Sunday, October 31, 2004
I was feeling good on Friday at noon because it was unusually warm for October, and because I was about to have a chicken sandwich lunch for only $5. I was on my way to meet Katie Hutton for lunch at Sgt. Preston’s, a bar-restaurant at Seven Corners on the University of Minnesota’s West Bank. West of Seven Corners is the U of M Law Library, and west of the library is the Mississippi River. I parked by the river so I could walk up a hill into the city, anticipating the typical pulse-speeding I still feel when I walk past the library. The U of M law library was the favorite research spot for Minnesota high school debaters of my era. We’d read the same journals, find each others’ dog-ears and post-its, and stalk potential dates through the stacks. Needless to say, high school debaters dating each other is just as dorky as you’d imagine it might be.
Seeing that I had an extra twenty minutes, I walked down a paved path to the river, eyeing a bench on which I could sit and meditate. I walked slowly, and thought about the spray painted stencil I passed on the path. The stencil was of a man crawling on the ground with a globe on his back – the weight of the world. “SLEEP” was written across Europe and Asia. Was the man advised to sleep, and is he Everyman, or are Europeans and Asians sleeping in a metaphorical sense?
I also had been at the doctor’s office that morning, and overheard a nurse talking to a doctor about a procedure related to my case in the hallway. The doctor said, “Well, if she hadn’t lost those triplets, we’d do it this way. But because she lost them, we’ll do it this other way.” I didn’t lose those triplets! I birthed them and held them, and now their cremains are nicely arranged on my dresser. My babies may be dead, but they are not lost. And I’m not the one who didn’t lose them. I felt blamed, and blame felt heavy, like the weight of the world on the back of a crawling man.
High school debate, stencils, sleep, doctor’s appointment -- this sort of mind-racing is why I meditate. I laid my umbrella across the fold in the bench so it would block my butt from absorbing left-over rain water. I closed my eyes and breathed. Breathing in calm. Breathing out fear. In, calm. Out, fear. Breathe. Breathe.
When I opened my eyes, I saw seventeen moving mountains right before my eyes. A safety rail directly in my line of vision obscured a very long low-lying barge. I can’t estimate length, but I’d guess it might have been fifty feet long, or maybe a thousand. A small boat pushed the barge up the river at a very slow speed. Giant mounds of sand had been dumped on the barge, and each made a mountain.
Perhaps this was a message about faith moving mountains. When Jesus’ disciples were unable to cast out a demon, he said it was because their faith was too small. He said, “For truly I tell you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there,' and it will move; and nothing will be impossible for you.” (Matthew 17:19-20 or just 20?).
Now, I’m not one of those Christians who senses God’s prompting to change a light bulb, or thanks the Holy Spirit for granting me a good parking spot. I won’t make very much of my experience at the river. But I do know this. I sat down and shut my eyes, breathed, and calmed myself. When I opened my eyes, I saw seventeen moving mountains.
I know I have faith. I may not have great faith in some people’s eyes because I swear sometimes (but like most swearing evangelicals, I do it self-consciously), I’d drink beer if my employer would let me, and my church attendance, though superior to many, is less than perfect. When it comes to faith, however, I’m more Lutheran than American legalist. In his Preface to Romans, Martin Luther wrote, “Faith is a living, unshakeable confidence in God's grace; it is so certain, that someone would die a thousand times for it. This kind of trust in and knowledge of God's grace makes a person joyful, confident, and happy with regard to God and all creatures.” He also wrote that people confuse faith with limited measures of morality. Moral behavior and other “works” have their place, but the real heart of it all is faith.
I know God saved me from despair and from my own worst impulses, and I know He loves me. I’m faithful because I know, unshakably, that God and I are together in this life. Maybe faith helped me see mountains moving. Maybe someday I will have more faith, and I will be the one doing the moving.
Thursday, October 28, 2004
This is Opal (and this is also my first photo posted to a blog).
6 Comments:
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She's pretty!
DanaBy
, at 1:17 AM
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Excellent! Way to join to the cat-blogging revolution, Jenell!
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Opal, I love you so much. It's hard to look at your picture while I'm here at work. I'm going to leave early to go home and pet you.
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Cats are such comfort creatures. No home should be without one. :-)
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What a beautiful darling!
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Beautiful!!! Such a wonderful sweetheart, Opal.
:o)By
troyus_maximus, at 9:36 PM
Does anyone want to come with me - let me know if you do. I'm going to a lecture tonight at Bethel. Its' on "Searching for Human Uniqueness: Intersections between Paleoanthropology and Theology" It's by J. Wentzel van Huyssteen. Dan's a new guy at church - he's going to go, too. I just want to relax and hear someone smart talk at me. It's at 7:30.
I'm planning for a visit from James' sister Jessica, her husband Marc, and their daughter Celia. Marc's going to do some last-minute campaigning for Kerry. They're from Juneau, AK. We'll spend the weekend together, probably making me miss KP's birthday party.
Tell me what you're doing this weekend!
7 Comments:
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Hopefully, gonna' finish repainting the living room. Bought all new trim for the interior doors, stained and sealed it- with a little luck and good weather we'll get the rest of the doors and woodwork stripped and repainted. And maybe the new blinds will show up as well...
