Tuesday, August 30, 2005
1. Number of books you have owned: many, many
2. Last book I bought: Cover and Bake (casserole cookbook from Cook's Illustrated), and Clean House, Clean Planet
3. Last book I completed: Into the Promised Land: Beyond the Lesbian Struggle (Jeannette Howard)
4. Five (or so) books that mean a lot to me:
Henri Nouwen, The Inner Voice of Love
The Gospel in a Pluralistic Society by Lesslie Newbigin
Deepak Chopra, Ageless Body, Timeless Mind
The Power of Now, Eckhart Tolle
A Grief Observed, C.S. Lewis
The Relaxation Response
4b. What are you currently reading?
The Christian Century, Natural Mothering, Christianity Today, Star, and drafts of my own writing.
4c. What do you wish you'd get around to reading? a book.
Question for you - what are you currently reading?
Tuesday, August 23, 2005
Does anyone know what the structure of the monastic day is called? There's some word or phrase for the 24-hour schedule. I need it for an essay, but there won't be any footnotes. Your acclaim will be limited to the comments section here.
And thank you, thank you for all your advice. It would take too long to process it all in writing, but I take it all in and think about it. I've decided to keep feeding the boys every three hours, letting htem go longer during hte night if they want to. Other than that, they can do as they please. Be awake, sleep, whenever and wherever (bouncy seat, car seat, crib, couch, exercise wheel, backyard, in a tree...). I've also decided to return Babywise to the library, and I should probably delete any mention of it so no one but you knows I ever read it. I do need to schedule a bit, but why did I have to go to the most offensive possible source? Oh well - I still listen to KTIS, too.
So much is a mental game. I had geared up in my mind for doing round-the-clock feedings for 9 or 10 weeks. They're 10.5 weeks, and still need it. Their preemie factor adds a potential 6 wks onto any developmental chart. I'm just wrapping my mind around the fact that I need to keep sleeping in 2-hour chunks for a good while still. If I believe I can do it, then I can. Now that's a break from KTIS and Ezzo - more along the lines of Robert Schuller-type thinking.
8 Comments:
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The hours?
By
, at 7:23 AM
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indeed, you can't let yourself think about sleeping all night. I still don't allow myself to think that this might be the night I get to fall asleep and stay asleep. One day at a time. And I hate to be the one to say this, but you will never sleep like you used to. I used to be able to sleep for 14 hours at a pop if time allowed. Now, even if I can sleep in, I can't because deep in my heart I know that someone needs me and I should get up. Yes, it sucks.
Ask Tony about the monastic day. He knows everything.By
, at 12:46 PM
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"...deep in my heart I know someone needs me..."
Maybe Two's like that kind of thing, but not me. The thought restricts my breathing!
One day at a time will be enough for me. -
Loved your comments in the Christianity Today article. How impressed I was by my famous friend! :)
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The Liturgy of the Hours, according to the monks at the Abbey of Gethsemani in Bardstown, KY.
http://www.monks.org/monksday.html -
I used BW with my first two, and ditched it for #3 and #4. Honestly, babyhood was better without it.
However, ditching BW does not mean going for a free-for-all, random day! I still had rhythm and routine. I just didn't tie the rhythm to parent-directed eating and sleeping times.
And you'll find that your little one develops their own routine in time. If you watch their hunger and sleepy cues, and respond to those, in time a pattern will emerge. Most babies settle into a regular routine, even without prompting, around 3 months or so.
You may find some encouragement from the book "The No-Cry Sleep Solution." Also, this is a good article on establishing routine without Babywise.
I hope this is encouraging to you. -
Pete, you're right. I was looking for "the daily office", which Tony Jones reminded me of. They're both right.
And do I know TulipGirl? Either way, welcome! -
I am totally nude come see me. Take a bit for all pics and movies to load.
Why do I do this I like to make men blow their jiz in their pants.
Visit me.裸体
Sunday, August 21, 2005
The book says that baby needs to sleep on his own, without props. The book says baby will cry from 5-35 minutes when you start this plan. The book says baby won’t cry anymore after 3-5 days. I’m somewhat embarrassed to say that the book is Babywise, because Ezzo seems to be more or less an Azzhole and I had once said I would never read his books because they are Christian, patriarchal, and authoratarian. That's still all true in my opinion, but his is one approach to scheduling, however, which is essential with multiples.
