Friday, December 29, 2006
Advent was a big wake-up call as to how one's personal weaknesses will affect one's children. I was challenged to ask myself, what kind of mother do I want my children to have at Christmastime? I pretended it was Lent (except shorter), and gave up negativity for Advent. I don't hate Christmas - I really enjoy it - but I indulge in negativity about decorating, clutter, holiday music, and putting large, shedding outdoor material inside the home. I like food, baking, sewing stuff, not going to work, and gifts.
I held it together for most of December, but became pretty much a basketcase on Christmas Day, the day we spent with my sister's family and my parents. My self was divided: emotionally a 13-year-old, emotionally also a 19-year-old, and I'm pretty sure I was talking and acting like my mother. At one point, I actually hid in my dad's computer room and e-mailed some friends, which wasn't as low as the point at which I cried uncontrollably because Oliver was crying uncontrollably. Believe me, that kind of empathy isn't helpful for an 18-month-old.
Trying to be a good mother for Christmas was one of the hardest things I've tried to do in a long time. It wasn't natural at all - more of a white-knuckle approach to sobriety (I think that's a good phrase, even though I learned it from James Frey). I learned some good things, though. One is that it's OK to be myself at Christmas. Instead of asking 'what kind of mother do I want my children to have?', I can ask, 'How can the person I already am be a blessing to these little boys?' I can easily restrain myself from criticizing Christmas, and I should in fact try to do my best at being happy. Other things, if I don't do them at all (decorate), my husband makes Christmas happen in his own way and time, which was just the perfect way and time. Other things, like rehashing mother-daughter conflicts from 16 years ago, or looking family dysfunction straight in the face, probably just don't need to happen on Christmas. Eckhart Tolle says, in such situations, to accept, act, or leave. Don't just sit there and be miserable. I accept Christmas music and pine needles on the floor. I will act to participate in decorating, and things like baking that I easily enjoy. I will avoid unnecessarily conflict, and just enjoy the best in the people who love me.
As for New Year's resolutions, mine is to mark 'change contact lenses' on the first day of each month in my day planner. That should allow me to coast through until Lent.
Friday, December 22, 2006
My parents put down their beloved Ashes yesterday. Ashes was a 19-year-old Maine Coone cat, a long-haired girl with a wide meaty head and unusually large paws. She was my aunt's cat, and my parents took her in "temporarily" when my aunt was hospitalized briefly in 1993.
She was loved by only three: mom, dad, and me. I slept with her whenever I stayed at my parents' house - I was able to calm her and make her purr, and she made me happy. It was difficult for her to find friends, or to find people to sleep with, because she hissed and stank alot. I'd have to wash my hands after touching her -- somehow she was dry and greasy at the same time, and grease would adhere skin flakes and hair to my hands. She hissed as greeting and farewell, complete with a large waft of stink-breath. Her fur lived in 2-3 inch dreadlocks that matted down to her skin. The dreds could have been a political statement, but they were more likely the beginning of her health's demise.
Ashes marked a significant turn in my theology. After our triplets died, James and I asked each other, "How could God want her to continue living, and not them?" They did a better job of living than she did, and they mattered more than her, in every way imaginable. She was done enjoying life years ago, and lingered on only to destroy my parents' carpet and bed (there were years of vomit and incontinence). In all seriousness, that injustice helped me move definitively away from "God is in control" theology. It simply isn't believable to me that God micromanages births and deaths, having some logic behind orchestrating the deaths of good people and the continuation of pathetic beasts. I sensed it before, but Ashes' prolonged existence helped my mind and heart turn with confidence toward a God of more mystery, a world of both more injustice and more true love, and a life of more faith.
Rest in peace, Ashes.
6 Comments:
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My parents had to put down their cat this winter as well. "Turtle" the long haired toritiseshell which I picked out from the humane society when I was 13. She had thyroid issues, which stemmed into larger health decline (also the grease you spoke of). Poor kitty. They finally couldn't let her suffer anymore, though we will miss her cranky old lady voice, her loud purr and the carpet being clawed up in places.
By
, at 9:55 PM
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Cat lovers everywhere....just a thought, maybe your cat stories should be a bit more private. I'm not sure, but all the talk of puke, incontinence, "stink-breath", clawed carpet, hissing and the like (including wanting to anonymously kill your cat-jimmy), is a bit too much info.