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Friday: take my daughters to dinner. Saturday: vacuum. Must work on my den/office. I will throw away some papers, but I won't pretend it will be anything more than chaos partially rearranged when I get done. The reward will be to be able to sit down and mend my beautiful tone-on-tone tiny leaf print dusty rose Kimono I bought at a vintage/used clothing store for $12 (because it needs mending- just a simple hand sewing fix). Listen to a Dallas Willard conference on CD. Do a little crochet while I watch home improvement shows and Book TV. Church and big city newspapers on Sunday.
Dana AmesBy
, at 5:57 PM
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Hey Jenell,
I get to come home for the weekend and than my dad and I are headed up to our cabin to do some work.(first time for me seeing the cabin)should be a good time
see you at church on sunday
john bradleyBy
, at 8:02 PM
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Tonight I am going to see an encore presentation of Metamorphosis - a commissioned piece by the Minnesota Gay Mens Chorus and the James Sewell Ballet. My friend is in the chorus and after the performance we will join the cast party at Solera! I am SO excited!
Colleen w.By
, at 8:08 PM
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I love the kitty. Am going to my in laws this weekend. Mother in law recently had open heart surgery. Father in law is pretty sick. He is 88. WW2 veteran. I also thought I would buy one of the new Jerry Falwell bobblehead dolls.
By
Dan Phillips, at 10:53 PM
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Saturday: 19 miles in the morning up and around Mt. Wilson.
Saturday afternoon: my first colon cleanse. No, I don't think I'll be blogging about it.
Saturday night: bowels permitting, out to dinner.
Sunday morning: an extra hour of sleep, a bike ride, church and fun with the confirmation class.
Lots of cuddling a pound and a half of chinchilla! And I am so happy to finally see Opal! -
I will be spending as much time as possible with my son, Eliot Coltrane Sherry, who was born 6 weeks early 2 weeks ago in an emergency C section (due to my wife's toxemia). He's in the hospital for possibly the next week, but hopefully not quite so long as that.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
John Bradley linked to Jason Clark, who lists several articles about Emergent, two from Brian McLaren and one from Andy Crouch. (Who says I'm not a good writer - I just squeezed four white men into one sentence!) I enjoyed the articles, and reflected on what Emergent means to me.
First off, I'm not really part of Emergent. I've not been to a conference, I've not blogged criticisms about conferences I haven't been to, and I didn't finish A New Kind of Christian. I don't have a tatoo, and both me and my husband has uncool hair. The veneer of emergent, and even the veneer of my church - lots o' hip style - is not my style. But I've appreciated so much about this kind of Christianity over the three years I've been a part of it. And I heard that Kathleen Norris was at a conference, so that makes me feel attached. And I go to an emergent church, and I read one theology book ("Beyond Foundationalism") about postmodern evangelical theology or postmodern postevangelical posttheology, or whatever it's called.
Brian McLaren discussed numerous aspects of emergent with a great deal of self-awareness and self-criticism, so that diffused my One (enneagram) need to critique and reform. I am not much of a joiner or a movement hag, and my inclination is to critique before complimenting in order show that I'm not a blind sycophant. But look at all the compliments I received yesterday about my blog colors (thank you!!) - I'll return the spirit of complimenting by writing a few good things about emergent Christianity.
My favorite parts of this new form of Christianity are that we say anything and ask everything.
Say Anything
A few things I've heard from church people: I'm an alcoholic. I struggle with mental illness. I'm depressed. I come to church without my husband. I'm depressed. I'm on psych-regulating medications. I'm depressed. I don't know who I am. My children are driving me crazy and I wish I could get away from them. I didn't mean to get pregnant. I'm depressed. I don't have any money. S*&#. F*&#). D*&(#. H(*#@ (said in the context of talking about all the other listed things).
For me, this ethos of 'say anything' has resulted in authentic friendships in which I know and I am known. I don't run into the taboos and boundaries of many churches, and I don't experience pressure to pretend my life is other than what it is, both the good parts and the bad parts.
Ask Everything:
A few other things I've heard: I don't like this part of the Bible. What if other religions are true? What does biblical behavioral morality really mean for us? I don't believe that. I question that. I wonder about this. I don't agree with what Doug said. I don't agree with what you just said. Why do we do it that way? Could we try this instead?
For me, the 'ask everything' climate is intellectually stimulating. I've never been my whole self at a church, because being intellectual at church is sort of like farting loudly during prayer. It draws attention to yourself and it just doesn't fit in. I enjoy thinking about possibilities, both orthodox and unorthodox, and seeing what other people think. I enjoy the complexities of postmodern theology because it's new and has lots of unraveled edges. Asking anything at church reduces my fear of God. We can be in God's presence and say anything, and ask anything, and He is with us while we try to sort things out. It's as if God is just among us in our daily lives, and we don't have to dress up and play roles in a church building to try to get His attention.
I won't critique, but I can't resist a few caveats. I'm sure that these good things could be said of many conventional churches. When we came to MN, I wanted friendship and authenticity, and to pursue Jesus with a group of similarly committed people. If I had connected with that at a conventional church, I'd be there - I didn't go out in search of an emergent church. The second caveat is that both of my favorite things have drawbacks, especially when they are taken to extremes. Such is the nature of favorite things.
2 Comments:
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I like your hair. You should be more kind towards it. I like your new blog colors too. You might be the only person I know right now who could get away with using the words "farting during prayer." This is the Jenell we've all come to know and love.
