Wednesday, November 30, 2005
New evening schedule is that the boys eat at 7 and go to bed, then I wake them up at 10 to eat again, and then I go to bed. Then we're all up at 4 or 5 to eat. Somehow getting up at 4 or 5 is not as bad as 2 or 3, which is what it would be if I didn't get them up at 10. Scheduling nursing for twins creates constant mental dialogue like this: if we eat at 10, 1, and 4, then that means I can go grocery shopping at 8, but if I push them back to 9:45, 12:30, and ...... it's terrible. I should just keep it in my mind and not share.
So, while waiting for the 10 pm feeding, I managed to get my blogroll posted over in my sidebar. Wonderful! I probably lost some links, so if you're one of them, let me know.
And it's 10:19. What priorities - my babies may be hungry, but at least I got my blog fixed up.
3 Comments:
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I have always felt like the hardest part of the first year is the eating issue. The mental clock never stops and it basically controls your day even if you do demand feeding because you still have to figure out "Is she crying because she's hungry? Let's see, it's 2:30 now and I fed her at 1, so that's an hour and a half. But I have to go to the store today, so if I don't feed her now, she will need to eat then and that will be a hassle. I remember the amazing feeling the first time we left Emily with my parents for three days. It took abut two days to realize we could do what we wanted when we wanted because no one would need a nap or have to eat at noon.
By
, at 9:42 AM
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Amen to Carla AND to you! I'm half-way in between the demand schedule and the timed schedule now, so I've got both things going on in my head. Same with naptime issues. I still have the greatest admiration for what you're doing with TWO, Jenell.
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Thanks for including me in your blogroll...that was nice!
Some time ago, two White Evangelical Men invited me to be part of a scholarly project that involves numerous scholars analyzing a common set of data. I won't write specifics, because it will eventually be a book, and they might not want it discussed before publication. I proposed an analysis based on gender, looking at how love and sex have been misplayed in this area of Christendom. The Men said that of all the proposals, mine was rather critical and potentially wouldn't work out if I seemed to be disdainful of this certain area of Christian life. Then I never heard from the Men--or shall I say White Men--again.
So, after analyzing 100 pages of data, I threw away the data and my notes, but kept one typed summary page. I shared with my husband--An Exception to My Generalizations About White Evangelical Men--the specifics of my persecution. This project is supposedly academic, but really just an affirmation and candy-coated treatment of evangelicalism. I was only invited on to the project as a token woman, and there probably aren't any other women involved. I could contact them about my exclusion, but why waste time and effort creating niceties about it all? These men just can't handle the truth about gender in the church, and want prophetic women's voices to be silenced. This is a pervasive issues with my writings that are rejected for publication. I am so ahead of my time -- so genius, even -- that my work is suppressed. I will become famous after death.
Then I received an e-mail a few days ago reminding me (and the other contributors, of which several are women) of the late December deadline on this project. I thought their silence meant that my exclusion was implicit, but in fact, they assumed I was on board and working away. Now I need to re-analyze a hundred pages of data and write a twenty-page paper by Christmas. Where are those "purchase a term paper" websites?
Sometimes it feels good to be wrong.
3 Comments:
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You got me very curious of what you are actually talking about in the midst of all your riddle and rhyme.
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Congratulations on being wrong. I have to write a 20 page paper in the next 13 hours. So what am I doing? That's right, checking my blogs. At least my paper isn't going to be in any book (at least not any time soon), so the standard is a little lower...
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oh this post makes me laugh! are we twins separated at birth? if you get stuck, i'll happily make up some pages for you. i know that data by heart. :)
By
, at 10:29 PM
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
I hope it's not too forward, but if you're interested, you could check out this link . It's about how friends and family can be supportive of a preemie, and there's also good info about prematurity in general. Prematurity and hospital care is an alternate universe where time and energy flow differently than they do on the outside.
How wonderful that Alicia is doing so well in her first 24 hours of life in the outerutero world. She is already blessing me by bringing back memories -- both happy and sad -- of all of my children, and by giving me occasion to pray for her and rejoice for her.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Does anyone want to sell me a used snowblower?
Does anyone from church lay carpet or tile (or do you know anyone good who does)?
Does anyone want a $10 off purchase of $35 or more coupon from Bath & Body Works? Expires 12/16. I'll mail it to you if you want it.
I just bought James an awesome Christmas present, but he reads this sometimes, so i can't say what it is.
3 Comments:
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Hanna does mosaic tiling (and it's beautiful!), so I imagine she can do regular tile work, too.
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It'd be funny, though, if all these WERE related to each other.
Right now I can you blowing the the snow off of the carpet in your bathroom...hmm, not sure how to fit the cool present in, though. -
my doug, otherwise known as doug a as opposed to the right rev. pagitt, does tile, and i've seen his work; it's good. let me know if you want his info.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
I do have boundaries, and communicate very clearly with "I" statements, in most settings. Well, in all settings except for my family of origin. It seems that my options are to be psychologically correct and alone, or compromise psychological health for the sake of staying in relationships. I've insisted on psychological correctness standards from people who have no experience with or interest in modern notions of psychological health. During those years of insistence, I lived independent and far from family, in every sense of the word "far." In coming close again, I compromise all the time. Today, I'd rather do the hem than have people mad at me at Thanksgiving. I know it would be correct to set my boundaries, communicate them clearly, and let the chips fall where they may. But being right doesn't necessarily make me happy, nor anyone else. Part of being healthy is choosing when to be unhealthy, don't you think? That's probably dumb.
I'm probably going to take this and the other post down in a day, also. Feels sort of unwise to have it up.
3 Comments:
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"In coming close again, I compromise all the time."
One of my jobs as a man has been to realize how many ways I find myself asking wives, sisters, mothers, aunts, cousins, and other women in my life to make all sorts of compromises small and large as a consequence of being close to me.
