Tuesday, March 29, 2005
We received good news from our doctor this week. Though we face challenges ahead, the time for repeating the scenario of the last pregnancy is past. We are extremely unlikely to have to induce labor, delivering the babies alive with no chance they can live. (I can offer a lot more biological detail to friends, but heaven only knows who reads this blog, so I’ll refrain here). At 23.5 weeks, we aren’t in the home stretch yet, but things are going better than anyone expected. Lots of rest, little unnecessary stress, no work, and check-ups every seven days are having their effect.
I cried this morning while I ate my McDonald’s bagel with egg, cheese and Canadian bacon (mmm… the babies love calories). I felt grateful, because I felt that I have experienced sustenance and mercy. But I feared that I had no one to thank. My theology of prayer has made it difficult for me to pray, which isn’t what I want my theology to do. I tend to approach prayer mathematically, in either-or terms. God either answers prayer, or He doesn’t. If we thank God for the good things, then we have to hold Him responsible for the bad things. He’s either in control of everything, or nothing. I wanted so much to thank God for bringing me, James, and the babes this far, but I couldn’t decide whether or not to give Him credit. If He gets credit for a successful outcome this time, then isn’t He also responsible for the death of my other babies? I don’t want to give credit where credit isn’t due, even if it’s just with my words, spoken while I am alone.
I felt like an atheist, with a heart full of gratitude but no one to thank. I said, “I just want You to know that I’m really happy right now.” And, as I reflected on my consuming thoughts about causality in the universe, and on what prayer has meant to me over the course of my life, I decided to stop talking about prayer in terms of answers. Maybe God never “answers” prayer, in the sense of answering a phonecall or answering a request. I believe God responds to prayer, and that He has done this for me every time I’ve prayed. It seems that sometimes His response is simply, “I see you struggling,” or “I, too, wish things were different.” Other times, I see changes in relationships or in my perspective, and it seems that I am just receiving the changes, not making them happen. Perhaps prayer sometimes moves God’s hand – I’m not willing to say that, but I realize it could be true.
When good things happen to me, I want to speak with God. When bad things happen to me, I must approach Him. I don’t know what He does with my words, cries, and supplications, but I suppose that’s His business and not mine. I pray because I have to, not because I understand it. I’m going to thank God for the good stuff, and not blame Him for the bad stuff. Whether or not it adds up, that’s a theology for the kind of life I want to live.
Sunday, March 27, 2005
It’s Easter morning, and instead of going to church, I’m hemming blankets for dead babies. I’m thinking of my three dead sons, my two living fetal sons, and moms and dads in local hospitals this morning who are losing their babies. I’m giving these blankets to a local organization that makes care packages for parents of stillborn and miscarried babies, and dying infants. James asked, “Why does a dead baby need a blanket?” I got the joke, but said, “Every baby needs a blanket.” He already knew that.
I’m sewing by sunlight, sitting in my blessed brown recliner, the only chair that allows me to forget my back pain entirely. I use my grandma’s embroidery thread. I inherited a box of thread in 1981, when I was nine and alive, and she was sixty two and dead. I’ve been sewing with that thread ever since, my widow’s jug of oil that never empties. I’m wearing James’ nightshirt, and Opal sits on the arm of the chair. I’m about fifty feet from the big tree in our front yard, where three memorial stones sit at the base of the tree. My sister made the stones, and my parents apparently came by last night and left an Easter basket for their grandsons (there better be candy in there – there’s no shame in taking candy from babies who aren’t going to eat it anyway).
Every life, no matter how short, has a story. My life is bound up with my family, my cat, my sons, my husband, and all the other bereaved parents – my co-sufferers. Each of them will have a story to tell about how their baby was conceived, carried, loved, delivered, died, and memorialized. Christians spend days each year telling the story of their baby Jesus – how he was conceived, carried, loved, delivered, died, memorialized, and then risen. My self-pity is triggered by Good Friday and Holy Saturday, and part of me wants to only tell my sad stories, and stay with my suffering Lord. The sad days count, in and of themselves, but they do lead to Easter. At the height of my self-pity yesterday, I felt bad for myself because Jesus got to be resurrected, but none of the rest of us receive our beloved dead back in this life. My life, however, is bound up with his. Because God’s love is stronger than death, my sons are alive in the encompassing love of the universe. I can’t have what I want – the resurrection of the body today – but I am not left with nothing.
In response to my Holy Saturday post, Rick wrote of Job, “everything was restored to him in the end - except his kids who were still dead and his stuff that was still destroyed. There's never "getting over" that kind of thing.“ Indeed, part of me died 18 months ago with my sons, and will never be restored. The part of me that remains, however, the body and soul that goes to bed each night, was woken by God this morning to be alive with Christ. Happy Easter.
2 Comments:
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I sometimes think that Job's story isn't fair to us. We know the end of Job's story; we don't "know" the end of ours. Some days all we have is hope; some day, eventually, "Sunday's coming..."
This week is the anniversary of my father's death. Last year, this was a very bad time. I think it's going to be much better this year. -
Thanks for this post. It's always good to hear from those we suffer with. My son Matthew may be romping his way through Jesus' hallways with your sons. Wonder what kind of mischief they can get into "up there"? :-)
God's grace be with you through this expectation. I hope your children bless you as much as my 3 daughters have.
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Maggi, Bob, and Christy all mention the solemnity of Holy Saturday, and the way the people at the time would have understood Jesus’ death to be permanent. We may be tempted to rush to the end of the story, skipping over this sad part.
I’m skipping everything this Easter. No Lent, no Maundy Thursday footwashing, no Good Friday art, no Easter joy. I’m going to my mom’s for Easter ham, and that’s it. I am well aware of how sad death is, and I can’t bear to enter into, feel, or empathize with someone else’s sorrow unless I really have to. I observe these days in my mind and via blogs, but I seek no intense emotional or spiritual experience. Christians have been observing Good Friday and Holy Saturday for 2000 years, and those thousands of observances should make space for a few of us to opt out now and then. I’ll be carried along by the saints, and will come back to carry others again next year.