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I am impressed, four white dudes in one sentence. :) I too wasn't consciously looking for a church that "asked the questions", but I found a tradition that defines itself by asking questions. I feel so blessed to be in an environment where we live into the mystery each day. I love the concept of authenticity and long for it in the church. The closest I've encountered authenticity is in the alanon meetings I attend. Great post!
Peace,
Rick
Sunday, October 24, 2004
I am a very bad writer. I wrote for awhile yesterday and every single sentence was awful. The words that made up the sentences were inferior words, and I spelled some of them incorrectly. Then, as now, Opal sits 12 inches from me staring at me like a freak. I'm a bad writer who is co-dependent with her cat who has a bad personality.
This is what's wrong with my writing:
I am unsure who I'm writing to.
Despite having written about 50 pages, I'm not entirely clear about the subject of the writing.
I use evangelical vocabulary like "God's people" and "in my heart"
I am hopelessly self-centered, evidenced that I write about myself, I think about what I've written about myself, and then I blog to share with others the thoughts I have about what I've written about myself.
I imitate Anne Lamott and Kathleen Norris and don't have a writer's voice of my own. I'm a poser.
My ass is too fat. (See, that's something Anne Lamott would say - not really something I would say).
My office smells like cat piss. Pica, the neighbor cat came over for a visit, and Opal got so upset she peed on her litter box runner.
My other point of despair is that NO ONE HAS COMMENTED ON THE BEAUTY OF MY NEW BLOG DESIGN! I like it because it doesn't have boxes anymore. I like the simplicity and openness of a single page, and I like the new colors. I think they even might be my colors of preference - not Anne Lamott's colors, not Kathleen Norris' colors, not James Frey's colors, and not Todd Friel's colors. That's a small start toward becoming myself, but a start nonetheless.
I'm really not fishing for compliments about my writing, but I am fishing for compliments about the new blog colors. If I've learned anything from being married to James, it's that if I want a compliment, I should ask for one directly. This truth has been useful in other contexts, as well - feel free to borrow it.
18 Comments:
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Hi Jenell! I like your new colors! I'm glad you mentioned them so that I'd know to come see!
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I just ran into Anne Lamott the other day at the drug store. I used to attend church with her. She is great!
You blog is wonderful. Keep it coming from your heart... that is where it is real.
Peace,
Rick -
Umm, I had noticed the new colors but didn't say anything 'cause I wasn't sure when they changed and didn't want to highlight the fact that I hadn't noticed them if they had changed some time ago.
And I think your voice is unique and distinct. -
Hmmm. Well, I definitely understand the challenges of trying to write something that makes sense. So I thought I'd pass along a quote that sort of helps. Sometimes. And not as a kick in the pants, but as a sympathy quote:
"Don't get it right; get it written." --James Thurber
Maybe, just for today, having written something will be enough?By
Joie De Vivre, at 11:12 AM
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You're only the best damn writer in the blogoverse, Jenell. And I dig the new design.
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Your ass is not fat. It is cute & perky.
I like the colors. They remind me of your house. (Well, except for the bright pink & the lack of red. But the peach, green, & periwinkle are quite familiar.) It's purty. :)
-Rachel L.By
, at 1:52 PM
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Hmmm. I think I disagree with the claim that you are a very bad writer! I have been reading your blog for a few weeks (and I've read back a few months) and I very much enjoy your intelligence, creativity, humility and humor which surely comes through your writing. It's really wunderbar, thoughtful and appealing.
Humorously, even your lamenting over your writing demonstrates your quality! What can you do? You cannot excape your writing fate. Luke, I am your father, etc.
Also, you challenge my notions of Evangelical broadly and Bethel specifically (I am a--not so terribly proud--product of both worlds).
TroyBy
troyus_maximus, at 3:40 PM
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What?? You couldn't heat me last week when I opened your blog and saw the new changes and went "oooooh!"?? Hm. Sorry. Next time, I'll be louder.
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I'm with Rachel, bloggy looks like your entryway -lovely!
colleen w.By
, at 6:23 PM
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Jenell - Yes, this writing business is stupid. Some days the words STICK ! Other days they don't. But seriously, in answer to a question of who you are writing to. You are writing to me and foryourself and for strangers dumped into cyberspace. Wow, how is that for an
audience?
Like I read your blog and strange people show up, like
Rick talking about patience. Where else can I find something like that?
And I admit, you are innovative. When you came back from your last blogging vacation you
interviewed yourself, so what did I do? I interviewed myself related to my
daughter's wedding (I copied that from you-FORGIVE ME !)
Another reason I like your writing is that you have a link to my site. Now, that sounds stupid, but not many other people have done that. Only
Christy
Nile
Jonathan
Chris
and yourself that I know of. I really appreciate that more than you will ever know!
Isn't it interesting how Anne Lamont and Kathleen Norris always show up in these scenes. Several months ago an editor wrote me from........
READ MOREBy
Dan Phillips, at 6:47 PM
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Jenell, the only thing I have to say is that your blog layout and colors are amazing.
By
Reid Bradley, at 11:25 AM
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i ditto hugo.
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Hello fellow fisherman,
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Did you also know that over 75% of the nations fishermen do not fish during "prime time"; fish feeding hours?
Those precious few moments before twilight can be absolutely magical. Even up until 11pm at night, the largest predators of any species feed ravenously.