There is nothing in the book about crying beyond 35 minutes. Not a word. Nothing about twins whose behaviors are divergent, either. When my baby’s behaviors didn’t fit the book, I first questioned my baby! And then myself. Something must be wrong with Ollie, or with me, because things aren’t going according to the book.
A friend of mine followed The Continuum Concept (the opposite philosophy) to the letter. She said, after a different set of frustrations, that she was too bound to the book, and regretted subjecting her now 2-year-old to a set of criteria external to their relationship. With her next baby, she vowed to develop and then live from her relationship with her baby, regardless of how it looks according to attachment parenting philosophy. That, as well as comments to my other post (Lisa’s in particular) helped me remember that what is most real here is me and my family. Not a book or a philosophy. My gut tells me that I need to feed on a schedule, be flexible with sleep, and try getting Ollie to sleep using any means necessary (well, maybe not the exercise wheel). Keep feeding frequently during the day, in hopes of achieving one longer stretch at night. Keep some of Ezzo’s stuff, and let some other stuff go.
What might my reading of Babywise mean for my relationship with The Good Book? I’ve followed the Bible slavishly, insisting that things in it are true, even when they don’t ring true to my experience, or I just haven’t experienced them yet. I’ve followed my understanding of its morality, ignoring the counterevidence (or confirmation, for that matter) of my gut. I’ve listened more to my reading of the Bible than to the stories of the real people in my life. What if my relationship with God were the real deal, instead of my understanding of the Bible? Might my spirituality be more flexible and adaptable to life as I encounter it? Might it also be less explanatory, and perhaps more idiosyncratic and mystical?
I don’t think it’s right to pick and choose from Scripture, the way I’m picking and choosing from Ezzo. But just as a mother can trust a text instead of her heart, and focus more on the coherence of a philosophy than the idiosyncrasy of her baby, so can we tend to worship the Bible instead of the God to whom it refers, and focus more on achieving theological coherence than on living the life of faith.
10 Comments:
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http://www.mothering.com/articles/new_baby/sleep/fleiss.html
Hope this is helpful...By
, at 1:33 AM
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I used the 'Growing kids God's way' baby manual which has more of the Christian jargon than 'Babywise' but the same practical content. I used it strictly with our first baby as I had no experience caring for a baby at that time and I thought the book was great for telling me what I should be doing and when. I was bound to the book which I think in hind sight was wrong. I did what the book said instead of using my own judgement in many situations. One of my girlfriends did too and when her daughter got sick she lost a lot of weight because my friend stuck to the book and did not make allowance for illness.With our second our methods were moderated and we did pick and choose from Ezzo's ideas and principles. We did the same with our third. Each of our kids slept through the night by 6 to 8 weeks of age. Our oldest is now 8 and our youngest is 15 months. I don't know how it would have gone with twins but maybe some of Ezzo will be beneficial. Does he sleep in the bouncy thing or when his head is elevated?
By
, at 11:31 PM
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The book we were unhealthily fixated on was The Baby Whisperer. Just as every baby is different, every parent's reading habits are different. The parents who get lucky and match the correct book to the correct baby go on to insist that everyone read said book. I think those of us who aren't so lucky might actually be luckier...we realize that the babies tell you what they need; the books at best assist you in interpreting.
For most of the first year, the only way Toby would fall asleep was while nursing. This didn't make him more clingy and dependent, as some books say, but actually more independent and confident (as some books say). Tough solution for you to implement, obviously; I only want to second the motion to go with what works.By
Josh Fuller, at 1:17 PM
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Baby Whisperer and Babywise are very similar - we actually talk more in terms of BWhisp. I agree - some books are better suited to parent/child/family than others. I have to have at least a bit of organization in order to feel sane. But increasingly, my two babies are different from each other, so I need to find/make ways to accomodate each of them, as well as myself. I'm going with my gut at the moment, just watching them for a few days and letting them do whatever they want (in terms of when to eat and sleep).
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Jenell,
I am not necessarily an expert on these subjects, however, it was extremely important to me that my children went to sleep without excessive stimulation (Rocking, patting, bouncy seat, nursing, etc...)
What I found was that sleep position was the key. Eva screamed on her back and would never relax. I made the personal decision to disregard the back sleeping thing and I put her on her stomach. It was a miracle. Now, I am not saying that this is the key for you or that you should disregard your doctor's advice (who probably advises back sleeping), but that is what worked for me.