The sadness of Jesus’ torture and death mean something different after the resurrection, but not entirely different. His mother would still remember him being in pain, and not being able to help, and watching him die. The resurrection doesn’t heal or erase that memory, nor the reality of what had happened. The resurrection, however, makes it mean something. Jesus’ mother can know that his suffering was not for nothing. This is a great consolation – one of our deep fears in suffering is that we are being tortured for no reason, and that our lives and their events are meaningless.
Torture and cruelty are one thing, and death is another. In my experience watching my sons die, death was not cruel or mean. It was natural, simple, and plain. But it was also relentless, coming to take and not to give. And the separation is near-total. Jesus’ resurrection takes the edge off death’s totalizing separation, but we still experience longing for our loved ones, and sad memories of the ways they suffered and died. I’m glad for God’s power over death, and I believe that resurrection power has been a comfort to me, a healing knowledge, and a source of hope. But though the resurrection really happened, it is still so slow to fully happen.
For months after the deaths of my babies, every day was Good Friday, filled with physical pain, spiritual suffering, and the shock of watching death come into my room empty-handed, and leaving with satchel full. Now, it’s Holy Saturday, and has been for a year or so. I’m well aware of death and can speak of it plainly, without tears or drama. I have some hope, but it is far from fulfilled. I squint toward Sunday, but can’t really open my eyes to the possibility. I’ll observe Easter Sunday with the saints, seeing the big picture of resurrection and re-telling the story. But I still long for the small story of my life to be absorbed into Christ’s joy.
1 Comments:
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i'm there with you, similar but different. i put in THE PASSION on dvd the other day - i saw it in the theaters but just now bought the video to watch here at easter. i was appalled at how flippant i'd been in "just popping in a video to see Jesus die again", and i couldnt watch it. maybe later - i'm drawn to the relationships, the way Jesus looks people in the eyes through the whole film. but i couldn't do it right now.
people want to take away the pain - i was reminded of Job as i read your stuff. everything was restored to him in the end - ecept his kids who were still dead and hiw stuff that was still destroyed. there's never "getting over" that kind of thing. thanks for posting your heart.
Friday, March 25, 2005
I’m part of a focus group reviewing a new sexuality textbook for a publishing company. For the most part, I like the book (especially the photo of a genital wart-ridden penis). It’s well-researched and accurate, and relays good information about sexuality. It also has powerful biases – sexual expression is better than withholding, extensive sexual knowledge is better than chosen naivete, and abstinence-only education programs are bad. Chapters on fertility and pregnancy are late in the book, while sexual identity is in the front…sigh. My question for you, however, is on a different subject.
Is a college classroom a proper setting to teach people how to have sex? Of all the explicitness in the book, I balk at information about technique. I’m fine with photographs of penises and vaginas, but don’t like line drawings of people having intercourse.
One of the learning objectives in one of the student exercises is that students will “plan to share what they find as a boost or block to arousal with their sexual partners.” The chapter is about sexual response, and by this point in the book they’ve learned about how to increase pleasure in anal sex, how to give oral sex to a man without gagging, and a detailed list of body parts that may feel good when rubbed against other body parts. Now, they’re being encouraged to communicate with their sexual partners in a particular way.
I really appreciate the chapter on communicating sexual boundaries, and communicating about sexual abuse or attack. But should an undergraduate professor encourage students to increase their sexual arousal/pleasure with their partners? That feels like a boundary crossed. I think my place in my students’ sex lives is fairly minimal, and I gain that place by personal invitation to conversation. In the classroom, I teach more about any subject, even anal sex or frottage, but about the social dynamics, the history, the changing meanings, and the theology of – not technique. I think Hugo’s lecture on tampons, for example, models a healthy attitude toward the body, teaches interesting information about gender and history, and may (or may not) speak into students’ personal lives – students have that choice, depending on how they listen.
I know we always speak from a perspective, and always share our biases, but I don’t think we should teach undergrads how to have sex. But I do think we should teach them technique for how to communicate well, how to relate cross-culturally…why draw the line where I do? I teach at a Christian college that forbids nonmarital sex, but even so, I leave things open with students so they can speak their own truth. Granted, I pose questions that lead in an abstinence direction, and students know where I stand, but I do little more than pose questions like, “How do you feel about living in/out of harmony with your religious tradition?” “What experiences do you want to bring into marriage?” “Is this man worth giving your body to, and why?” Students are still free, however, to craft and hold their own values. This kind of intimate talk happens only one-on-one, and only at the initiative of the student - not in the classroom.
I’d appreciate some perspective on my questions – God forbid I should come across like a conservative in the focus group (well, that’s probably inevitable)!
29 Comments:
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Jenell, thanks for the link.
I'm with you that we must be careful to protect our students from the implication that we are prescribing certain behaviors. For example, I have a colleague who teaches human sexuality. When she lectures on masturbation, she says "Let's face it: everyone here masturbates, men and women alike." Her students squirm. I don't think that presumptuousness is helpful or professional.
I want my students to be informed users of their body, making decisions about pleasure and ethics and sanitary products based upon their own faith and their own desires. But I'm not going to suggest any particular course of action. It's one thing to combat shame and ignorance, and another to insist that students do physical exploring outside of their comfort zone. -
I'd say your attitude is exactly right. I agree that Hugo's post set the right tone, too. You're both very descriptive and open about the facts (history, what people can do), but without crossing the line to being prescriptive.
So go ahead and be that conservative ;)By
dave paisley, at 2:31 PM
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"I want my students to be informed users of their body, making decisions about pleasure and ethics and sanitary products based upon their own faith and their own desires."