Don't believe me? Check out Daniel Eggertsen's story, and a picture of a couple of his catches here : "Evening Secrets plus more"
I want you to do me a favor and try it out so I can see what you think of it, and if it works for you as well as it did for me.
You will be one of the first to try it out.
Gone Fishin',
NeilBy
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Thursday, October 21, 2004
I finished A Million Little Pieces yesterday. I had to skip working out, work only 4 hours, and eat dinner in 5 minutes to do it, but I did it. Amazing book. At book's end, however, I think we aren't all addicts. That seems patronizing, like saying we all have AIDS or cancer. Those are specific words for specific diseases that shouldn't be overgeneralized. We all can learn, however, from the dynamics of various diseases.
I had hoped to learn about AA as an analogy for church, and the Twelve Steps as an analogy for spiritual process. What if we met together every day and admitted our sorrows to each other, and recommitted to trusting God (or having faith, or being loving, or holding out hope...whatever it is we each are working on) for just one day? Let's try for just one day, and then we'll see each other tomorrow. In my hard times, church is less useful when I only see people once a week - I'm living day by day, and church sometimes seems to happen week by week. The obvious answer, which works, is to experience church more often by engaging in those relationships. It's not quite as direct and blunt as an AA meeting, however, and I like the rigid structure of AA.
James Frey, however, despised AA and refused to work the Twelve Steps (he picked and chose the ones he wanted to do). He thought AA was about whining and dependency, and that it was stupid to turn over your will to a Higher Power that probably doesn't exist. He found his own way, which was basically inidividualistic self-reliance. He just willed himself to stop using. (He also used friends, some counseling, some confession, etc., but mostly it was will power). And he's been sober for 12 or 13 years with no relapse. The church analogy might be, then, that we all need to buck up and deal with our own lives, and stop meeting together to whine about our problems. Oh well, I'm glad it worked for him - it is truly a tremendous story.
The book reminded me of something I believe about being human, that we are referential and relational creatures. We don't entirely make our own identities, or make our own way in the world. Addiction is, in part, a wrong relationship between a person and a substance. Frey says AA is a transference of addiction from substance to God. I don't know about that, because I believe we are created to be dependent on God, and to need need need God everyday. We never become complete in ourselves - instead we find good relationships with God, people, and material things that allow us to thrive on the earth.
May pleasant relationships with food, things, God, and friends be yours today. If anyone wants to comment, maybe they could consider Anonymous' post from yesterday. If Frey's story offers a lesson, it might be that breaking addiction and understanding the stuff behind it is the hardest work of your life, but both are important, and both are possible.
8 Comments:
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The 12 Steps *are* a spiritual process. If you look at them, they begin by having us state that we aren't in control of our lives, our addictions are. Whether it's booze, food, drugs, sex, bad relationships, or any of a thousand things, they all control us to some extent and make our lives unmanageable. Isn't that like an admission of sin (although sin and addiction can and are two different things in many respects)? From there one takes each step in order, learning to trust someone or something greater than ourselves because depending solely on ourselves got us in this picklement in the first place. Up through surrender, admission, amends, and then service to others, it is a recipe for a developing spiritual life that anyone, addict or not, can follow successfullly.
An AA group (or an 12-step group) is like a church in that it is based on community and common goals. Like the church, 12-step members are encouraged to rely on one another for help and support while developing a relationship with a Higher Power. It's about caring for those still suffering -- just as the church should be teaching us and encouraging us to reach out to those still suffering from things like poverty and injustice.
12-step groups grew out of the Oxford movement, so there is a hefty dose of spirituality that is an integral part of the program. The combination of communal and personal goals and activities are, like the church, what keep people coming back. In both, we are "works in process" -- unfinished, continually striving, and continually growing.
Sorry for the long-windedness. -
Jenell,
This is really random, but just wondering how that article went that you wrote earlier this summer. I wish that i wouldnt have missed out on that discussion at your house. Can you send me the article if it is out yet?
john bradley
Slickcity2@aol.comBy
, at 8:28 PM
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Great book. I am only on page 50-something! Thanks for your post. Sounds like Frey found his Higher Power.
I am addicted to God. I am. I cannot live without God and I don't want to try.
Honestly, I am not sure which I like best, meetings or attending church. I guess I like to worship God in my church, but I like the community of the groups.
I really enjoyed your post and thought you wrote with such grace and beauty.
Many blessings,
Rick -
This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
By
Roberto Iza Valdes, at 1:13 AM
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I was just browsing various blogs as I was doing a search on the word poster, and I just wanted to say that I really like what you've done with your blog, even though it wasn't particularly related to what I searched for. I appreciate your postings, and your blog is a good example of how a blog should be done. I've only just recently started a Posters website - feel free to visit it when you get a chance if you wish. Much success, antonio.
By
Antonio Hicks, at 1:29 PM
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This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
By
Roberto Iza Valdes, at 12:16 AM
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This post has been removed by a blog administrator.
By
Juno-Regina, at 3:55 PM
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Some of our comments above may include links that are no longer valid or that do not have a nofollow value. They might very well lead you today to a third party. Therefore,
I ask you, if you would be so kind, to please delete or disregard those
comments.