Humbling. -
Jenell-
I don't sew, but boy does this sound familiar. For me it is pressure to join in a family members multi-level marketing "home business" --- who in the heck doesn't want to work from home for cripes sake!?!?!? Not me if it means bugging my friends to buy vitamins. Blah. Sometimes I think it would be easier to bug all my friends to buy my products than it is to tell my mom I don't want to sell them. Family dynamics suck. -
Absolutely. I hope you took my previous comment as tongue in cheek. I certainly don't think it's an easy issue, and I don't consider myself all that qualified to hand out advice on dealing with people.
By
Josh Fuller, at 1:17 PM
Sunday, November 20, 2005
Me: First off, your “job description” of a stay-at-home mother is sort of pie-in-the-sky, given that over 70% of American women work. Don’t stay-at-home moms have it easy?
Myself: True, most American mothers work. The job I described then becomes their “second shift.” They work all day at a wage-paying job, then come home to their second shift of household work. Even when both partners work, women will do more of the household work, and almost all of the childcare.
Me: What about yourself? I thought you longed for children, and now it sounds like you’re complaining about it. And is your husband really as lame as the job description implies?
Myself: That’s a tough question. When a woman raises a feminist point, the tendency is to personalize the issue as a way of delegitimizing her point. I’m trapped by your question, Jenell. If I say, no, these things aren’t problems for me because I am empowered and my husband is wonderful, then you can say that other women just need to get their shit together, and then they won’t suffer. If I say, yes, my life is very difficult and my husband is a lame ass, then you can write off my entire argument as merely my personal problem. Just like if I start talking about homosexuality…
Me: Then you might be a lesbian?
Myself: Exactly. Questioning the speaker is a way of maintaining taboo, and of minimizing the issues. Create a strong enough punishment for speaking the truth, and most people will be silenced.
Me: But isn’t it true that, for all the hard work, women should be grateful that they get to be with their children?
Myself: In the worst of my recent years, if you had told me that I could have a family if I would just allow a dog to rip up my face, I would have done it. And it would have been worth it. But that wouldn’t make it right. The same is said of unions when they strike – if they really wanted their jobs, they wouldn’t jeopardize them. How hard off can they be, if they’re able to strike and spend time complaining? Of course, union workers want their jobs, but they also want their health and dignity.
Me: Were you trying to be funny with that post?
Myself: No. Stay-at-home-motherhood (actually, mothering while on sabbatical) has put me in a new social role from which I can see how the work of mothers is undervalued and undersupported. Families of the world, unite: universal health care, affordable childcare, and egalitarian marriages for all.
5 Comments:
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Dear Dr. Paris,
I read your recent interview and I wanted to tell you that I had this very same experience when I did media rounds for my book, "The Myth of the Perfect Mother." I found that people either embraced the ideas presented or dismissed them as the personal problems of, I believe it was, an "unhappy" mother. One large evangelical organization located in the Colorado Springs area decided not to deal with the issues mothers face after their review board read the introduction--the INTRODUCTION!
I commend you for your willingness to say what always needs saying and for being a beacon of hope and light to mothers everywhere.
Sincerely,
Carla Barnhill
author
"The Myth of the Perfect Mother" (Baker Books, 2004).By
, at 10:53 AM
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Jenell, since Friday I've almost regretted linking to your post, because quoting excerpts out of context, however well-intentioned, robs the post of its larger power. I apologize for that, and for suggesting to those who responded at my place that it was satire.
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Jenell, these two parts deserve to be an article in some publication.
Carla, thank you too.
Dana AmesBy
, at 8:14 PM
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break out the naomi wolf!! did you read misconceptions yet???
By
, at 8:42 AM
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Can I ask a possibly asinine question, from a childless male's perspective?
What's the husband of an egalitarian minded wife supposed to do with this information? Notice that my question is rather masculine ("do with" as opposed to "process" or "validate"). Or perhaps I've just made a sexist observation and hence not very egalitarian.
But seriously, as a guy who one day wants to marry a liberated, empowered, employed chick... and have kids, how do I practically fulfill my egalitarian duty?
And for that matter, what's so bad about a guileless complimentarian take on marriage?
Friday, November 18, 2005
Position summary: provide childcare and household management for one home. Position is expected to be long-term and full-time with regular overtime opportunities.
Hours: All hours, with husband help in evening hours and some weekends. Overtime on major holidays, with the exception of Mother’s Day.
Location: Work from home! May work in pajamas, no need to punch clock. Must clean and repair own workspace.
Physical requirements: Must be able to lift fifty pounds, bend, work on knees, reach under and over things. Preferably should be of attractive height-weight ratio.
Training and experience: No experience necessary; no training provided. You may solicit training through personal networks, books, on-line support, or seek information from professionals such as counselors or doctors. Unfortunately, we do not at this time have any resources to support such training. We hope funds may become available in the next budget year.
Support staff. If you are unable to complete your duties, you may develop your own support staff. First, solicit help from siblings, parents, and in-laws. Next, create co-ops with others of your profession. Last, turn to paid help. You may pay for childcare, housecleaning, or grocery delivery, but only as discretionary funds are available, and you must do so with an apologetic attitude and regular admissions of personal incapacity. Support staff must be temporary.
Pay: Attaching monetary value to household work would be an insult, because caring for children is its own inestimable reward. Like a missionary, you must attach yourself to someone(s) of means in order to guarantee your own survival and that of your children. Because, like a missionary, your work is extremely valuable to God, we trust that He will make a way for you.
We promise occasional adoration from children, semi-annual luxury gifts (flowers or candy of reasonable cost), a personal sense of finally being worth something, and the priceless knowledge that you are raising the next generation. As your children grow older, you will also receive ceramic ash trays, decorated pieces of paper, Popsicle stick boxes, and dinosaur dioramas. If you find martyrdom, self-righteousness, or license to be bitchy to be rewarding, you may have those, as well.
