friend from another state, or a colleague from Bethel, or a dean at Bethel (I suspect one of them reads it!), then you can speak up here! Not that you have to, but I don't want you to think that comments are only from people in my small group. I've never met half the commenters - they're other bloggers.

I'm reading The Barn at the End of the World. It's a memoir/spiritual autobiography book about a woman who was raised Catholic, became Quaker, and spent a year of spiritual quest in which she learned to tend sheep and studied under Buddhists. I really like it. She's a professor at St. Thomas and grew up in Roseville. She's tending sheep with people from the St. Paul U of M, I think. I wish she would more clearly state where the sheep are - maybe it comes later. It's her individual, genuine spirituality expressed, with complex and idiosyncratic connections to numerous spiritual traditions.

My mom is coming over today to paint. I'm going to remove some wallpaper. And I have to get some switchplates on the lower walls before my niece Anna comes over tomorrow for my birthday party. (Does my birthday ever end? It's sort of a season, rather than just a day). James is making fajitas. More fajitas, please!!

And thank you for the haircut recommendations. I'll try the Linden Hills place first, and then Aveda if I decide I have a half-day to spare and $11. I've only had my hair cut once in 13 months, and it was a great cut. Unfortunately, that stylist is no longer working from 46th & 13th.


// posted by Jenell Williams Paris @ 8:51 AM 5 comments

5 Comments:

  • Hi. My name is Dave. You lectured when I took CWC a few years back, I think. I now work in ITS at Bethel. I've been enjoying your blog for a month or so.

    I've been keeping a blog since the fall of 2000 or so over at schdav.org.

    I think I found your blog from a link on Keven Hendricks' blog.

    And I cut my hair once a year whether it needs it or not. Come the first 90F+ day of the year it gets buzzed.

    Back to lurking...

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:07 AM  

  • Hi Jenell- could you do a PSA for me please? I'm on the east coast of Florida & am safe, but there are a lot of folks in central & west Florida concerned for their lives & property today. In addition to the hurricane, tornadoes are starting to pop-up. We would appreciate prayer from anybody who reads this-

    By Blogger Ben, at 2:12 PM  

  • Ben, I and others will pray for the people in Florida. I don't know what a PSA is - if you tell me, and I can do it, I will.

    By Blogger Jenell, at 9:38 PM  

  • Oh, maybe I'm getting old- a PSA is a public service announcement. And you did, thank you. It's vey strange here- after a fierce night, most of the state is waking to a beautiful morning. There were a few deaths and lots of damge though. And now the eastern seaboard is in Charley's path-

    By Blogger Ben, at 8:22 AM  

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Thursday, August 12, 2004

If you love it so much, why don't you marry it?

Late last night, I put my hand on my scarlet wall and said, "I love you so much I want to marry you." Only three coats (one of primer), and I think it needs just one more.

I was at a support group the other night, and the facilitator asked, "What is hope to you?" She had been at a meeting earlier in the day where hospital staff were discussing how to assess hopefulness in patients. One person said that, for her, hope means making decisions out of anticipation of good things, not out of fear of bad things. A man said hope means not just protecting yourself against the worst that could happen, but being open to the good things that may happen. I said I feel hopeful when I care about things. I care whether or not my plants live. I care about the color of my walls. I care about my own life. I want to move into the future, and I expect to encounter some good things.

I remember feeling like nothing mattered. Why does it matter whether or not I live? Why does it matter whether or not I shower, or change clothes, or water plants, or anything else? [Keep in mind, however, that my despair never reached such lows that I stopped caring for Opal and Ruby]. Now I do care, and I want to have a wall that looks nice. I want my plants to live. I want to teach well and write well. And I shower and change clothes on a regular basis. Now if I could just get my hair cut...

Here are two questions for you today -
1) For you, waht is hope?
2) Is there any good place I can get my hair cut for $25 or less?