Many thanks and best wishes,
Iza, Roberto Iza
Muy Señores Míos:
Algunos de nuestros comentarios incluyen vínculos rotos que bien pudieran llevar hoy a una tercera persona. Por tanto, le rogamos, por favor, que los deseche o desestime.
Gracias y recuerdos
Iza, Roberto IzaBy
Iza Firewall, at 2:43 PM
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
Question 1. If you live in Minnesota, do you have your heat on this morning? I feel guilty for turning the heat on when I'm the only one home, so I turned it down to 66. I can't type or function when my hands are so cold, so I justified turning it on, but have felt guilty ever since.
Question 2. If you live in a warm state, do you ever make pot roasts? I made a roast in the slow cooker yesterday, and it was meaty and heavy and I loved it. I used black beans, corn, and salsa (with a little tapioca for thickening) as a sauce, and strained it with my fat separator. I love heavy winter food.
Are we all addicts?
I'm reading James Frey's A Million Little Pieces. I started it while proctoring an exam yesterday, and was so entranced I was startled when a student approached me with her completed exam. I read it until my eyes were dry and sore last night. James became an addict at age 10, and at age 23 fell down a fire escape face first and destroyed his face. His friends sent him home to his parents, and his parents sent him to Hazelden (world-renowned drug treatment place in Minnesota). He's a disaster of a person, realizes it, and is beginning to decide that maybe he can change and survive.
I've resonated strongly with addiction and recovery stories in the last year, and even read the Twelve Steps, thinking about working them (I decided not to). I don't resonate with the whole recovery process, but I know the experience of being out of control and not having turned over my will to a Higher Power. I resonate with the idea of not drinking for one day (ha - I've had a drink on about 20 days of my life, scattered across a number of years when I wasn't working at a teetotalling institution, involving 1/4 glass of wine per time!). Apparently alcoholics don't commit to life-long sobriety, just sobriety one day at a time. And they have lots of simple slogans like "one day at a time", "easy does it", and the like.
I am still flirting with surrender. Sometimes I experience Moments of Clarity in which I surrender my will and control to God, and I experience utter peace and rest. I know it's all going to be OK, and I know I don't have to struggle and strive. I just exist in the moment, without judgment, without reference to the past or to the future. In those moments, I am doing what I was created to do -- to live in the moment as a beloved creature of this earth.
I take back that surrender regularly, and live with some degree of turmoil. I am sad about the past, fearful of the future, and unsettled in the present. My eyes don't entirely focus on the road, the paper, the student, or whatever I'm doing in the present, because I'm looking ahead to what's next, trying to plan for it before it arrives.
The truth is that it's OK to be thirty two years old, with three dead babies and no living babies in sight, and no specific plan as to where the future babies might come from. It's OK to have forever lost my pre-pregnancy body, and to befriend the body I have. It's OK to wait. It's OK to eat heavy food and turn the heat on if it makes me feel good. It's OK to feel good.
James Frey, on page 174, has been arguing with Leonard, an addict who is farther along in the program. Leonard wants to 'adopt' James and help him through the program and through life, but James is still considering leaving the program to kill himself. James is especially adamant about the 12-step program being stupid, and if he is to get better, he plans to develop his own way. Leonard says, "It has been incredibly hard being here and doing this, much harder than I imagined it would be. When I got here I was a fucking wreck. Not a wreck like you were, but bad enough. Every second that passed was a miserable Hell. Now it's getting easier, but it's still fucking awful, and there are still a lot more bad times than good times and a lot more bad feelings than good feelings. I don't know what I think about Higher Powers and Twelve Steps and all the rest of what they talk about in here, but I do know that when things are tough, and when I don't think I can last another minute, if I just hold on, hold on, tight and with everything I got, the shit gets better."
Grief is my place, and it's been incredibly hard being here and doing this, much harder than I imagined it would be. When I got here I was a fucking wreck. But it does get easier, and sometime I have good days. On bad days and during bad hours, if I hold on tight, I always make it through. There are no bad weeks or bad months, because I live only one day at a time. One day at a time. Easy does it. I can make it.
8 Comments:
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I wonder what it is I'm to let go of each day. Is it the addiction itself and the stupid things it makes me do and think and feel, or is it the crap behind the addiction, which to be honest I have no idea how to let go of?
By
, at 12:33 PM
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I live in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and I had the heat on this morning (and yesterday morning when you blogged); I try to keep it above 65.
But I would trade heat for sunshine! The last days is making me DEPRESSED and grumpy.
TroyBy
troyus_maximus, at 10:48 PM
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I must be channeling a premillennialist!
That should have read "These last few days are making me DEPRESSED and grumpy."
Well, except that doesn't really work, and so let it read: "These last few days have been making me feel DEPRESSED and grumpy."By
troyus_maximus, at 11:14 PM
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I've had the heat on for a few weeks. Life is too short to be unnecessarily cold.
-Rachel L.By
, at 4:02 PM
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We've been running the heat between 65-70 for a few weeks.
Amen to making it. One day at a time seems to be the best way to do it. -
http://curecoldsores.mega-products.com/cold_sore_pic.html
I have a Cold Sore site/blog. It pretty much covers Cold Sore related stuff.
Come and check it out if you get time :-) -
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Tuesday, October 19, 2004
First off, James has a new job. It's in Buffalo (MN, not NY). I felt so bad for his long commute that I made his lunch last night when he asked me to. Am I a good wife, or what? That's probably the third or fourth lunch I've made him in the last six years.