I would be concerned a bit there Hugo- I can make a lot of lousy decisions based on my own desires-
I don't know much about teaching; how would you possibly judge the, uh, performance, of a student in a class on sexual technique? It seems to me, in my thoroughly conservative evangelical identity, that good technique is whatever is satisfactory between wife and husband- which requires more communication skill than physical skill. -
I agree, there are plenty of resources outside of the classroom; books, therapy, that can be utilized for technique. Seems like a personal issue between partners that a teacher in a classroom setting should not have to address, nor would it necessarily be helpful anyways.
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, at 5:57 PM
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Ben, I honor your concern. That's why I said that their decisions should be made on the basis of both faith and desire, with each informing the other. In a secular community college, that means that some will make their decisions on desire alone -- which doesn't mean those decisions will necessarily be poor ones.
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I don't think there's a right answer here - we could include or not include sexual technique in college curriculum as we like - it's just a matter of social construction. I think I know my opinion, however, and you've helped me clarify it.
It's also clearly the case that Christian and secular higher ed, while similar, have different purposes and boundaries. I'd consider the issue differently if I were at a secular school, and would approach student values somewhat differently as well. -
i think it's kind of ironic that anyone is creating a textbook that at least in part offers some pointers on better sex *for college students*(!) how much encouragement does this population need to pursue better sex???
i think time would be better spent on the ethics and personal and gender politics of sex. that would encourage more reflection and not necessarily more experimentation.
your views don't sound too conservative jenell. they just sound professional and ethically sound. -
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Wednesday, March 23, 2005
First off, I heart Dave. In addition to helping me set up my feedreader, he called me a ‘housebound expectant mother’ – no one has said that yet, and it sounded good! And, check out blog aggregators at www.feedreader.com. So worth the small effort to have all my blogs checked for new posts and aggregated in one window.
Do you ever intentionally misrepresent yourself, because telling the truth would be just too much effort? I did. As you know, my mother works at a super-conservative Christian bookstore/print shop (they do sell to Catholics, but they keep the rosaries in a drawer so as not to offend Protestants). She connected me to a man who is paying me to hand-address 1000 postcards for his business. Believe me, it doesn’t pay well, but it’s something to pass the time. I met him yesterday at a coffee shop to pick up postcards and negotiate pay. He is quite senior – he has been married for 58 years, and his oldest son is 56. I had to shout so loud for him to hear me that the guy at the table next to us got up and moved.
He said to me, “Well, this must be good work for you while you’re expecting your baby.”
I said, “yes, it is.”
He said, “Is this your first?”
I said, “It’s my first and second.”
He said, more loudly, “I know. I said, is this your first baby?”
I shouted, “I said it’s twins – first and second!” (This is the first lie. These are babies number 4 and 5 for me, but I didn’t want to shout about the triplets).
He said, “So, what does your husband do?”
I said, “He’s an electrician.”
“Well, that’s a good job. Do you like to sew, or cook, or what do you do around the house?”
I said, “Yes, I like to sew. And I do sort of have a job.” (second lie – I’m too embarrassed to say I have a PhD and a job at a university, but am taking work hand-addressing postcards!)
So, I could have explained that I have a real professional job, and these are not my first babies. Just explaining that they were twins, however, brought congratulations and belly stares from the guy at the table next to us, and the woman who owns the store, who couldn’t help hearing. When I meet people associated with this Christian bookstore, their expectations tend to be very strong around the woman-being-housewife issue. Sometimes it’s worth challenging, but sometimes, like yesterday, it just isn’t. Call me a crappy feminist, I don’t care.
My favorite story from the elderly man…
“When my wife was having our first son, she had a terrible time. When they wheeled her down the hallway at the hospital, she cried out to me, “Jim, I want to go home!” [He laughs and laughs] What a crazy thing to say – why would a woman say that? I’ll never know!
10 Comments:
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While traveling with an aunt in WA, I got tired of small talk with strangers on the ferry. So when yet another person asked what I do for a living, I told them I was a Lithuanian Freedom Fighter. That's now my default "I'm never seeing you again and don't really want to tell you my life story" answer.
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I tend to go with the name Jorie Cantrell, and tailor the life details according to situation.
katieBy
, at 2:40 PM
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You mention FeedReader, will you put your blog on an RSS feed?
By
, at 1:20 PM
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Anonymous,
I thought I did put my blog on an rss feed. In the blogger.com settings, I have said 'yes' to syndication and to rss feed. In blogger.com, it lists the rss url, but it doesn't appear on the blog that viewers see. Do you know why, or do I need to do something different? -
the guy's comment at the end of your post made me laugh!
in about the 12th hour of labor with baby #1 and the 3rd hour of heavy labor and double peaking contractions and drug induced delirium I do remember saying "I dont want any kids..I dont want to have a baby. I want to go home and forget this whole thing!" and laughing...
withing a half hour I was looking at a purplish little being and knew right then and there I would have done it a hundred more times-just for that moment...
much prayers for you Jenell on your journey. -
“We cannot live for ourselves alone. Our lives are connected by a thousand invisible threads, and along these sympathetic fibers, our actions run as causes and return to us as results.”
- Herman Melville
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, at 9:29 PM
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
1. Baby Maddelyn is new - congratulations Jimmy, Carla, Isaac and Emily!
2. Baby Zeke is new - congratulations Kerry and Erik!
3. Katie being 28 is new - happy birthday!!
4. Dave Paisley taught me how to use www.feedreader.com, and now my blog list is aggregated into a feed reader (I don't really even know those words mean - hopefully it makes sense). I love it!!
5. My babies may be renamed Jacob and Esau, for all the wrestling they're doing in the womb. I'm trying to figure out whether or not it's possible for a second twin to be born grasping the heel of the first. I'm pretty sure it's not possible - first baby is usually already out before second baby's amniotic sac has broken. There goes the Bible again with crazy stories...
6. My niece has a new guinea pig named Buttercup. I'm going to visit the stupid beast at lunchtime. I'm not a fan of guinea pigs, but Katherine's dad is allergic to fur.
7. Me not wretching and puking stomach acid every morning is new. I'm most grateful.
What's new with you?