Responsibilities:
1. Childcare. Plan, purchase, prepare, and serve food. Watch, wipe, and wash asses, noses, and hands. Take primary responsibility for night-time needs. Nurture, and support personal development. Research, make choices, and keep records regarding medical care and upkeep of bodies. Initiate and maintain spiritual care. Lift, carry, cajole, move, transport, and restrain bodies as needed. Provide appropriate play and learning activities. Generate memory-making situations, capture, develop, and creatively present these memories. Purchase, clean, and repair toys. Solicit, arrange, and monitor friendships. Worry. Pray. Hope. Love. Rejoice.
2. Pet care. Same as above.
3. Household management and maintenance. Monitor and replenish supplies proactively, so process appears invisible and automatic. Pay bills, monitor funds, do bank runs, set budgets, facilitate marital board meetings regarding finances (note: exceptions made for reasons of biblical traditionalism). Pick up toys and detritus at least four times per day. Clean surfaces and dishes daily. As needed: clean floors, scrub counters, floors, kill mildew, clean carpets, remove stains, change sheets, clean mattress covers, rotate mattresses, dust, organize storage, and wash windows. Watch laundry piles, do laundry, replenish laundry supplies, fold and put away laundry. Deal with telemarketers. Wait for deliveries. Do household repairs involving screwdrivers, masking tape, or paint, and those you can accomplish using kitchen tools. Decorate. Watch for sales. Clip coupons. Seasonal: garden, snow removal, outdoor maintenance. Husbands and/or contracted workers may be available to help with any of these tasks, but only as time and discretionary funds allow.
4. Kin work. Plan and execute major family holiday gatherings, including food, gifts, invitations, thank-yous, activities, pre-and post-cleaning, and overnight hospitality. Remember birthdays of your own family members and husband family members, sending cards and/or gifts as appropriate. Generate thoughtful ways of maintaining extended family relationships, both for your own and your husband’s kin. For all holidays, purchase, wrap, pack, and mail gifts. Keep eyes open for sales. May forge husband’s signature on cards, or may sign own name “for the family.” Educate and assist children in entering and maintaining family relationships. Generate, express, and maintain excuses for personal, husband’s, and children’s relational gaffs.
5. Marital maintenance. Initiate “us time”, and arrange child care. Help husband remember birthdays and anniversaries. Clearly designate husband tasks (car maintenance and repairs, yard work, garbage, major household repairs), and encourage their completion with affirmations. Enjoy sex. Maintain personal appearance. Encourage husband’s personal and spiritual growth. If desired, arrange husband’s medical appointments, financial matters, and haircuts. If desired, purchase and maintain husband’s clothing. If working under conditions of biblical traditionalism, create appearance that husband has initiated and executed much of this work.
We are an Equal Opportunity Employer. Women and minorities are encouraged to apply.
37 Comments:
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OH MY GOODNESS. I am exhausted just reading this, and yet, in many ways, it is my life!! I always say that if I ever win the lottery, forget yachts and vacations, I am hiring a MAID.
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don't do this to me 3 1/2 months out from my wedding!
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Hmmm...okay, I'll try it on a temporary basis.
By
Josh Fuller, at 1:02 PM
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You are brilliant. The only omission as far as I can see is the part about keeping up with events outside of the household in an effort to counter the impression that you are no longer interesting.
By
, at 4:58 PM
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Brilliant.
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That about pegs it!
Well done. -
Wow, that is hilarious... and yet, overwhelming.
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Have you been stalking me? Scary. I often miss my job at Bethel...!
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Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!
I have a IRA Distribution site. It pretty much covers IRA Distribution related stuff.
Come and check it out if you get time :-) -
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affiliate marketing, at 8:24 AM
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life organization, at 9:12 AM
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Blogger I've enjoyed this on this post and it's been useful for our own project on ##LINK#. Thanks. Anny.
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organize work, at 3:10 PM
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home base business, at 6:37 PM
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affiliate marketing, at 12:07 AM
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Home Business, at 7:23 PM
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wah--573703, at 11:11 PM
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Freedom from a Job, at 7:10 AM
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work at home, at 10:02 AM
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Work at Home, at 3:23 PM
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Sounds like my life as a mother of four. After reading that, it's no wonder I am tired!!
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Work From Home Center, at 6:23 PM
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Regards,By
Making Money, at 1:53 PM
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I thougth I should help some of your readers who may have given up hope...well now there is!
To your success
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CEO - Millennium Empires LLC -
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I never realised how important a good bed was until I got a bad back�.
Over 1,400 members of BackCare, the national organisation for healthy backs, responded to our Back Your Bed survey - the first of its kind to explore the views on beds of those who suffer from bad backs and the experts who treat them.
SUMMARY OF THE BACK YOUR BED SURVEY RESULTS
Buying a good bed is one of the most important purchases you can make when it comes to back pain relief. Nine out of 10 say their bed is more important to them since they developed back pain; 98% agreed that a good, supportive bed could help a bad back. 82% of experts felt that the right bed could help prevent back pain.
"If you cannot rest properly and sleep well, this hinders recovery from back problems."
A firm, supportive bed, not a hard one, can do wonders to ease and even prevent bad backs. Only 22% of sufferers had bought a bed classed as �orthopaedic�; while 28% describe their bed support as �medium�. Only 6% of experts would recommend an orthopaedic bed to patients.
Three quarters would be prepared to spend more than �500 on a new bed: compared with just 36% of the �normal� population. Nearly one in 10 would pay more than �2,000 for a new bed to get the comfort and relief they need.
Back pain sufferers are twice as likely as the rest of the population to own a new bed - 50% have beds that are less than five years old compared to the national average of 24%.
88% are satisfied with their choice � but 16% said they would get a better quality one next time; while 9% would opt for something firmer; 5% said they would choose a softer bed and 4% wanted a bigger one.
Sufferers are three times more likely to replace their beds when they no longer feel comfortable (65% compared with just 20%).