Second, it was my 10-year college reunion last weekend. I could have attended, seeing as I work at the college and live 5 minutes away, but I didn't. I'm not comfortable seeing relative strangers and talking about my life- I'd just sweat and cry and leave early. Yesterday I received the 'memory book', about 100 pages of people writing about their lives on a form that asks for name/address/are you married/do you have kids/where do you work/what do you remember from college. It was so frustrating that I ranted to my night class (freshmen) about it.
There is a powerful cultural norm at Bethel that is unspoken by professors or administrators, yet it is carried on year by year by the student culture and the broader evangelical culture. The ideal life path, judging by these entries, is to graduate from college, marry a person of the same race before you are 24, man works in ministry or a corporation, woman works in nursing, education or music ministry, have kids before age 27, woman works part-time or stay-at-home, be church members, live in Minnesota or Colorado, and have the woman fill out forms that need to be mailed in. Women seem to feel ambivalent about the stay-at-home part, though. One wrote "I'm a teacher, but I'm on a five year 'leave of absence' while my kids are young." Another wrote "Job: Mommy", Workplace: "The Harris Household."
Notably, only 100 out of about 500 class members sent the form in. Only three single women contributed, and one wrote a long message about how she has become Gods' bride, so really, she is sort of married. One single man wrote in. A few divorced people wrote in, but obscured that fact on their form (I knew it from other lines of gossip). I received the form in June or July, and wrote on it, "My Bethel education and my Christian faith have not made my life work out great. My three babies died this year, and my life is really hard right now. I hope God is present with you, too, in your struggles." It comes across like I'm angry or crazy or both.
Two other people have dead offspring. One woman was eating in a restaurant with her family (husband and three kids, I think). A man drove through the restaurant window and killed her daughter, critically wounded her husband and other kids, and harmed her as well. The other dead baby belongs to a guy I saw at Lake Beauty Bible Camp two years ago. He was playing dorky M.C. for group games, and I falsely assessed him as a dorky Christian M.C. His baby had died just months before that retreat - maybe he was angry and crazy, too, and shouldn't be held responsible for acting like a dork for awhile. If he's still a dork now, however, several years later, then he's on his own and I withdraw my admission of prejudice.
This is what I said to my class last night. "Class, this is my memory book from 1994. The only people I remember from college are my friends, men I dated, and men I hoped to date. I don't remember any of these other people in the slightest. What that means for you is that you need to get a good education while you're here and be assertive about asking questions and learning in class. Don't be pressured into stupidity by your classmates, and don't care what anyone thinks of you. Just live your life and do what you want to do, keeping in mind that all these people who seem so important to you right now won't be in a few years."
I also said that they should feel free to live however they want, even if they don't end up with a minister-pianist power-marriage for Jesus, or with three kids named Dacotah, Madison, and Cody. There's not much point in even saying that, tho, because my voice is just a cry in the wilderness compared to the pressure toward getting married and having three conventionally-named children. There's such pressure for women to be passive and silent in class, and apparently there's pressure for men to sit in the back row, wear baseball caps, and tell jokes to each other. It's wrong to pay $25,000 a year to experience anti-educational peer pressure. It's wrong to pay a Christian college $100,000 just to reinforce Christian cultural norms that you could have learned for free at church. Demand more!
The cage isn't real, and as we become ourselves, we're sometimes surprised to find that the freedom was there all along.
The Churches disdain to conceal their views and aims. They openly declare that their ends can be attained only by refusing to think and following along like a lemming. Let the churches tremble at a student revolution. The students have nothing to lose but their chains. They have a world to win. Students of all Christian colleges, unite!
9 Comments:
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I wish I had had a professor at Bethel tell me this, Jenell. I suppose if I had ever emerged from the dungeon of the biology labs I may have. As one who is still relatively fresh out of college, I can vividly remember being on the outside of the anti-education, get-married-before-you-get-old-and-ugly camp. The only way I survived that last year of being "one of those girls who never dates" was being a part of Solomon's Porch. Earlier in my college career there were literally weeks when I wouldn't even leave campus. That is a great breeding ground for conformity and backward thinking. I appreciate your efforts to force students into thinking about the colder, harsher, but more fulfilling life outside of their Christian college experience.
Laura BBy
, at 10:36 AM
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Magnificent, moving post. I'm blogging about it pronto.
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It is my 5 year mark of graduating from college, and a bunch of girls from my class are getting together for Homecoming next weekend.
It is my ten year mark of graduating from HS, and I have my reunion dates in my calendar. But...
Of all the people I don't remember - don't "care" about - I still am worried what they will think of me. Sigh. Guaranteed, I will be comparing myself, too. Bravo on your post and telling your students. To me, it wasn't a telling as much as a REMINDER. -
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Thursday, October 14, 2004
I only looked for "Marcus Andrusko full frontal nudity" because John Bradly did (see comments section from the other day." I don't google terms regarding my fellow church members' sexuality, but I may try "Doug Pagitt ADD", "Colleen Welch dog love", or "Kathryn Prill super short orange skirt."
I'm really tired and working too hard. Just busy on too many fronts - next week may be more quiet.
College Students Say the Darndest Things
A woman: "He was like, 'It's an inference,' and I was like,'You can't infer ANYTHING because you suck!"