5 Comments:
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thanks for the birthday wishes! i am finding year 28 to be strikingly similar to year 27 so far, but with less sleep. good luck with the hampster. you are a terrific aunt.
katieBy
, at 2:48 PM
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sorry, guinea pig. are they different than hampsters? hmm. maybe i'll learn that in Y28.
katieBy
, at 2:49 PM
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I love the fact that you still don't know what it means but you mastered it anyway :D
By
dave paisley, at 10:50 PM
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"I'm going to visit the stupid beast". . . . . shocking coming from a lover of cats.
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Wow! As I was net cruising for Christian and Bible Blogs, I came across yours. You have put together an informative blog here. I was trying to find sites that I could share some information I have pertaining to Esau and the Edomites. You might find some interest in my website as well.
With Many Blessings,
Dennis Day
http://www.BibleFamilyTree.comBy
Dennis Day, at 5:14 PM
Monday, March 21, 2005
Ruby and Opal have been just so darn amusing that I haven’t been able to blog for a week. My interspecies mindfulness (meditative practice I created) has been going very well. Really, I have a long list of physical complaints, and it’s been uncomfortable to sit at the computer for very long. Fortunately, my complaints relate only to myself – the babes are doing great. I’m alarmingly large. Note to self: avoid future weight gain that results in sweat collecting between belly and thighs when sitting.
My final word on Anne Lamott’s Plan B: borrow it (you can borrow mine if you like), or wait for paperback. Do read it, but don’t spend $20 each on a hardcover for yourself and one for a friend, like I did.
New literary love of my life? My Faith So Far, by Patton Dodd. I’m guessing he’s in his late 20s now, and his memoir covers two years of his life, age 18-20, when he converted to charismatic evangelicalism, went to Oral Roberts University, started doubting, and left ORU. Now he’s a grad student in literature and religion at Boston U.
I’m not charismatic, but I recognized his rich descriptions as that which we used to criticize in my non-charismatic evangelical church. Patton says, “the cultural relativity of the nature of my belief in God frightens me, and some days I feel myself clutching to my comfortable extreme of belief so as to avoid swinging to the opposite, hell-bound extreme of disbelief.” It’s obvious that he’s reading about the social construction of reality and language in grad school, and is reflecting on his past – how was belief and practice constructed by charismatics, and where (if anywhere) is pure faith in it? He collects a list of “Screwy Christian Stuff” from ORU, like name-it-and-claim it prayer, over the top worship experiences, and the badness of CCM.
I’d like my students to explore the cultural construction of belief, and the transcendent nature of God – both at the same time. I’d also like them to say something like Patton does at the end. As a 20-year-old, he decides, “I have committed to know God more – to be intellectually honest about my doubts yet determined to grow in faith.” He keeps practicing the faith and living like a Christian because he wants to be one, but won’t look away or accept easy answers to his questions.
After reading Lauren Winner’s review of this book in CT, I expected his tone to be sort of snarky and ironic (the kind of self-conscious irony that isn’t really irony at all). Instead, he is open-hearted and honest about what he loved about charismatic worship at the time (he was a power worship dancer for Jesus, but not so good with tongues). He doesn’t take a future ‘now I know it all’ tone toward his past, but instead describes his own well-intentioned steps of faith in the past, saying in the end that his efforts toward God in the present are no different. He’s equally gracious toward Richard Roberts and ORU, though they may not appreciate the questions about authenticity in experience that he raises.
I was more sad when this book ended than when Plan B ended. I wish he had not stopped at age 20, briefly listing major events between that time and the present. I wanted to see how the story played out from 18-25, or 18-30. I suppose that’s not a critique of the book, however, just an indication of how much I liked it. I’m heading over to Dodd's woefully inadequate blog to see what else I can learn about him. I’d like to know what his dissertation topic is. Let’s see if I can find out – I’ll report next post.
3 Comments:
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You're killing me. i read that book a couple months ago. It did inspire me to send out my book proposal, and i liked how he gently examined many facets of the faith that some believers take for granted, but i didn't think it was great.
Sigh.
I thought the same about that Leif Enger book you all worshiped, too, so I guess my book-recommending cred is lessening here. -
Could I borrow MFSF sometime? I hear echoes of my own story in your description and it makes me curious.
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Yes, Rachel. If I come tomorrow night to Colleen's, I'll bring it (I'm assuming you might be there?). The book made me think of both you and Colleen Welch - I think you'd both resonate with many of his questions and experiences.
Monday, March 14, 2005
Plan B. OK, the negative bits first.
1- This strikes me as a laurel-resting book that follows a book of tremendous effort (Traveling Mercies). It’s expensive, hard-cover, with extremely wide margins. Traveling Mercies has a lot more text packed in there. Personal note: I’d let a publishing company do this, too, if more than 75 people read my books.
2- The subtitle is “further thoughts on faith” (Traveling Mercies was “Some thoughts on faith”). A better subtitle would be, “thoughts on living during the Bush Administration.” There is more about Bush than faith. Many of the stories are about her, as a believer, suffering through a war and a president she opposes.
3- The way she talks about faith is very, very similar to Traveling Mercies. Be kind to yourself, be kind to others, God is very very loving, and do your best. Her faith is very practical and experiential, which is solid and good, but it’s not sparking very many further thoughts about faith for me.
The good stuff.
1- I love Anne Lamott. She writes good. She writes in everyday language, with no separation between the sacred and the secular.
2- She’s funny. She is self-deprecating, at times to the point of self-indulgence, but still it’s funny and makes me feel like I can let go of some of my sucking-in-of-the-gut.
3- My favorite insight about faith so far (OK, the only one I’ve dog-eared).
“I remembered something Father Tom had told me – that the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point completely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns. Faith also means reaching deeply within, for the sense one was born with, the sense, for example, to go for a walk.”
5 Comments:
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It's a great quote. I can skip the book now in good conscience.
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That's funny, Hugo. I was going to ask, "Is that quote worth reading the whole book?"