// posted by Jenell Williams Paris @ 10:50 AM 7 comments

7 Comments:

  • Hope, for me, is the willful continuance of my desire and longing, with the refusal to choose numbness and apathy--the waiting for what may lie just ahead while trying to embrace what is already happening all around me. When I was 7 years old, I wrote a poem in which I stated, "I have nothing left to hope for". Strong statement for a young child, and I have spent years trying to understand why it is I have spent so much of my life feeling hopeless. The journey continues...it was good to read your experience with your group discussing "hope". It can be such an intangible concept that is manifested so differently in all of our lives.

    As for the haircut, many might suggest the Aveda Institute, but I would say that even though it is dirt cheap, 2 hours of your time may be more valuable. I always had good luck at Rocco Altobelli when I wanted to spend less $$...I think they have one out near you, and you could call and see which stylists would be in your price range. These days, it is almost a miracle to find anything under $30 unless you go to Great Clips. Follicular robbery, I tell you.

    By Blogger Rachie Rach and the Funky Bunch, at 11:11 AM  

  • Ahize Salon in Linden Hills is good and cheap- about $25 I think.
    colleen s.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 11:44 AM  

  • I have heard good things about the stylist Huile (sp?) at the Ahize salon. She did one of my co-workers hair and she loved it.

    By Blogger Rachie Rach and the Funky Bunch, at 2:09 PM  

  • For the last few years I've been seeing Lori at Plaza Hair Design (Bloomington). When I get a haircut. If you mention me, she's liable to try to get you to haul me in for her...but she also might give you a discount. She charged me $25 last time (um, a year ago. yeah, that long).

    Hope, what is it, hmmm. Expectant waiting is hope for me. Believing that just around the corner is something wonderful and I'd better be awake to see it.

    By Blogger Stacey, at 2:13 AM  

  • I think hope has a lot to with patience--I read that patience is putting hope in something you KNOW will happen--its not a pipe dream. That means you need to be more choosy or specific about what you hope for, but it puts more weight behind it. When I was 5 I hoped to marry Davy Jones, but (I realized later) that there was little patience for that to happen. Patience with hope is not wasted and it is not in vain. It is a long car ride with the top down while you are not really sure where you are going--but you know you will get there sometime.

    By Blogger Solomon's Girl, at 3:31 PM  

  • I was wondering if anyone had been to Ahize for eyebrow threading. I'm thinking about stopping over there today. I've been in NYC for the past four years and am so used to being able to walk down the street and have my choice of threaders.

    By Blogger Jennifer, at 10:26 AM  

  • Ahize Salon is incredible. I go to Tinker - a fabulous colorist and I get many, many compliments everytime!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 5:30 PM  

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Wednesday, August 11, 2004

Thank you, and slang I don't understand

Thank you for the birthday gifts! I especially enjoyed the letter R.

Happy birthday to Jeff today!

I'm painting today, and at the moment am taking a break to let primer dry. I'm at work now finishing my anthropology/faith-integration article. Well, I should put "finish" in quotes, because it's just a draft.

I also learned something today. I had known in my mind that it is difficult to paint a wall red, but now I know it by experience. It looks horrid, and will take coat after coat to improve. That's OK, though, because I like it.

Slang from KP's blog that I don't understand. Hanksta. Pagdaddies. DSR. 2/3 swears. "Front" used as a verb. Can anyone explain (either the slang, or the reason why i don't understand any of it)?


// posted by Jenell Williams Paris @ 12:24 PM 5 comments

5 Comments:

  • Hanksta = Hank = Henry = Matt Henry (I assume)
    DSR = Dave Ryding
    Pagdaddies = Doug Pagitt (daddy o' the Pags)

    Colleen W. did 5 coats to get her wall read. I did 3, but it really needs at least one more. I can't wait to see it when you're all done!

    - Rachel L.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 12:39 PM  

  • it's carla. I am becomming annoyed by this blogger thing that no longer lets me comment unless I too am a blogger.