A man: "I hate reading."
3 Comments:
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Gentle readers,
consider this a public service announcement. I have googled my own name now and again and recently have discovered a porn star that shares my name. If you do Google "Colleen Welch dog love" please, do not click on the link it will most likely provede. It's bad enough with just my name but adding DOG LOVE??? Oh lord, help us.
ColleenBy
, at 10:06 AM
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This is KP, she of the skirt.
I am now wondering if it should be retired from my "apparel acceptable to wear to church" section of the closet.
Thoughts?By
, at 1:19 PM
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My suggestions: Colleen should not change her name, nor should she give up Ray, and nor should she join forces with the other Colleen Welch, KP should wear whatever she wants to church, Doug should not necessarily seek ADD treatment, and Marcus should reconsider his ideas about the posting of intimate self-portraits on-line.
Wednesday, October 13, 2004
In an odd coincidence, Rachel Lam and I are both reading about syphilis. I'm reading The Wages of Sin, a history book about social understandings of the morality of sexually-related diseases. Syphilis, in the 16th century, was called "the just reward of unbridled lust." Afflicted people were covered with acorn-sized boils that gave off dark green stinky pus. These pustules developed into ulcers that dissolved skin and organs, even bone, lips, noses, and eyes. People suffered terrible pain, couldn't sleep, and many died. Apparently as it eats away the brain, it can produce incredible creativity, which is what Rachel's reading about. A medieval doctor said that people were more horrified by the sight of their own bodies than they were by their symptoms.
Treatments for syphilis included burning the boils and breathing mercurized hot air for days on end. Treatments frequently led to death, too.
It seems that syphilis was likely a New World bacteria that came back to Europe with Christopher Columbus' crew. I believe people still get it now, but it's treatable with penicillin. Syphilis, like AIDS, was often viewed as peoples' just reward and divine punishment. Sometimes doctors treated deserving patients like married women and children, but not prostitutes or men.
The point of the book is mostly about AIDS, using historical examples of morality attached to etiology of disease in strange ways - and then morality changed as medical understandings changed. The plague, for example, was "a broom in the hands of the Almighty", and then later it was considered a bacteria (virus?) spread by rats.
The District of Columbia requires marriage license applicants to be tested for syphilis - not HIV, gonhorrea, or HPV - just syphilis. James and I passed with flying colors, and were happily married.
Crack and Nudity
If you want to smoke crack, you'd have to procure some, and I can't help you there. It seems to me that you light it, and then filter the smoke through a screen, and then inhale it. This is usually done with something like a copper scouring pad (copper filter) crammed into a glass pipe. Interestingly, if you search for drug-related terms, the federal government's websites against drugs (DEA?) come up first.
I googled "Marcus Andrusko full frontal nudity" and found no hits. Drat!
9 Comments:
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The things I learn here... (I mean, I already knew about the crack, but the syphilis...)
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you know, you can also make a crack pipe with a soda (oh, that's "pop" for you midwesterners) can. a student in my wife's speech class did this for a demonstration speech.
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Interesting google search Jenell. That made me laugh. Thanks for the crack smoking tip, but I must say, you're in danger of leading a bored man to stumble and fall.
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And to think I had never heard of "Marcus Andrusko" before.
By
Dan Phillips, at 10:50 PM
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You're chock full of interesting information, Jenell. Who's Marcus Andrusko and why did you want to see him naked?
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Hey, I was searching blogs, and came onto yours, and I like it. I kinda landed here on accident while searching for something esle, but nice blog.. I got you bookmarked.
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, at 1:20 PM
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get rid of boil, at 4:40 PM
Monday, October 11, 2004
ball point pens and crack pipe
cat excessive licking
coffee crisps
deep limbic system hyperactivity
elvis he touched me
free mulch in Mounds View
how to smoke crack cocaine
how can i help prevent genocide
i wont live in a world with out love (I think this one was James’)
jazz dance ministry of racial reconciliation
noah emily rachel twins death video
oral roberts gall bladder
postmodern church in harrisburg, pa
recipe for vegetable lasagne
song lyrics sky rocket in flight afternoon delight (this one is James’, too)
star jones is pregnant
text of the book of james
types of crack pipes
website with photos of fat cats
What have you been searching for?
14 Comments:
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cupcake recipes
remedies for childhood diarrhea
famous explorers -
Saks 5th Avenue
.wks file conversion
Minneapolis, MN population growth
quantum communication
avatar
virtual church avatar
voice over jobs
flesh-kinkaid reading level
proximity in communication
globalization
blogs as communication
mla style
(I don't remember what I have googled on my home computer) -
QCA
ASP boston scientific stent
orpheum theater minneapolis
chicago marathon
national statistics depression
poynter
define: meme
ndsu student directory
paris hilton halloween costume
green alien
who said "cellar door" -
Love in all the wrong places....
Seriously, though:
flu +1917
affiliate marketing
apache +.htaccess
.htaccess +403
.htaccess +redirect
.htaccess +why the hell won't this work???
adaware
spybot
"cherry earrings"
lice (for real and on google)
PS - I can get you free compost in St. Paul. Is that almost the same as free much in Mounds View? :)
-Rachel L.By
, at 6:27 PM
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You seem to be a big fan of crack...me too!