I highly suggest listening to Traveling Mercies on tape/CD.By
Solomon's Girl, at 1:54 PM
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I'm so glad to see this review - I'm reading Plan B right now and keep having a feeling that, as my theater pals say, she's phoning it in. I remember the summer I first read Travelling Mercies I just sat on the couch and laughed and cried and laughed until I cried and I guess I secretly hoped it would happen again.
It's fine. It's not great. And I'm a little disappointed because I hoped for more than fine.
AND - I also have only dogeared one quote and its the EXACT SAME ONE.....
Anyway, thanks so much Janell for saying what I've been thinking. -
Seriously I'm with ya Jenell and Juniper ... I really wanted to love it, but the first few chapters make me want to stop with Traveling Mercies and rest on a good thing. Especially on the Bush thing, I'm thinking along the lines of my corporate life where I told people "dont just gripe, come with a SOLUTION" it's kind of depressing to read.
By
, at 12:08 AM
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(what is blog etiquette about commenting twice? well, I'm going for it - let me know if I'm commiting a faux pas)
I had another thought about this book - having finished it now. I wonder if it's just more interesting listening to someone think out loud when they're figuring things out, (travelling mercies) than someone who's got things figured out already, which seems like more the tone of this book.
Also, wonder if it's an age thing. In my mid-30's now, I can really relate to TM more than this one - I'd like to hear from someone in their 50's...
-Jennifer in Seattle
PS: Oh, I kind of liked the anti-Bush parts, btw.
Friday, March 11, 2005
I don't want to blog today. I'd like to write about Anne Lamott, and I'd like to write about a Dan Allender book as well, but not today.
I've been spending more time alone, with silence and/or Andy Griffith singing hymns (on a CD - he doesn't actually come to my house). I have started singing to Philipo and Flanders, mostly the hymn "No Not One" and "The Missouri Waltz." The state song of Missouri is my favorite lullaby that my grandma used to sing. I play piano and sing at about a C+ level, like my grandma, so I'm keeping the tradition going. I want the boys to hear my singing voice now so they're not horrified by it when their ears lack a thick covering of belly.
My soul has been diseased, and has been healed. My soul is still troubled, and I love Jesus for the healing that will happen sooner or later (the way God works with me, it will probably be later). That's why I like No Not One.
There's not a friend like the lowly Jesus, no not one, no not one.
None else could heal all our soul's diseases, no not one, no not one.
Jesus knows all about our struggles,
He will guide 'til the day is done,
There's not a friend like the lowly Jesus, no not one, no not one.
Have a blessed day.
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
After extensive analysis, including map-making of tabby markings, the Complete Cat Book has convinced me that neither Ruby nor Opal are fit for showing. For a short-haired gray-grounded, black mackeral tabby, Ruby has a flawed black back stripe. For a short-haired bicolor white-and-orange ticked tabby, Opal is actually in great shape. She’s just decrepit and has runny eyes. The Cat association also won’t show declawed cats – they say it’s wrong to declaw a cat unless it’s owner is a hemophiliac (or something along those lines).
Cats have five emotions with associated body movements – they’re great with mind/body harmony. Relaxation (ears alert, eyes appropriately dilated, whiskers straight out), anger (ears back, whiskers back), fear (ears back, back flat or arched, paws drawn in), alertness for hunting (dilated eyes, hyper-alertness), and ecstasy (eyes half shut, purring, limp body). I’m not sure how many emotions humans have, but surely more than five. And we separate our bodies from our minds, so others can’t tell what we’re feeling.
It seems obvious that relaxation is the most healthy, non-stressed state for a cat. From that resting state, they move to the ‘bad stress’ of fear or anger, and to the ‘good stress’ of alertness or ecstasy. The extremes are temporary, however. A cat probably spends 60-80% of its time asleep, and 90% of the rest relaxed. Ruby is enlivened by her anger and hunting, seeks ecstasy from sun or humans, and then returns to her normal relaxation.
James said to me last night, “It seems like a major lesson for you in grief was that you needed to learn to calm down.” I had to learn that being calm is important, and I had to learn how to achieve a calm state. In grief, I lived with sadness (tears, excessive sleep, narcissism, despair), as my base state and rarely relaxed. For most of my adulthood, alertness is my normal state (quick, talkative, active, ambitious), rarely relaxing. In this pregnancy, fear has at times been a base state (immobile, worried, sweating, negative thoughts, panic). These two boys are benefiting, however, from the legacy of their older brothers: their mother has learned to relax. I haven’t become a different sort of person, but now I’m an alert, active person who has some techniques to use to successfully relax and calm down. One technique is to practice mindfulness by staring at a cat for 20 minutes until my mind clears and my heartrate slows.
These challenges are unique to individuals. What is your ‘normal’ mind/body state in the course of a day? What would you like it to be?
3 Comments:
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I tend toward uptightness quite a lot, and completely relate with the good effects of watching cats! The end of this post (http://unveilings.typepad.com/unveilings/2004/09/inside_outside.html) is my ode to catness. :)
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, at 5:19 AM
Monday, March 07, 2005
Normally I'm interested in sex.
Does that sentence need a comma? Or is the comma optional? And do you know why? I need to know for something I'm drafting about Alfred Kinsey today.
I wanted to e-mail KP and Rachel to ask, but I can't find KP's e-mail. I wound up burrowed into the church's new directory, which I'm sure people have put alot of time and effort into, and it's really very nice. It seems to be Christian software, however, which means it is gender-biased as if it were 1950. James is my 'head', and I am his 'spouse.' I changed my marital status to 'single', and tried to list us as separate individuals, but I can't. I think I have to contact Tom to have James and I listed as two separate individuals, not members of the same family. Denying the existence of my marriage is better than appearing to have a life headed by a man.
As our late friend Nate Durkee-Pollack used to say, "If there's a spiritual head, then there must be a spiritual ass, and I'm pretty sure that's me."
13 Comments:
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I believe that it should have a comma after "normally."