31% own a king size bed compared with 11% generally. Separate mattresses zipped together are also popular with couples whose support needs differ or who are easily disturbed by their partner's movements. top
So worth considering when buying aBy
, at 7:00 PM
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Hello there, I was recently doing a search through blogs for the keyphrase free legitimate work at home jobs. I happened to come across yours even though it wasn't particularly related to what I searched for. I figured I wouldn't mind contributing to your blog by commenting it. I've been quite busy to work on my blog lately but I am interested in topics being generally related to what I search for. I know you may not think this is an appropriate post to your blog, however I would just like to compliment you on your blog and I wish you well in future endeavors with it,
Sincerely,
Mark
if you would like me to stop posting on your blog ill get the message if you turn on word verification for your blogger.com account there are no need for complaints when you could simply use that function.
p.s. I like to take a look at other blogs to get some ideas as to how I am going to form mine. free legitimate work at home jobs is related to my future blog building.By
workfromhome1011, at 5:11 AM
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Hello there, I was recently doing a search through blogs for the keyphrase work at home directory. I happened to come across yours even though it wasn't particularly related to what I searched for. I figured I wouldn't mind contributing to your blog by commenting it. I've been quite busy to work on my blog lately but I am interested in topics being generally related to what I search for. I know you may not think this is an appropriate post to your blog, however I would just like to compliment you on your blog and I wish you well in future endeavors with it,
Sincerely,
Mark
if you would like me to stop posting on your blog ill get the message if you turn on word verification for your blogger.com account there are no need for complaints when you could simply use that function.
p.s. I like to take a look at other blogs to get some ideas as to how I am going to form mine. work at home directory is related to my future blog building.By
, at 5:19 AM
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Hello there, I was recently doing a search through blogs for the keyphrase legit work from home. I happened to come across yours even though it wasn't particularly related to what I searched for. I figured I wouldn't mind contributing to your blog by commenting it. I've been quite busy to work on my blog lately but I am interested in topics being generally related to what I search for. I know you may not think this is an appropriate post to your blog, however I would just like to compliment you on your blog and I wish you well in future endeavors with it,
Sincerely,
Mark
if you would like me to stop posting on your blog ill get the message if you turn on word verification for your blogger.com account there are no need for complaints when you could simply use that function.
p.s. I like to take a look at other blogs to get some ideas as to how I am going to form mine. legit work from home is related to my future blog building.By
, at 3:02 AM
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Hi. Thanks for the insights.
Steve @
OpportunitiesBy
Opportunities, at 7:30 AM
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Life has its up and downs, but winning the lottery would definitely be an up. I've won some prize money playing e-lotto, but haven't won anything big yet. Happy Holidays to all!
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Hi there,
thanks for the great post, I have a blog about free online offers and I think I will apply some of the techniques you wrote here.
Cheers,
Sam
Thursday, November 17, 2005
We gave someone a gift when their baby was born recently - James took the gift over when he went to their house. Now, two weeks later, we are going to a baby shower/open house/everybody-come-visit-party for this family. Do we need to bring another gift?
I say yes. You just can't go to a baby shower without a gift. In our situation, it may be a smaller gift than we would normally give, but gift there must be.
James says no. One gift per baby. Duty fulfilled.
What say you?
9 Comments:
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i per baby, i agree- bring a bottle a wine or a small hostess gift?
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I agree--the people who matter--the parents and babe--know you've paid up, so anyone else who thinks it's bad form for you to come empty handed should mind their own beeswax.
By
, at 10:52 AM
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One per kid. Otherwise I could have a dozen showers for each of my as-yet-to-be-conceived children and you would have to give me tons of gifts.
If you find that too rude, take along a batch of your delicious brownies for the parents. But don't feel obligated. :) -
My sense of good manners (or obligation?) says bring a smaller gift. My checkbook agrees with James. I like Rachel's idea of bringing your famous brownies (which I've never had)...sounds like everyone would be happy!
Was I nonpartisan enough?!
I'm glad I'm not the only one who struggles with such quandries. -
OK, no gift it is. If I brought a second gift, it might also make her think she needs to bring another gift next time she sees me.
Brownies are a good idea - much more evangelical than KP's wine. Trust me, if I tried to pick out a wine for someone, it would just embarrass everyone involved. -
Duh! One gift.... James is right on this one.
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Generally I go with one gift per baby, but really I could get in trouble here. I mean, I've made at least 2 things thusfar for Amelie (though I admit I'm partial to her) and I've been known to spoil other children on a whim. So, if you feel you want to be more generous, then by all means do, but if you feel social pressure, then just show up and hug the parents and kiss the baby.
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Blogging is more than a hobby. Sometimes I'll find a blog I like and just post. Might not be my interest, but it's fun anyhow. I typed in http://www.officialbabynurserysite.com the other day and got some really good blogs to. You just never know. Have a good one!
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Great blog. Keep up the good work. I also like baby nursery furniture websites. Some of my favorites.
Monday, November 14, 2005
This is my corner of the living room. If asked, I'd say I prefer my workspace to be fairly sparse, but apparently that preference exists only in my mind. I read in the recliner, then write at the desk. I look out the two windows, one looks out to the driveway, and the other to the front yard. The sewing machine is not normally there, but I was trying to see if I could comfortably sew from my office chair (no). I sewed two baby balls this week. My bookcase is pink, which matched my pink office. I used to have a wonderful pink office, with the cat boxes and food in there, too. The babies prompted a major rearranging of space, and my old office became our bedroom. I'd like to have a room to myself, and move this whole corner somewhere upstairs or downstairs.
And though I prefer order, I like this picture because it's cluttered. I want my life to be full of people, ideas, and projects. I want to be interruptable - I've been training myself to work with interruptions so I can continue being productive even with a lively household. (This is inspired by Karen Mains - she writes about becoming an author while she had little kids. She says women rarely have the luxury of solitary work time, so we best learn to work in the flow of household life).