Whenever I put Eva down for a nap (this is true even now) she lays in her "position" and knows it is time to go to sleep.
I can't imagine how exhausting the sleep pattern thing must be for you. You are an amazing mother, I know it. Don't deny the power of your own personal instincts and your gut. No book has ever been written about Oliver and Wesley Paris and their particular needs and personalities. You are the only one writing their story.
love,
Rachel -
I really appreciate the dots you're connecting here between experiences with different books (baby/Bible). They make me wonder...from where does the obligation actually come to take every bit of the Bible as God's truth? If life is messy, and God isn't in the business of straightening it all clearly out, I guess it's becoming more and more strange to me to assume God WAS in that business when it came to getting all the writers and compilers of the Bible to get The Story right.
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Hi Jenell, I'm Katie's big sister in WI. I've been reading your blog and like it a lot. Katie told me I should read your recent posts and "answer your questions." While I appreciate her vote of confidence, I don't have much to add to what's already been said! I think your conclusion to keep the feedings scheduled but let the sleeping happen is good. And I agree particularly with Rachel and Josh's comments. So anyway, don't have much help, just a hello and please keep blogging - you're great at it.
By
, at 6:33 PM
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for whatever it's worth, i picked a couple of things from babywise which i will swear by - but i agree ezzo is an azzhole.. more rules than god... yikes!
the couple things i kept were 'wake/feed' instead of feeding your child to sleep - healthy happy babies once they realize they need to settle themselves - and much more fit physically - i had a lot of fear of overfeeding my kids because it was done to me, and this helped so much - keep your schedule and enjoy the freedom.
the other thing is teaching your child to self settle - my kids are 7 & 9 now and they have always slept in their own beds, we tuck them in at night, and they have slept through the night (barring illness) their whole lives.
too many parents don't realize that you have to teach a child to sleep too - just because exhaustion will put a child to sleep doesn't mean there aren't skills to learn.
it will kill you to listen to them cry - but following the incremental times, sitting at the nursery door almost kills you - but knowing their cries (also a learned skill for parents - each cry is different - fear, anger, lonliness, dirty diaper, hunger - all different) will allow you to peacefully (and not so peacefully) wait it out.
both slept through the night by 8 weeks - and it preserved my sanity.
i also appreciated the advice to not make the child the dead center of the family - but a member of the family. it really helped too - too many children rule the roost and they know it until they leave.
just my 2 cents - (oh, and i also slept my kids on their tummies with no loose toys or blankets in the crib - they never wanted to sleep on their backs - i know i broke the rules, but we have no smoking and no pets - so i knew the air was clean as long as they weren't overheated with loose blankets they were fine. -
It's probably too late for this post, but I'd highly recommend Why Love Matters: How Affection Shapes a Baby's Brain by Sue Gerhardt.
It's been really interesting to my wife and I as we raise our 1.5 year-old. It presents a lot of the latest research on infants in a way that is very accessible.
One of the really interesting results is that holding babies actually contributes to positive brain development. Without being militant, it provides a scientific justification for a lot of the thought behind attachment theory-based parenting. -
Hello, just visited your bible blog, I also have a bible related website, it's about some books which is helpful to understand the God's Words
Friday, August 19, 2005
How do you order the day of a two-month old? Something isn't working here. I've been feeding every three hours, and trying to follow each feeding with wake time, then nap. But when I put Oliver in the crib to sleep, he howls. If I let him cry it out, it can last over 90 minutes, until he exhausts himself and falls asleep. I think he wants to fall asleep with stimulation (bouncy seat, a walk, or swing). The problem with this is that I can't maintain stimulation-inducing sleep for two babies. I want them to fall asleep in the crib without props. The other problem is that I can't sleep when he's crying, so that's less sleep for me, too. Today I'm running on four hours sleep, two cups of coffee, a diet Coke, and some anger that is unrelated to this situation.
I have to feed them on a schedule - that's non-negotiable. If I feed on-demand, then I'm feeding every 45 minutes and my milk supply gets messed up. They're fed every three hours during the day, and then they can go as long as they want at night (about 3 hours then, too).
What's your opinion?
Should I let them fall asleep in the bouncy seat or wherever they want to sleep?
Should I let them fall asleep whenever they want, or schedule naps?
Please advise. If you have experience with babies, or were a baby, or are an attentive pet owner, or if you just have opinions about things, pipe up.