I know we discussed the "head of household" issue several months ago when considering switching to this software. I think there was a way for us to rename categories; I suspect they just haven't had time to do that yet. But it bothered us, too. -
Uh-
Being both husband and father, I have been assured by my wife and children that I can be 'head' and 'ass' at the same time... -
I second Rachel's comment support.
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I disagree with rachel and kp - I think the comma is optional. I've been searching my reference guides today and I can't find a clear-cut rule, but your sentence works both with and without it. I think it depends on your style and the way you want the rhythm of the sentence to be.
In "Eats, Shoots and Leaves," Lynne Truss says, "When it comes to improving the clarity of a sentence, you can nearly always argue that [a comma] should go in; you can nearly always argue that one should come out." She says there are rules for commas, but that "stylists have...always dickered with the rules."
I couldn't find a specific rule for your sentence in "The Elements of Style" either.
I think you should use your discretion and decide based on rhythm, not rule.
-Kim VBBy
, at 5:24 PM
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Kim's right. Commas in particular, while bowing to a few general rules, are one of those elements that can and do allow for author flexibility. If the meaning is clear without one, I typically leave it out just to keep the copy clean.
And what are you really trying to say here? It sounds to me like you are overly interested in sexuality and probably need a time of cleansing and repentence to get right with the Lord once again.By
, at 6:23 PM
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This is going to sound dorky but. . . I just got out of an english class where the really trust-worthy prof said that a comma is only mandatory after a five word intro. your "normally" stands well alone.
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I think Carla is lashing out at me from her joylessness.
I'm trying to write a catchy intro to my article on Alfred Kinsey. Normally I'm interested in sex, but I've had it, after immersing myself in his life for awhile. I think the intro might be too potentially flip and offensive, and it probably won't stay in there. I'm submitting it that way, tho.
Carla and Kim both get paid for writing and have prestigious English degrees. And, I was Kim's teacher (though not for writing), so she must be right.
But my style goes with KP and Rachel - I feel like putting a comma in there. This draft, I've been working on it for awhile, is full of commas, and I think, for that reason, I considered taking one out early on, say, in the first sentences. Most of the time -- other days -- I'm more lured by the hyphen -- or is it a dash? -
that would be an m-dash.
By
, at 12:39 PM
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on the way to church i saw a sign that said DON'T PUT A PERIOD WHERE GOD HAS PUT A COMMA. so, that means to me we should pray about all punctuation before being all willy-nilly with it, esp. as pertaining to writings about sex. ;)
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Ok, here's a question I have. I read the sentence completely differently, depending on whether or not there's a comma.
Normally, I'm interested in sex. (But now I'm not. No suggestion that I'm interested in something else, just that my interest has stopped.)Normally I'm interested in sex. (But now I'm interested in monkeys. Or knitting. Or monkeys knitting. It's a shift of interest, rather than a complete cessation.)Does anybody else read these differently, or is it just me?
Just me? Ok.... -
Interesting, Rachel. I have decided to keep the comma, and your associated meaning is the one I intend.
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Sunday, March 06, 2005
I've been mulling over the insults hurled against Carla and her writing, and reflecting on some of my own. For writing that Christian mothers face pressure to act like everything's OK, and maybe they should take the freedom to be honest about the complexity of their lives, Carla is perceived to be, in her own life, joyless and bitter, by people who don't know her. I wrote an article for CT about how Christians don't tell the truth about sex -that it complicated, and requires work, sometimes even a lot of work, even for people who didn't commit any sex sins before marriage. For that, a family member said to me at Thanksgiving dinner, "Well, you've only been married for five years. Sex will probably get better for you." I've also had my heterosexuality called into question because I'm very interested in sexual orientation and have written about it.
Why, when a person writes or speaks about a Christian taboo, is the person assumed to be launching a cry for help? I suspect that such questions and critiques are a way of maintaining the status quo. If Carla gets the message that women who speak honestly about motherhood will have their own mothering called into question, maybe she'll keep quiet. And, more important than Carla herself, the women reading such articles and letters to the editor will also get the message. Criticisms try to silence the truth-tellers, do silence the masses, and keep the system of lies running.
Secondly, I suspect that if our churches and Christian public discourse were more open, we'd be able to distinguish btw our personal problems and our broader statements. If I were writing about, say, adultery, I could be perceived as doing so becuase I think it's an important issue for my community writ large, not necessarily because it's part of my life at the moment. And, if I were struggling with sex in my marriage, I could say to someone trusted, "I'm struggling with sex in my marriage." Because that level of honesty is almost always unacceptable, people speak of their struggles sideways, by accusing others of having said struggle, by projecting personal struggle onto the masses, or by distancing oneself from one's struggle while still engaging it through study or writing.
I also wonder whether this is a gender issue. Men face such questioning when they write about homosexuality, no doubt. But I'm reading a book by Dan Allender (To be Told), and he writes extensively about his personal life. He's a professional counselor, and a seminary president, however, and somehow he still manages to come across as all together (of course, this is my subjectivity as a reader). Maybe this is unfair - the personalizing of public discourse might happen equally to men and to women.
I long for a Christian world in which people just say what they mean. No codes, no veiled comments - just say it plain.
12 Comments:
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i wish for the same thing, but there's no safety in it. whenever i am very, very honest about how i feel in writing, usually two familiar things happen: 1)people question my salvation (which after awhile makes me question my salvation) and 2)i am put into a category that never quite fits ("you should be nicer" or "you're not a team player" or "you have issues".
all of the above are probably somewhat legitimate concerns, but they leave the point i'm making unaddressed and my feelings hurt. then i don't want to say anything.
sigh. -
This is why there are things I don't write about on my blog. I try to be very honest about what I do say, but there are areas I have decided not to write about. Some ot those areas involve other people and I'm not sure it's fair to write about someone's story other than my own. I don't write about sex or sexuality, because I know I'm not up for the backlash from that. I have enough issues in that area that I would feel crushed by the response, and life is hard enough already.