I'm curious...show me a picture of where you blog from. Let me know in the comments when you post a picture so I can go see.
3 Comments:
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Here's mine: http://possiblewater.blogspot.com/
And, btw, not sure where you got that bio of Karen Mains, but, yikes, they don't like her very much.... -
A rare blog edit - I changed the Karen Mains link to a more reasonable one. I was just being sloppy.
If you have any spare prayers or kind thoughts today, send them my way. I have a weird cold that has my muscles and joints aching, and skin prickly. It's hard to lift the babies - could be a long day until James gets home. -
Hi Jenell - I posted a pic..come and see!
Show me where you blog from
Friday, November 11, 2005
Have any of you reflected on this issue of boundaries in blogging? Blogging is an intersection of all my public roles - roles that are usually somewhat separate. I'm a church member, for example, and that's a role in which I probe theological uncertainties, am honest about my marriage and personal life, and grow and learn in peer friendship with others. My professor role is one in which I explore ideas on terms that I set up (generally), I need to at least appear to be an expert in subject matter, and I need to be 'professional' in terms of my relationships with peers and with students. My author role in another one, in which I craft and edit thoughts before putting them out to the public. My "Jenell at home" self is also part of the blog, as I write from here about things that happen in my household.
The roles get confused when, say, a Bethel administrator reads my theological rants (theological propriety is part of the terms of my employment, and those terms are more strict than the ones at church). Or an anthropology student from a different college seeks me out for an "interview an anthropologist" assignment (hello Ayo!), and finds my blog through google. Or an editor who was considering me for something finds this blog and sees how sloppy my writing is in this venue. Or church friends read my academic manifestos and think I'm being elitist or inacessible.
For the most part, I enjoy these tensions - writing in the midst of these role overlaps makes me think about whether or not my roles are well-integrated, and about whether I want to keep them all going. But I've drawn some lines that weren't there at the blog's inception. I don't swear very much anymore on the blog, because while that's OK at church, it's not OK at work or with students. And it's usually just funny or emphatic, not necessary. I also write less about my emotional life and my grief. That was very public at church, and the blog was mostly networked with church folks, and so it made sense. When I want to talk about my triplets, however, I'd rather do so with people who knew me then, and I don't so much just want to put those words out into cyberspace.
I know other profs who write academic blogs, but I don't know of too many others like mine. I don't think I should have to wear that stuffed shirt every day I come out in public. I want to claim a broader freedom than professional boundaries, but I also don't want to sabotage professional opportunities or relationships by being weird or unintelligible in this space.
Brian Howell, a colleague at Wheaton, started a blog. I was e-mailing him about blogs, and suggested that he find a focus for his blog identity - is he blogging as a professor, a church person, a multiculturalist, or what? And then the "interview an anthropologist" student e-mailed me and said she's been reading the blog. Those two occasions prompted this post.
8 Comments:
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Not to be a blog whore or anything, but I've written about this twice; once here:
http://noplatform.blogspot.com/2004/08/area-man-claims-to-find-real-self.html
And once several months ago. When my student from Orono read my blog routinely, I had to work hard to maintain some kind of integrity by being myself but not ignoring the reality that part of who I am is a responsible person when it comes to being a public school teacher. -
I've found that I censor myself a lot more now that I know my parents and a guy I've been getting to know are reading my blog. Because I don't necessarily want them to know every detail of my thoughts about him & how our first date went or how tired I am with singleness & all its attendant frustrations. I've actually started toying with the idea of a secret blog where I can explore some of my theological questions in a slightly more anonymous setting. (There are a few non-church friends who would feel the need to intervene if they knew what I've been thinking. And I don't really want to deal with that right now. But at the same time, I feel the need to express my thoughts in writing.)
By
, at 11:35 AM
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I've excluded my family from knowing that I blog (I don't think they even know what a blog IS). That gives me a certain amount of freedom. Yet the tension of roles remains. I, like Rachel, find myself desiring a secret blog identity - I haven't explored what that is all about, but I think it's about freedom from constraints. I was surprised when I first realized that blogland has relational repercussions. I have experienced sweet love and support in blogland. Of course I have also experienced the yucky-ness of other people dumping their own junk on me.
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I've definitely struggled with the issue of blog boundaries. While my identity is not really a secret (I occasionally link to articles I've written, which have my byline), I don't blog under my real name, partially because I want to separate my private blogging from my "official" journalism-type stuff (I think). That's also why I've chosen, at least for now, to make my blog more about a particular interest (gospel music) than about me as a "personality," although that's blurry, too. At the same time, I keep up with several blogs that are personal journals and enjoy them a lot.
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Well, you know my blog... Like you, I am a professor who blogs under his full (and unusual) name.
Right off the bat, I knew I didn't want a blog that just focused on academic interests. I wanted something that would be an intersection of the personal, the political, the professional, and, in the case of my youth group, the pastoral.
I do have a few boundaries, largely around protecting my new wife and her identity. But if my students get some surprising insights into me, so much the better. I don't tell them to visit my blog, but students do tend to "google" their profs quite often. -
I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I'm a part-time pastor in a small church and I NEVER blog about my work. I think my blog would be deeper, funnier and better if I did , but I did take this vow of confidentiality when I got ordained, and I'm not sure how much is too much, yet. I think that once I started, it would all pour out in a big rush. I dont think anyone there knows about my blog, but I'm not exactly private about it and if anyone from church found it, I would not want it to be the end of the world (or my job!).
You seem to have found a good balance by blogging about YOURSELF - your ideas, your family, your feelings - rather than using your blog as a place to air issues with administrators or whatever.
I think that's a good place to be - your blog reads as both safe AND real. -
Its an interesting dilemma, one that I think bloggers deal with quite a bit.
For me personally, I made the choice of going with a blogging service that allows me to create filters so that I have greater control over who sees what.
I can make posts totally public, or restrict them to various groups of people depending on the filter.
I find it helps a lot. -
I just started blogging at the end of last month so I don't have that much experience yet.