Sabbatical notes:
wrote draft of essay on spiritual disciplines.
brainstormed some fantastic sentences that I forgot to write down.
10 Comments:
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Maybe you should take your problems to a twin baby discussion board. You know where they are.
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hey jenell,
i used to let duke fall asleep in his bouncy seat or even sometimes his car seat. he felt comfortable and snuggly (i think - but he didn't tell me that, it's just what i gathered). also, my little man ended up having a nice case of acid reflux that made sleeping on an incline easier for him.
all kids are different and you have a wonderful mother instinct - you will know what's best and i'm sure as your sleep-deprived-coma continues, you will make choices that maybe at one time you weren't comfy with, but now, they are wonderful. such as, duke slept in his bouncy seat until he was 6 months (not recommended by dr.'s, but worked for us)!
lisa
p.s. future advice: when you are trimming your kids' hair as they grow older, you may want make sure that you don't trim too much --- so then the hair has to turn into a mohawk because it is so short elsewhere (i speak from experience on this one).
:) -
Matilde feels strongly that the boys ought to sleep wherever they want, and you ought to grab every available moment to relax, if possible, even if no schedule is available.
She has been known to sleep on her exercise wheel, and we've come to accept it. -
Benadryl.
By
, at 12:02 PM
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I agree--you'll have time later to get them to settle in on their own. We're still working on getting Maddie to fall asleep on her own and she's 5 months. Emily and Isaac were about 4 months when they started to attach to a comfort object that helped them fall asleep in the crib. But all three of them have needed to be held and rocked and bounced and driven around in order to fall asleep during the first four months. Try not to think of it as having two months to go but rather that you are halfway there!
By
, at 12:04 PM
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My friends found that swaddling worked wonders for their beastie. They'd swaddle her and then hold her while bouncing on one of those big exercise balls till she fell asleep. Then they'd slip her into the crib. They did that for about six months. I'll warn you, it was a full year of inconsecutive 4 hours of of sleep for mama. Sleep deprivation comes with the package I guess...
By
, at 12:23 PM
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It's really not that hard, Jenell. Simply let them outside when they scratch at the back door and bark.
Colleen w.By
, at 3:26 PM
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i'm with matilde. :)
i don't think scheduling is that realistic for babies younger than 3 or 4 months unless they were born with a natural tendency about such things. some kids are wired from birth for rhythm and other kids make up their own as they go along. i think the name of the game for the first few months is to sleep/rest as much as you can (and definitely whenever the babies are asleep night or day); to do the best you can to get your milk supply well established; to stay emotionally tuned in to yourself and the babies (rest and baby gazing/holding helps this). all easier said than done, of course! but you sound like you're well on your way. :)
it will be much, much easier to get them on a schedule (or get them to sleep in a regular, predictable place) when they are a little bit bigger. this phase will pass very quickly. i think babies have an emotional life that is centered around the mother, at least when they are this new, so all the crying is really just their way of getting back to you, since you are their safest person, the one whose rhythms, voice, heartbeat and warmth they know and trust the most.
the trick is to just stay full enough emotionally yourself during this high need time until they get a little bigger and their developmental tasks shift and you aren't the sum total of their every moment. it's hard, but it will pay off in your bonding and trust levels. for what it's worth!!!By
, at 11:16 PM
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Hi jenell, multiples I have none, children I have many. i agree with the majority. hekp him get comfortable with whatever works. it is a difficult time but i believe in strong attachment (adopting two children with attachment disorder) but not necessarily "family bed" and the like. i am sure in time you and james will find a balance and rhythm with the four of you. ollie may be more needy now.
on a side note, have you tried any hmeopathics for colic, digestion, etc? i'd be happy to chat with you about them and other alternatives.
shelleyBy
, at 12:49 AM
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sorry, i left the last comment not realizing you had your babies already - congratulations - sorry, i lost track of your blog.
disregard all of my 'know it all' comments - i am not worthy to advise you great mother of twins - i can't even imagine what you are going through!
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
I’d like to start blogging again, but if I fail to do so, that needs to be OK too. Blogging arouses some inner voices that say, “You have to blog regularly,” “No one likes what you’re writing,” “You’re boring, stupid, self-absorbed, and have poor grammar,” and so on. I like to keep in touch with my friends by blogging, and they seem to like it. And they don’t actually launch any of the criticisms that I hear inside my head. So if you like me or like the blog, keep reading. If not, move on to a better one.