IRL, I feel fortunate to have friends I can talk to about anything, whether it be sex or family or being pissed off at God or whatever. That's outside the arena of a church or ministry setting though, which probably has something to do with it - we don't have anything to lose by being honest.
This is all a long way of saying "What Jen said."
ChristyBy
, at 7:15 PM
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I remember a few years ago being part of a group, might have been a 'boundaries" type of class, where some folks started being honest & open about some problems in their lives that were also a problem in my life. At the time I was not ready to deal with my version- not at all ready to admit I had the same thing going on. I was fortunate enough to recognize what was going on and excuse myself from the group, knowing I wasn't ready yet to deal with it.
I can be very threatened by someone else's honesty. It reminds me of what my heart desires, but my self-knowledges always reminds me of the threat of rejection. And it's not uncommon for the fear of rejection(and the supposed shame and humiliation that comes with it) to over power the desire to be transparent. -
I'd share a lot more on my blog if it weren't for my fiancee's feelings -- with a past like mine, she deserves at least some discretion on my part in a public forum.
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Friday, March 04, 2005
I can't blog because I'm reading all the time. I got Plan B, Anne Lamott's new book. I'm trying to read slowly, and restrict myself to two chapters a day so it will last longer. While I'm reading, I have interrupting thoughts like, "The book is ending," "There won't be a new Anne Lamott book for awhile," "This pleasure is fleeting..." It's hard to relax and enjoy the book becuase I so don't want it to end. Her comments about George Bush are bugging me, even though I agree with what she's saying. Other than that, it's classic crazy Anne Lamott.
Any recommendations about how to read a book you don't want to end?
11 Comments:
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Yes, I don't read them. First, I determine if I'll like it from others, and from reading a chapter here or there. Then I put the book on my shelf and wait for there to be a set of 3 or 4 from the same author. Knowing I have 3 or 4, I can then read 1 not having the thoughts you have. Downside? I have to wait 3-10 years to read that author.
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I suppose you could read the book backwards- then when you finished you be at the beginning...
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the most luck i've ever had in making books last a long time is when i read them just before falling asleep. even if they're interesting, i have such a busy life that i have a hard time staying awake for more than a few pages.
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first, Jimmy, honey, you don't read anything except theology, which is not the kind of reading a person doesn't want to end. I just want to be clear that your methods are not suited for those of us who read good books.
Second, can't pace myself, so the best books are over far too quickly. My only joy comes from knowing I will read it again. Still, there are a few books that make me envy those who get to read then for the first time: Owen Meany, Time-Traveler's Wife, Peace Like a River.By
, at 4:22 PM
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Jenell,
Will you tell us more about Anne Lamott's books? I've thought about reading one, just to see why everyone's excited, but am afraid I won't be able to relate. What does she write about and what is her writing like?
Thanks for any info.,
Jennifer -
here is what I do;
skip sentences or whole paragraphs, then read it again to see what you missed.'
You get the gist of the book, but the next time through it is even better.By
Doug Pagitt, at 4:36 PM
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Didn't even know she had a new book. Will have to get it. Thanks.
By
Dan Phillips, at 3:18 AM
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Jennifer,
Anne Lamott's most famous book, Traveling Mercies, and the new one, Plan B, are memoirs. She writes about herself as a kooky, flawed person trying to live as a Christian. It's very grounded in place - in California, in her life, and church and family. She also writes alot of fiction.
I like her memoirs because she crafts beautiful sentences, and she's funny. -
i remember having this experience with anne lamott's last book. the whole time i couldn't enjoy it because i knew it was going to end.
sometimes i save a favorite book for a favorite place so that the two will be deeply fused in my memory. for example, i purposely made myself stop reading cloister walk, so i'd have some left to read on my honeymoon in new york city. dave took a picture of me reading it in a coffee shop so the moment would be captured forever. -
This is exactly how I feel during a massage. :)
ShelleyBy
, at 5:44 PM
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what are her comments on george bush?
By
StorminNormin, at 12:03 AM
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
During one college semester, I spent time with a guy named Russ, and we kissed and acted exclusive, but I would never acknowledge I was dating him. He said about something, "You can't give what you don't have." Then, when I said I wasn't interested in him, he said, "It's good this is ending. I've really thought about you, Jenell, and decided that I see nothing of Christ in you. I think you need to work on that." (He also said I kissed like his aunt, but that's another story).
I'd like to rid myself of all memories of Russ, but they won't go away. It's true - "You can't give what you don't have." I wish I experienced the perfect love of God, so I could perfectly love the people around me. A friend yesterday peered into James' and my lives, and our marriage, with total acceptance. I felt embarrassed, ashamed, and worried that the love and acceptance was going to be taken away. It also felt really good. I said to James, "You can't just love people like that. People need fear of judgment in order to be good." I was kidding, but the words only came to mind because they are, in fact, rolling around in my mind.
James loves me very well, and his grace and acceptance don't make me a slacker. It's transformed my life. I have a broader emotional range, I experience more pleasure and joy, I take risks I couldn't have taken before, I share my failures and fears, and I have a better sense of humor. He knows I can't perform perfectly, and my failures and disasters actually endear me to him even more. He wants to know me totally, and the more I show him, the more he loves. I do the psychic work of changing, but I do it with him as my witness and companion.
I, on the other hand, am a loser lover. I want to help people change and improve themselves, often more than I want to love them. What could my friendships, my marriage, my classrooms, be like if I accepted people just as they are? I love you totally and completely, just as you are right now. If you'd like to come along with me and learn, explore, and change, you can. If you don't, you won't get an A in my class, and your life probably won't be all it could be, but I'll still love you totally.
I want to have so I can give, and also just so I can have. I want to receive God's love, my friends' love, and my husband's love, and really believe that I am OK, loved as I am. I won't become a better lover by criticizing myself and setting an agenda for change. I will love better as I accept my own existence with compassion. In fact, just writing this makes me realize that the snow outside my window is glittering in the sun, my belly is bigger than it was last week, and it's OK if I just leave the cat puke on the floor until one of them eats it.