I did decide not to tell friends, relatives, neighbors, fellow church members, or coworkers that I had started a blog because I wanted to be fairly free with what I wrote. On the other hand, though, I am aware that any in the above categories could possibly, at some point in the future, come across it so I do write with that thought slightly in the background.
But I started my blog as a place to write what I really feel and about what I really feel is important. I was trying to come up with some kind of blog name along the lines of "Thoughts unspoken" - though I wanted a more unusual title.
In real life, I'm fairly quiet and extremely polite - and, not that I'm going to try to be deliberately offensive in my blog, I would like to be more outspoken.
Monday, November 07, 2005
I want to find a blog post written by a priest (Catholic or Anglican? not sure). He wrote about there being no such thing as "the homosexual", because sexual identity categories are social constructs. Well, it was something like that. I found it through some labyrinth of blog links - if you know what I'm talking about, do tell. See title above.
Carla gets the last word on attachment parenting. Read, study, pray, consult...and then parent by instinct. Harmony in the parent-child relationship (and parent-parent, parent-parent-child-child and all other household combinations) is necessary, and can be made and found in many different ways.
Just please don't say that you're parenting "naturally, like Africans" (I heard this recently). White middle-class people don't want to live like indigenous people or Africans in any other way but the parenting of infants. Because infants are closer to nature, and so are brown people - more simple, childlike, and not so muddled up with culture and complexities like we are. Equating "nature" with "indigenous" or "black" is racist, plain and simple (the inverse is that "culture" and "civilization" go with "white"). Attachment parenting is a broad movement, with plenty of bright people in it, but parts of its philosophy are grounded in a wrong-headed view of race and culture.
And a shout out to Jen for nursing her kids for so long! The oldest documented nursing child was eight years old. The only reason we think it's weird is because Americans oversexualize the breast. If li'l pooky wants his num-nums, go for it.
Minor note of interest only to Pete - Todd Friel was criticizing women for breastfeeding in public. I called in to defend breastfeeding - I said women can feed their children whenever and however they want to. Needless to say, I did not win the argument - he told me I shouldn't change my boys' diapers in public in case a girl sees their bits and pieces. I felt like a fool for taking the bait and calling in.
5 Comments:
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OOOOOH. I heard you call in and thought "Now, was that Jenell???" Sorry to hear that...
I'm kind of listening to the guy less and less--I just don't have enough energy to pick fights anymore. -
i don't know who the catholic priest is you are looking for on the homosexuality point, but the idea that sexual identity is a construct seems like standard fare from my experience with people from more liberal faith traditions or certain flavors of higher education. now i'm curious. are you writing an article and looking for a source for above stated point of view?
By
, at 11:36 PM
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ha! i meant to add "jen lemen who should be curious about her own potential articles and sources"
:)By
, at 11:37 PM
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What's worse, people might see your boys junk if they get changed in public.
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I'm a latecomer on the AP discussion, but just want to throw in my kudos for your highly sensible commentary. There is a lot of fuzzy thinking going on when it comes to infant care, and a lot of overachieving parents who want to create some sort of "pure" "natural" environment for their children, as if such a thing were not culturally conditioned. As our oldest has just turned four, I'm learning that the decisions about how much to control our child's environment only get more complicated as they get older, and the balance between the needs of the family and the needs of the individual never go away.
By
, at 10:09 PM
Friday, November 04, 2005
In response to Jen’s question about my views of attachment parenting…Attachment parenting (AP) argues that parents should trust their children, respond quickly to their needs, and understand the reasons behind a child’s behavior, instead of just regulating externals. For infants, it involves wearing the baby for most of the first year (have baby in a sling as much as possible), co-sleeping, and breastfeeding on demand. A new standard is going diaperless.
Its master text is The Continuum Concept (TCC), written by Jean Liedloff after she spent time with an indigenous Amazonian group (if she ever names them, other than “primitives” or “stone age”, I didn’t catch it). “The continuum concept” says that humans have a natural way to grow up, but our society is discordant with nature. We need to raise children as our ancestors did in order to allow the human spirit to flourish.
There are many problems with this from an anthropological point of view. Most agree that European cultural imperialism is wrong, yet some are willing to accept this unwitting Amazonian imperialism. Humans are amazingly adaptive – the whole point of culture is that humans create shared ways of life that work in various times and contexts. Some aspects of Amazon life may work for us, but others won’t. An American woman practicing AP may be alone much of the time, as babywearing and demand feeding are not conducive to driving, working, or otherwise having one’s own agenda outside the home. As Jen mentioned, it is also difficult when baby’s home environment socializes him into a world that doesn’t exist; baby is in for a rude awakening some time or other. Gentle parenting advocates do create local moms groups and conferences – just what they need to reduce the isolation of this approach.
I asked my Christian anthropologists’ listserv about TCC, and one said, “Goodness, I had no idea our Amazonian friends were causing so much trouble for white middle-class American women!” Many of these anthropologists practiced co-sleeping, nursing on demand, and no diapers while in indigenous cultures, but then switched to more American practices when they came back home. One tried diapers, but the Amazon heat caused rashes, and it was easier for babies to do their business and then dip them in the river. Some practices ‘translate’ to American life, but others don’t (nude toddlers in Minnesota winters just isn’t going to work out; nursing on demand doesn’t work for full-time working moms).
I think AP is a fine approach, and I read about it so that I can adapt what works for us, but it shouldn't become an idol. It is not the only way of our ancestors, nor the best way for us. Our ancestors practiced different forms of childcare (one culture teases and mocks children, others have almost no father input…). Additionally, we have limited information about our ancestors – the Amazon in 1975 was not the Amazon of 10,000 BP (and there are many, many culture groups in the Amazon). Hunter-Gatherer Childhoods suggests that AP selects only a few traits of hunter-gatherer life for American emulation, specifically those that take the greatest toll on women (nursing on demand, babywearing, cosleeping). Most hunter-gatherers don’t educate or intentionally socialize children, yet that is of great importance to Americans. They certainly don’t practice psychologically sophisticated disciplining, seeing as they don’t use psychology to understand the world. All hunter-gatherer boy toddlers play violent simulation games with arrows, but most AP parents are pacifists. The hunter-gatherer world is socially dense; children know no strangers, and mothers always have help from kin. Even AP parents have to teach their children to survive in a society of strangers, and women have to do this intensive parenting mostly alone and without help.