    Anyway, the paint pros say red takes at least 4 coats and is indeed the hardest color to paint because of its saturation. Our red room has 2 coats and will never get the remaining help it needs so that it can be looked at up close and in good light. Even though it's a pain to keep painting, do it now or you'll always wish you had.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 2:43 PM  

  • read = red
    I can spell. Really.

    -Rachel L.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 3:40 PM  

  • DSR. 2/3 swears. "Front" used as a verb.

    DSR = david stuart ryding, who went to a civil union in CA.

    2/3 swears = 2, maybe 3 cuss words included in my blog.

    i don't really understant FRONT as a verb, either. nor do i understand HTML. I just use it.

    By Blogger kp, at 5:38 PM  

  • hi, this is shelley. i am also annoyed at the non-comment-friendly blogger situation. i just tried to respond to dan s. and his blog doesn't even have have anonymous abilities!! it isn't very community oriented. any suggestions?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:50 PM  

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Tuesday, August 10, 2004

It's my birthday!

Goodness gracious, I've heard bad news in recent days - the death of a Bethel student, the hospitalization of a friend, depression and sadness in another... but good news about Dave Jiang after hard times - he's hoping to be back at church next week. I'll send around an update to our small group. If you're not in small group but want info, e-mail me and I'll pass his message to you.

And, good news that it's my birthday! James gave me a card, and Opal gave me a box full of shit. It's looking like a good day so far. Would you like to give me a present? Let's see, what would fit in a comments box? You could give me a link, or a haiku, or dedicate a letter of the alphabet to me today...

Being 31 didn't really work out so well for me, but maybe being 32 will be super. Being 31 was hard, but it actually was probably the most real year of my life - being most deeply in touch with the reality of the world. Conceiving three lives, losing them all, grieving, loving, delving deep, healing. I hope to be a real and true person in the coming year, but maybe I could just learn and grow from the hard parts of last year, and not experience any new harshness for awhile. (As if God reads these blogs and grants our wishes!).

// posted by Jenell Williams Paris @ 9:19 AM 16 comments

16 Comments:

  • hats of meat

    By Blogger pete, at 9:46 AM  

  • Happy Birthday Janell! I declare every August 10th in the blogosphere Janell Paris Day! Hopefully someone will give me tomorrow for the same reason...Hint Hint. :)

    Thanks again for having us over the other night.

    -Jeff

    By Blogger The Accidental Buddhist, at 10:00 AM  

  • a birthday haiku:

    To my friend Jenell,
    I always knew of your wit!
    Now the others enjoy.

    Happy Birthday! love, Colleen w.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:05 AM  

  • cuddle parties?

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:06 AM  

  • it's carla.

    Happy birthday dear friend. I'm sorry we missed the festivities on Friday night. I would like to dedicate the letter R to you today. May your 32nd year bring: relief from sorrow; reflections on your good, good life; rejoicing in relationships; relaxation and release; romps with your hubby; rebeccia in your garden; recipes you want to share with your friends; an abundance of rhubarb.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:24 AM  

  • Jenell,
    Happy Birthday! I wish I could honor you with more than a blog comment, but regardless of Opal's birthday dump, I hope you feel loved and special today. Your 32 years have held so much...I marvel at your life and your entire personhood! You are a beautiful woman, both inside and out, and I celebrate your life today!
    love,
    Rachel

    By Blogger Rachie Rach and the Funky Bunch, at 11:11 AM  

  • Not sure if I can top the Hats of Meat.....
    I'll give you a link....www.cardcow.com
    A vintage ecard site - Nifty huh!
    H A P P Y B I R T H D A Y to J E N E L L !!