This academic year is my first sabbatical. I’ve devoted it to becoming a better writer. Blogging has a good laxative effect on my writing – gets it going properly. I want to use the blog to document what I’m doing related to the sabbatical, mostly for my own records. I want to write for broader audiences, and write with more skill, but mostly, I just want to do it.
I also want to write about my life, which for better and for worse is entirely about mothering. I feed my two wee beasties every three hours – that usually comes to 12 nursings and 4 bottles each day. So for now that's life - it’s all about milk, digestion, crying, and sleep. I’m interested to see whether and how my mind expands to take in the world around me this year. Blogging will help me see how that happens. Infertility, depression, pregnancy, and grief all made me turn inward, and that’s been where my life has been focused for nearly four years. Motherhood seems more like a blossoming out from myself to these two lives, and then to the world in which they are growing up.
So, to begin-
Sabbatical goals for next few weeks.
- finish reviewing three essays for Christian Scholar’s Review (a journal for which I serve as a section editor).
- Finish reading, and start writing, an essay on lesbian motherhood (solicited by a magazine editor). This essay has, so far, been yet another example of why I will never make a living as a writer. I’ve been researching and talking about lesbian motherhood since last November. That’s almost ten months of off-and-on research and brainstorming, and the article will probably pay less than $200. I generally make $1/hour or less for things I write. Usually less.
Blog efforts.
- Update links.
4 Comments:
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It will take an act of God for you to start writing badly. Even when you're "boring, stupid, self-absorbed, and have poor grammar" (and I haven't seen any of that in the year and a half I've been reading your blog), you are insightful, fresh, witty, and honest- sometimes painfully honest. And that more than anything else keeps me coming back. You may not be Nathanael, but your openess is powerful.
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i am happy to see you back!
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I like you and your blog! (We're all our own worst critics, aren't we?) Glad to see you back, even part-time. Cuddle the wee beasties for me! :)
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Yay! Calloo! Callay!
Wednesday, August 10, 2005
Opal in her favorite blue bed that I sewed for her.
1 Comments:
I'm 33 today. So far, my only gift is money from my mom that I used to buy Clean House, Clean Planet on amazon. A card came from the realtor who sold us this house. And James said "Happy birthday" before he left for work. I'm sure Wesley and Oliver are planning some surprise "gifts", like a spray of urine in my face or spit-up on my shoulder.
It's a sad birthday because we're going to put down Opal. She is suffering and near death, and it is clearly more compassionate to help her die than to let her continue like this. I'm extremely sad about it. I wrote her a eulogy that I'll post here.
Eulogy for Opal
Opal, you weren’t really a very good pet, but I loved you dearly. Thank you for letting me take care of you.
Your flaws were many. You came to us from the Humane Society with a gunky eye infection that has recurred many times. You were a scaredy cat, afraid of James and refusing most of his affectionate advances. You acted jittery and afraid when we were alone, and then came out and rolled on the floor like a normal cat when guests were over. You peed on many of our possessions. You had a bad personality.
I loved you wholly, flaws and all. You were my pet during the hardest years of my life. When Ian, Simon, and Gordon died, I bathed you on the day of their memorial service, Sept. 12, 2003. You reminded me that though my children were dead, I could still care for the living. You sat on or near me throughout my pregnancy with Wesley and Oliver. When a homecare nurse came to monitor their heartbeats, you sat on my lap and watched the monitor. When labor began, I labored in the brown recliner for awhile, with you sitting on the arm of the chair. I laid my hand on your back, using your presence to relax through contractions.
I will remember you always with love. When you meet your Creator, I know he will say, "Good cat," and pet you while you purr. And though you are gone from us, the scent of you lingers in the front hallway.
6 Comments:
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Happy Happy Birthday to you! I am sad that this day will represent the loss of your cat, but hopeful you will realize how many love you and celebrate the 33 years you have been on this earth!!
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My thoughts & love are with you today.
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The loss of a pet, even a less than angelic one, is still a loss, and I am sorry for it. Even when you have felt perplexed in it, you have still loved her well, and she knows it.
Dana AmesBy
, at 6:09 PM
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Your eulogy made me cry. I loved it.
May year 33 be full to the brim for you with good things. -
Happy belated, Jenell.
A very touching, wry eulogy. Thanks. -
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, at 4:11 PM
3 Comments:
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