And last, from a Christian point of view, is the notion of sin. AP says children are naturally good, and parents need only to encourage the emergence of goodness in children. So-called bad behavior is only an attempt to get good needs met, so parents need to respond to the valid need behind the behavior. In my Christian view, sometimes behavior is simply meeting the child’s need to be mean, violent, or just plain bad. (And read up on hunter-gatherers - they can be just as nasty as we are!). In addition to meeting the valid needs behind “bad” behavior, parents also need to help children deal with personal evil; their innate capacity to harm others and themselves.
AP puts too much responsibility on women without the supporting cultural traits that make this form of parenting possible. AP is adaptive (not “natural”) for hunter-gatherers living in the bush, but extremely difficult for our cultural context. The result can be a heap of stress, guilt, and shame for women who are pushing themselves to perfect a foreign culture’s way of parenting. Talk about discordant.
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Thanks for this helpful analysis. Do we have any idea what the parenting practices were in Jesus' time? I know the family was the basic social unit and children were rather low on the social totem pole, but other than that I haven't heard much else.
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As usual, I think this is very intelligent commentary about a really important issue. Two of my friends out here in Colorado use attachment parenting philosophies, and one of their daughters still sleeps in their bed at age 4--which I realize isn't THAT old in the grand scheme of life, but I guess I feel I am a mother who is engaged with my children for most of the 24 hour day--and I think the night/sleep time is important to have rest, privacy, and even intimacy. I feel less strongly about the breastfeeding on demand and even the sling--I think that those can be beneficial for both mother and child. However, my friend's daughter, who is 2 and still nursing, DEMANDS to be breastfed at all times during the day and I feel that it really makes the child feel in control and she uses it as a manipulative thing. I think the line between nourishment and emotional co-dependence can be blurred sometimes when kids are breastfed until they are 3 or 4. I would be really curious about breastfeeding in other cultures and how long they do it, if it is used for emotional comfort after its purposes for nourishment have diminished because the child is eating regular food, etc... I will look forward to this blog in the future!!
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I don't know much about Bible times child raising - sorry.
And Rachel, I've also seen 2-3 year olds nursing for reasons other than nourishment. That can be fine, but can also become a bad relationship dynamic btw mother and child - I know that Kung (Kalahari) nurse until 4, and use it for emotional as well as physical nourishment. Anthropologists generalize that hunter-gatherer infants/children nurse an average of 4 times an hour, and 2 minutes per time. That's more than just physical nourishment! -
i'll come out of the closet on the nursing thing. :)
i nursed my kids until they were 2.5 and 3.5 years old respectively--mostly because it felt like a totally normal thing to do and it didn't occur to me to wean them earlier. (it helps to live in the people's republic of takoma park!)
i didn't intend to nurse that long *at all* before i had babies--things kind of evolved that way. i found it more exhausting/challenging to nurse them as infants (high demand, annoying problems, no time away) then when they were toddlers. that was the time i was most glad that they still nursed. it was an easy point of nurture and reconnection in the storms of toddlerhood. people around me perceived it as something that was taxing or too much for me, but i was very happy to do it. i have a deep and rich connection with both my kids now that feels somewhat related to that time we had together.
all that said, i appreciated your assessment of AP, jenell. it's one of the hardest things to reconcile--the high demand on the mother and the harsh reality of the isolation we live in. i know many times over the years i have lamented all my failures in light of AP's unrelenting call to perfection. now that both my kids are in school, i can't believe how quickly i'm starting to forget just how hard it all was at times. or how lonely.By
, at 11:19 PM
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When I finally am at the childrearing part of my life, I certainly will have a large community of people to turn to for advice on technique.
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this is so well-said (as always). I have friends at every point on this issue--those who nurse well into toddlerhood and preschool, those who stopped nursing after a few weeks, co-sleepers and those who put the baby in his own room as soon as possible, spankers and non-spankers, etc. I think the biggest mistake we make in parenting is to let others sway us into a way of parenting that doesn't feel right, no matter what that way is. We certainly need to learn from each other and be open to new ideas, but the parent/child dynamic is unique to each parent and each child and just can't be dictated by outside forces. I am a big believer in instinct. I think it's the gift God gives us to help us raise our children.
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, at 11:40 AM
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Joe Berenguer, at 2:35 AM
Wednesday, November 02, 2005
It's 11:20 pm, and I'm blogging to stretch out a few more minutes before I feed the beasties. I drank a lot of coffee at 8:30 and now may never sleep. I was on a panel at Bethel, discussing homosexuality (it was from 9:30-10:30, and I'm usually in bed by then; hence, the coffee). Everyone used their words. No one asked me to pick them up. No one wore diapers. I nursed no one. I was worried that I would either start speaking baby talk, or would say something bizarre about sexuality. I think I held it together OK.
How amazing that there are places set apart for ideas. A bunch of adults gathered tonight to think about ideas together. All of our lives are, with varying degrees of intensity, filled with eating, sleeping, pooping, and crying. What a privilege to be able to meet those needs, and still have energy to spare for abstractions. I love college.
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How did the panel go? Was it well attended/received?
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It wasn't as well-attended as I expected for the topic - maybe 200. It went well, but we had been given the questions ahead of time, and of course, profs generally agree on the topic (panel was 6 profs/staff). Next week is student questions/answers - I'm looking forward to that. It was a step in the right direction in terms of open dialogue, but we need students to also speak up to have more diverse opinions represented.