By
Mister Underhill, at 6:40 PM
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I forget. Is "Afternoon Delight" by the "Nitty Gritty Dirt Band" or by Joni Mitchell?
A fine tune with a fine message. -
Well? Don't keep us in suspense. How DOES one smoke crack cocaine?
Colleen w.
also -
Pumpkin Carving
Achieve Health Care
One Minute Manicure
Liposuction (sorry Hugo, I'm weak.)
Kale nutritionBy
, at 12:28 PM
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phrases i have googled recently..
"meet the fockers" movie
"alexander" movie
"snowmobile trailers"
"marcus andrusko full frontal nudity"
-john bradleyBy
, at 11:43 PM
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cheap flight airline
cynical quotes michael moncour
nature clean products
singapore blog
shaun of the dead
aforementioned
desiderata
missionaries of charity dalit
"europa europa" quotes
monsanto agent orange -
ugly bathrooms
mac folding
bruce cockburn
styx
tabby cats
scans skill list
lake beauty bible camp
luxury boats
iraq war photos
war photos -
Afternoon Delight is by the Starlight Vocal Band.
Being more of a "metal" guy, I'm embarassed to have known the answer to this.By
The Accidental Buddhist, at 4:14 AM
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You have an interesting blog here. Some of the things people put are kind of strange...
Anyway, I like your blog and will proably be back.
Take care.
P.S. Another cool site I like is a affiliate marketing system site that is about information marketing and a little other stuff. -
Just checking out your blog....I am new to blogging.
Warm Regards
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Cheap Flight, at 10:37 AM
Friday, October 08, 2004
Q: Jenell, it's great to have you back. Why haven't you blogged all week?
A: I didn't get a weekend last weekend - just worked straight for 12 days, and I'm feeling sort of irritable and anti-social.
Q: Are you saying that we, your blog readers, are a source of irritability for you?
A: No, it's just that blogging itself felt like one more thing to do, so I left it alone for awhile.
Q: Did you have a good time in Pennsylvania? I think you're fabulous - did the people there like your ideas?
A: Yes - it was wonderful. People signifiantly critiqued some of my ideas, which gave me helpful ideas for revising my paper.
Q: What did you eat there?
A: A very good shrimp stir-fry at a restaurant, and several meals at the college cafeteria which involved 90% carbs, 5% wilted vegetables, and 5% ambiguous protein.
Q: Word on the street is that after the conference, you came back to MN and went to a covenant participant meeting at church. Any good gossip?
A: I was happy to see my friends again, and glad to hear some good news in their lives. Rachel was happy about a visit with her brother and his family, KP has a book deal, Anna gave a eulogy for her grandpa that went over well, Carla is feeling better, and Katherine says she might start reading blogs. I felt good about being friends with people who do small positive things and celebrate them together.
Q: Thank you for taking the time to do this interview. I know you're very busy.
A: I am, indeed, very busy, but I always make time to sit down with others and talk about myself.
4 Comments:
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Your self-interview brought me a much needed Friday smile.
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woman, you crack me up!
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Jenell I am glad you are back. I have missed your insightful blogging.
By
Dan Phillips, at 5:12 PM
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Some of our comments above may include links that are no longer valid or that do not have a nofollow value. They might very well lead you today to a third party. Therefore,
I ask you, if you would be so kind, to please delete or disregard those
comments.
Many thanks and best wishes,
Iza, Roberto Iza
Muy Señores Míos:
Algunos de nuestros comentarios incluyen vínculos rotos que bien pudieran llevar hoy a una tercera persona. Por tanto, le rogamos, por favor, que los deseche o desestime.
Gracias y recuerdos
Iza, Roberto IzaBy
Iza Firewall, at 2:42 PM
7 Comments:
Thank you, Jenell, for a perfect post for Halloween.
By
Hugo, at 8:03 PM
I'm not trying to be argumentitive or contrary, so I hope no one takes this as such. You won't move mountains- God will move them, through you. On the other hand, I pray that He will give you some insight to the mountains He has already moved, through you. Because He has.
By
Ben, at 9:35 AM
You're right, Ben. I need a better final sentence. "Maybe someday I'll have more faith, and I'll be the one saying, 'Move from here to there,' confident that God will do some moving."
Better? Or do you have another option for me?
By
Jenell, at 11:01 AM
I love the seventeen moving mountains on the river. Thank you for seeing and for sharing so eloquently. ~laura smith
By
Anonymous, at 11:45 AM
Mmm- no, the point was less that He will do the work and more that He has already done the work. I have a hard time hanging on to the idea, but I believe it's true. God uses us to do things we mostly won't know about until we're face to face. But I think it's important to know/believe that He's doing His will in and through us even when we don't have a clue. My faith has nothing to do with me, or what I do, and everything to do with what God chooses to do through me. At best,I think, I can choose to cooperate or not. Although what I really believe is, at best, I can choose my attitude about what He's doing.
That's probably about as clear as mud, and my original intent was to just encourage you that God is working through you whether you're aware of it or not. I know other people will testify to this as well.
By
Ben, at 1:31 PM
Every time I read your blog I am reminded of how amazing I think you are. I miss you.
By
Rachie Rach and the Funky Bunch, at 9:49 PM
I did not know you had experienced such things. I am stunned into abject silence at this. except to say that God is, and we are often asleep when He moves.
By
Empty Voice, at 12:09 AM
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