    By Blogger Laura, at 4:08 PM  

  • Happy Birthday!Hope it was a wonderful, Miz J. :)
    -Rachel L.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 6:28 PM  

  • Um- how about a field of purple floweres?- http://qxzlool.blogspot.com/

    By Blogger Ben, at 6:31 PM  

  • Feliz Dia!! If we were together upon hearing the news of your BIRTHDAY, I would give you some lovin', so...turn your cheek in my direction, listen for the smack of my lips, feel the rush of wind as I blow it in your direction, and sense the love that flows from me to you via the internet! As I say to my kids when blowing them kisses over the phone, "Got it?" I hope your day was a good one!
    shelley

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 9:16 PM  

  • ah! the happiest of birthday wishes ever!
    only 32?? you are so wise and accomplished, i pray 32 will be exceedingly lighthearted, playful and free from all the worries of someone so clever.
    blessings to you!

    By Blogger jen lemen, at 12:48 AM  

  • Happy birthday a day late. Hope it was a great day and that year #33 will be a blessed one for you. :)

    By Blogger Mumcat, at 10:51 AM  

  • Happy Birthday! Anj

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 10:19 PM  

  • I'm late to the party, but happy birthday anyhow. Here's a haiku:

    trees drop odd green fruit
    we don't know what to call it
    gabe, don't eat it, please!

    By Blogger Stacey, at 11:29 PM  

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Monday, August 09, 2004

Color is Free

I'm painting part of my house, and it feels so good. Deep-toned colors feel lush and rich, but they only cost the same as light, flimsy colors! Bringing color into my life brings pleasure and beauty, and it's affordable for everyone. I hope you have some good color in your life today.

What was the consensus on The Village? It was discussed on blogs, but I didn't read it because I didn't know what it was. Now I know it was a movie, which I learned on the way to the movie theatre. I loved it. It was very unrealistic, but I appreciated the insight that humans can't escape suffering - it comes to us no matter where we live, and no matter what our efforts to insulate ourselves.

I'm doing too many things at once. I need to figure out what really matters, and focus on that. Maybe painting is that thing.



// posted by Jenell Williams Paris @ 1:57 PM 4 comments

4 Comments:

  • I'm trying to keep some color in my life via my blog. Trying to get something new, or something old & special to me, added every few days.

    By Blogger Ben, at 3:47 PM  

  • I am so glad you are taking up this discussion on your blog. John wanted to have it on mine, and I kind of ignored him. Wandering Fisherman, I send apologies in your direction.

    How apropos to have it on the posting about color. Eric didn't like MUSTARD as the neutral color...I just think mmmmNight (not mmmmBop, mind you) is getting more than a leeetle predictable with the red.

    And ask Carla: I called Adrien Brody as the first to die.

    By Blogger kp, at 5:51 PM  

  • No worries KP.
    I am having trouble remembering a lot of details about the movie. The village really got me thinking a lot about fundamentalism and how it tends to build up walls around beliefs so that they become almost untrumpable.(probably not a word) The little village they lived in was based out of fear the elders put in the hearts of those surrounding them. The leaders of the community had a choice to keep the curtain where it was or pull it, those who saw the movie, know what they chose; but the elders did end up getting exposed. The part where the elders were arguing about if the blind girl could go to the city to save the mans life was really incredible. To see how gut wrenching it was for the elders to loose control when the happenings went beyond their control was such a glimpse of what our world often looks like these days.

    John Bradley

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Saturday, August 07, 2004

I Miss You

It's really hard when you have to go to work. I worked three days (24 hours!!) this week, and didn't have time to blog. I just read around the blog circle to catch up a bit. KP uses hip slang that I don't understand, Jimmy is planning his run for school board, Rachel remembers her time in Italy, Jeff and Stacey started blogging...and much, much more. I added Jeff, Stacey, and Dan to my links - am I missing anyone else. I wonder if there is any other church in the country, literally, who has so so many bloggers.

All I really want to let you know today is that President Bush has been asked to stop blogging.



// posted by Jenell Williams Paris @ 8:42 AM 3 comments

3 Comments:

  • OK-so I did not realize that that was an Onion article until I read the screenshot of his blog.