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Oh, how I wish I had been there for that panel!
Hurrah for brief breaks back into adulthood.
Tuesday, November 01, 2005
I know lonely people: a man in his sixties who has only one friend; a woman in her fifties who just moved to a new place where she doesn’t know anyone, and she only had one friend in the place she left; a man who lives in the mountains and has no friends. Many who live in webs of church, family, and work friends still feel lonely, sometimes eating and relaxing alone most nights, having to make effort (phonecalls, scheduling) to be around others of our species. Loneliness ought not be; it is not what we were made for.
Anthropologists often compare the present to the environment of evolutionary adaptation (EEA). The EEA was 10,000 years ago – the world to which modern homo sapiens adapted. In what ways, then, are we still living in accord with the world to which we are best adapted, and in what ways are we discordant? For example, some diets argue that carbs are bad for us because the agricultural revolution is so recent, and our bodies haven’t evolved to accept grains. Our bodies, back in the EEA, handled meats, fruits, vegetables, and starches.
Hunter Gatherer Childhoods gathers information from about five hunter-gatherer cultures, and makes generalizations about hunter-gatherer socialization practices. Hunter-gatherers have adapted to modern life, but their lifestyle (those hunter-gatherers who can still practice such subsistence patterns, and what we know from older ethnographic accounts) tells us more about the EEA than any other source. (I’m reading the book to learn more about attachment parenting, which claims to be based on the ways of our ancestors.) In general, our ancestors carried babies, nursed on-demand for long periods, allowed long periods of dependency (children could forage, for example, but aren’t expected to do so seriously), and are rarely disciplined or educated. Children are raised in the context of dense social relationships – usually a band of extended kin and non-relatives that is about 20-100 people in size – almost always less than 500. People transfer between groups, but there is quite a bit of stability.
Most Americans, even, rarely met a “stranger” and were rarely “anonymous”, until society urbanized enough to allow some people to leave their farms, go to the city, and meet people they’d never met before. Today, many many American live with few or even no relationships. We move far from our families, and far from communities in which we are settled, mostly for jobs. Our society is so large-scale, and our economy so profit-driven, that we are pushed to live beyond the boundaries within which we were created. When we try to form community through intensive church, co-housing, or community living, we find that other people are just as insane and evil as we thought they were, and our communities collapse. People were irritating, violent, and hard to get along with in the EEA, too, but survival depended upon staying together.
God made our species social – one of the premises of culture is that it is shared and learned. Living without relationships is to live on the margin of our species. We may like to believe that our lives are easier in every way than the lives of hunter-gatherers (or maybe you never think about it). But we have to work much harder to simply be human – to embed our lives in socially dense networks that allow for us to really live: to exercise and not to squelch our desire to share life and our need to communicate, learn, and relate.
One of my family members recently complained about a church saying, “They don’t teach anything! You can go there for a year and never learn anything.” But does it really take a lifetime of education to figure out Christianity? Christian education has its place, but it should be a small place compared with Christian living. Given our context, the Christian life might be simple in many regards. Befriend the lonely. Love others the way you want to be loved. Receive Jesus’ love and share it.
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did you ever read carol flinders book, the values of belonging? same premise, with a different purpose--to illuminate the relationships across gender. i'd love to hear your thoughts if you've read it. and the continuum concept--is that on your nightstand? i value so many of the attachment parenting practices, but have discovered sadly that they have made my children ready for an ideal world, not the dog-eat-dog one they have to navigate here inside the beltway.
By
, at 3:57 PM
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Funny you should post this the day after haloween. Last night as we were passing out candy I remarked how interesting it is that it is only this rather strange holiday that the invisible boundaries of American neighborhoods are crossed and neighbors actually come into your yard and knock on your door (albeit in costumes!).
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"When we try to form community through intensive church, co-housing, or community living, we find that other people are just as insane and evil as we thought they were, and our communities collapse."
Is there hope here? Can we begin to build communities where we are intentional about HOW we do community, in such a way as to protect it without smothering it? Everything about this blog screams "counter-culture" to me, and I doubt we will be able to make the transition without power from on high.
but I want to. -
I think the place to begin is simply by making a real commitment to a church. I mean a commitment that does not dissolve when the worship leader changes, or the pastor starts a three-year-series on Living Your Maximum Life, or your friends move away. We've belonged to an incredibly frustrating church for four years. We've wanted to quit more times than I can count. (Although I suck at math, so maybe that's not so impressive.) But I know that leaving just not an option. I don't consider divorce an option in my marriage, and I won't divorce my church either. (Unless it abuses me, but that's another post.)
By
Brian M. Howell, at 9:36 PM
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How did you get here, Brian?!? We can be CAB, the Christian Anthropologist Bloggers, a club of two.
I haven't been posting much - my non-computer life became too full. I had to buy a new computer (long, boring story), and am still spending time getting everything to work. I'm trying to save all our photos to CDs, which is taking me a long time, too. Then I got sick, and got the babies sick, and James is starting to get sick. I enjoy sucking snot out of the babies' noses, and have had plenty of opportunity. I don't like it when the snot runs down to their mouths and dries in a crust on the upper lip. I always thought moms weren't wiping their kids' noses for hours on end, but that happens within 10 minutes.
I've also been reading Bart Campolo's new blog. It's wonderful to have an old friend on-line, and I'm enjoying reading about his major life changes. I think it's rare for a public Christian who has spent his entire adulthood doing one thing to change to another thing, and write about his spiritual and personal life in genuine ways. It's also exciting to read about an important journey while it is in the works.
My important journey is leading me to bed.
2 Comments:
Aidan & Brigit say that they love the photo & wish they were allowed to go out & play in the snow with Ruby!
By
Rachel, at 9:27 PM
Ruby goes out whenever she wants, but then has to cry out there until someone hears her. It doesn't seem fun to me, but she goes stir-crazy in here.
By
Jenell, at 10:16 AM
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