19 Comments:
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Your NAEGSA co-chair is inspired, Jenell. Sometimes, I get far too caught up in the gospel of endless transformation, both for myself and everyone around me. It tires me out, and I suspect it puts people off.
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I'm endlessly drawn to the topic of this post...to the magic that deep acceptance (of self and by others) seems like it can work, and to the more natural (?) approach to change that it seems like all of us take (i.e. try by gentle or not-so-gentle means to whip ourselves/others into shape). Thanks for naming more here. I mused on the topic in a post on (un)veilings called "Fear and Change.
Hey - in reading your comments about Buffalo in a recent post, I got to thinking...were you at a Younger Leaders gathering outside of Buffalo in - when was that? - summer of '98? (apologies if you have no idea what I'm talking about) My husband and I were there. I was sick, so was uncharacteristically anti-social. But I thought I remembered a Jenell that was just finishing up a doctorate. Was that you? VERY small world! (if it was :) -
This is so reflective of where I've been in the last several months. This enneagram business has had me thinking about the ways I am completely driven by the need to be loved without limits or expectations. I find that I can't really accept God's love for me because I assume there are strings attached. I have wonderful people in my life who love me deeply and I am grateful for them. Still, I live in fear that the more they know me, the less of that love they will have for me. If you come up with a way to fix this, please let me know.
By
, at 1:19 PM
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Carla and Jenell,
Over three years ago for New Year's I prayed, "Lord teach me what love is," and I've been getting the answer to that ever since. I learned in the past year that allowing people to see what I consider the worst in me is to allow people th eopportunity to love me for who I am--and they can only do that when I allow them to see it all. And the freedom in that is more than I hoped for. I've also gotten burned from doing that and having someone use those things against me. But even in that I've learned what love is--and what it is not. And although it hurts for awhile it's good to know who to trust and who to let go.By
Solomon's Girl, at 6:16 PM
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I, also, have thought a lot about this subject lately. I've recently become obsessed with Sex and the City and am fascinated by the relationships between the four women. They are so different and have blatantly opposing view of life and femininity, but allow one another to be that way. It's the most freedom to openly be the best and worst of oneself that I think I've ever observed. I've longed for relationships like these (also in "The Red Tent") but I just don't know how to live it out. I'm much too protective of my inner workings and am afraid to venture out. Props to Anna for having the courage to let it all hang out.
By
, at 4:21 PM
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Thank you for sharing this Jenell. Your comments did something to steer my heart a little bit back on course today.
-DanBy
Danny Stratford!, at 9:05 AM
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I think it’s easy to say I have the love of this person or that person, I think it’s harder to say that I really know this person or that person loves me. My lack of acceptance (not low self-esteem) of who I am and being comfortable with whom and what I am doesn’t allow me to be truly loved by other people. Sometimes, I really hate that I’m so anal retentive about life and on those days it’s hard for me to accept that anyone else really cares and loves that about me.
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That reminds me of a story my wife tells about a guy she was dating in college- he told her he could really like her a lot if she would just change a couple things about herself- to which she eagerly replied, "what are they?"
Relationships are the hardest part of life. I've got a dear friend who recently broke up with a guy 'cause as it turns out, he's a jerk. And it hurts her, and it hurts me to see her hurt.
I struggle a lot with not doing things that I think other people want me to do. I know that I am totally accepted and loved by God, but I keep trying to get acceptance by people around me. And while they are important, it's God's opinion that counts- first, last, and everywhere in between.
Now if I could just get more of that message to drift down from my head and settle in my heart... -
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Iza Firewall, at 3:47 PM
11 Comments:
Jenell, I haven't had the experience of loss you've had, but you've put words to my own issues with prayer. I don't feel like I have the right to have such thoughts, since nothing traumatic has ever happened to me of significance. But my theology and my prayer life reflects the sure to come loss that we all face, and with it, the same kinds of sentiments you've again eloquently expressed. You are so loved.
By
Jimmy, at 8:55 PM
I echo Jimmy's comments as well. Beautiful post. You bless and amaze.
By
Rachie Rach and the Funky Bunch, at 10:16 PM
Jenell,
One of the things that our monastic sisters and brothers have impressed upon me with their tradition of praying the hours is that when you are unable to pray, other people will do your praying for you. We'll all stand in the gap for you if you can't do it; I don't fully understand the depths of your gratitude in this situation, but I can try to imagine it and hold you - and the babes - in the light. Thanks for all you give us in your writing.
By
Janie Wilkerson, at 10:57 PM
"I pray because I have to, not because I understand it. I’m going to thank God for the good stuff, and not blame Him for the bad stuff. Whether or not it adds up, that’s a theology for the kind of life I want to live." Yes, yes, yes!
By
Kristin, at 12:37 AM
Love, forgiveness, prayer...these things do not add up for me. Like the sun on a brisk March Minnesota day--you feel the heat on one side of you face and on the other you are ice cold. I cannot put relationships with God and people into boxes anymore, and I am left holding them in my hands not knowing what to do with them quite yet. But like you said, Jenell, given the alternative, this is more of the theology I want.
By
Solomon's Girl, at 1:31 PM
Jenell - facing immanent loss myself on a much less disturbing level than you have, i'm so thankful to know now that i am not the only one who has reasoned similarly and not been struck with lightening. i'm so glad you write.
By
simon, at 3:04 PM
Repeating all the praise that's already here; Jenell, a great post. I'm glad everything is on track for all of you!
By
Hugo, at 5:38 PM
I am so glad things are well for you, James and your babies. How do I pray for you all? Usually I pray that God takes care of you and your babies, and that you know you are loved by Him always.
I heard this once, and it often comes to the surface of my mind:
"Sacred is the prayer that asks for nothing, but simply gives thanks for every breath we take."
Don't know if that helps at all.
Rachel and I miss you guys.
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