    Freakin' hilarious!

    By Blogger Danny Stratford!, at 12:40 PM  

  • I miss you! So glad to see you back in the universe of blogging!!
    (What slang do I use that you don't understand???)

    By Blogger kp, at 11:40 AM  

  • I admit I didn't realize it was an Onion article, and I was typing the URL address in my window to access the blog. Am I a dummy or what?

    By Blogger Rachie Rach and the Funky Bunch, at 4:31 PM  

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Monday, August 02, 2004

It's Not Cool to be Anti

OK, OK, so you don't want to be an evangelical anymore. But what are you? It's not enough to just be anti-something or post-something or not-something. You need to be someone, not just not-someone.

In his memoir, Jesus Sound Explosion, Mark Curtis Anderson explores his upbringing as son of the pastor at Central Baptist Church (the church at Snelling and University right behind the cheap-ass furniture barn). He's also a Bethel grad, and he used to work at the Electric Fetus. Now he's not a Christian, and he teaches writing at the U of M (I don't think those two phrases are connected). He writes stories that are painful and funny at the same time about the unusual world of evangelicals - praying, converting, going to church, not dancing, not drinking, not having sex, and not doing drugs. Anderson also loved rock music (he's a drummer at House of Mercy), and tells his life story by tracing his evangelical experiences and his experiences with rock music.

I hoped for an interesting read about how and why a man chose to leave his relationship with God. Instead, it was a story about how a man saw through the bullshit of evangelical religion, and then left the religion altogether. He refuses to write about his experiences of God and his life with and without God, instead writing about the easier subject of organized religion and its flaws. I agreed with nearly all of his critiques of evangelicalism, church, and Bethel. But for me, those flawed venues were important pathways to God, and I make a strong distinction between God himself (not messed up) and organizations that try to represent him (always messed up). I looked at the cover and said to the book, "In decades of church experience, did you ever meet God? What was God like? Or did you find him absent? What was that like?" Being already published, the book gave no answer.

He also rants about Bethel being a parental college with meaningless behavioral regulations and a mainstream student body that is silly and shallow. I recognize the Bethel he describes, but it's just a caricature. Bethel has some really good aspects to it, and a myriad of flaws beyond regulating student behavior. He spent four years there, but his description could have been written after the first week of freshman year. I wanted a real description of a student's personal and faith journey through this institution, not just a caricature that supports his anti-evangelical identity.

And then, on one of the last pages, he says he is a drummer at House of Mercy! AAARRRGH! What kind of radical, ex-Christian rock-and-roller attends a church populated by Bethel students, Bethel profs, and Bethel seminary grads?!?! I'm glad he's part of the church, but he could have said so sooner. I've visited House of Mercy, and it seems like a great place for people who love Jesus, but don't love evangelicalism (one type of organization that tries to help people find Jesus). It's a great church for people who have been hurt by church. It is, however, closely linked to that which it negates.

Anti-evangelicals can't exist without evangelism as a foil for their identities. Being anti- is fine if you're a disaffected post-adolescent - such people need to wrestle against their socialization (parents, church, hometown) in order to define themselves as adults. But even with disaffected college students, I still ask the affirming questions - Who are you? What do you believe?

This book irritated me. And after this review, I bet none of you will read it and talk about it with me! Kevin (a former student of mine) liked it - you could see his kinder comments.

Is anyone still reading? If so, I have two questions:
1. I'm not saying I did this, but if I had gone to Laura and Dustin's wedding without a gift, but now I have a gift, how should I deliver it? Do they live on Pillsbury or Chowen? If Laura's reading this...can I drop it by on your back step early this afternoon?

2. Does anyone want an older couch that's in good shape? It's sort of white/green/pink in a textured pattern - people make suitcases and carry-ons with this fabric, but I can't remember what it's called.





// posted by Jenell Williams Paris @ 9:06 AM 12 comments

12 Comments:

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