I'm not a cat person and you helped my conviction.
Enjoy your kitties!! :)
shelleyBy
, at 11:56 PM
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Is that Shelley Pagitt, saying she doesn't want to hear about poo? What gives?!?
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Hey, I could weave a many an entertaining yarn about cats that don't involve unwanted bodily fluids! No one should so blatantly disregard the entertainment value of stories about cats, even cat-haters.
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I like this post Jenell...as a cat lover, as someone who embraces more of the mystery of God than the pat answers and as someone who appreciates that you can make it all relevant and say it so succintly.
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BTW - We lost one of our spice finches on Christmas eve. Bummer for the girls, not so much for me. He was suffering, poor bird.
Friday, December 15, 2006
It's stressful for everyone, a stress unknown since the first week of the semester. The final week is full of papers, exams, details, and problems. I field phonecalls and e-mails regarding deadlines, exceptions, crises, questions, and the like.
My favorite, though brief, interaction with a student so far has been this one. I tell it not to make fun at all, but to show that, while we work closely together, professors and students have quite different rhythms.
Me: I'll be in my office by 9:30, and you can come take the test then.
Student: Is that AM or PM?
5 Comments:
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Does a "Wikipedia" entry count as an actual reference in a college paper? I can't decide if I'm being an old fogey or if I'm actually defending "quality" (whatever that is).
By
, at 8:52 PM
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Took me a week to reply...
My philosophy is that anything - grandma, wikipedia, a classmate - is a potential source, but it must be properly cited and with an awareness as to its credibility. Know that peer-review and primary sources are the gold standard for our discipline.
Wikipedia is, in my experiece, great for pointing you to the sources where you should begin an investigation. Every time I've used wikipedia and then investigated further, I find errors on the entry.
My greatest bane is dictionary.com. So we discuss in class why social scientists come up with different definitions for very basic things, like 'group', 'race', or 'history' than dictionary definitions. I just ban dictionary definitions (for course terms) altogether.
I seem to write assignments in such a way that students avoid wikipedia, but use dictionary.com. -
If nothing else, I'd like to see the phrase "Webster's defines whatever as whatever..." banned from general usage period. Reading the dictionary is not research.
By
, at 10:53 AM
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I give students a hand-out with a list of things that bug me, to try to make both the standard and the idiosyncratic parts of my grading clear to them.
Three things that bug me:
1. Using the phrase "According to the dictionary..."
2. Misspelled homynyms, such as 'their/there'(did I misspell homynym? I checked dictionary.com, and it should have been homonym.)
3. Using Bible verses to resolve a complex social problem. Using scripture at a college-educated level of sophistication is very good and welcome at a Christian college, but one verse just doesn't resolve racism or genocide. Especially if it's the Golden Rule or John 3:16. Or anything from Revelation. -
stop asumming you know jenell r you seem to be confused that you people are her, or you are being finacial compensated but you are making her ill, thank you in advance 1 warning type of crowd
By
, at 5:52 AM
Wednesday, December 13, 2006
Life feels sort of out of control this week, but I made my blog even more so by blogging on so many subjects in rapid succession - sorry if I missed something I should have responded to four days ago. I want to end the pet discussion...or will it be a new beginning??
I think pets need to live in harmony with their humans, and there does come a point when the 'domesticated' animal is unable to live with humans. Destroying the human environment daily with pee is either over the line or close to it...I didn't realize Georgia was the reincarnation of Al...which sucks. My parents keep animals in such condition, and their beds, carpets, and furniture shows it, but James and I decided not to. In one situation, Matty, she was otherwise healthy and happy, which is why we released her on my student's farm (with the student's knowledge!). Her previous owners also had lied to us about why they were getting rid of her - we soon realized her behavior problems were long-standing and not related to a specific environment. Opal (Aug. 10) was having similar problems, but was also in rapid decline. I looked into a no-kill shelter for her, but when the end of life seemed so eminent (don't think I'm dumb b'c I can't spell that), I felt responsible for seeing her through her last days. That meant euthanizing her a day or two before she would have died, anyway...I couldn't stand watching her die.
The sad fact is that the vast majority of cats brought into shelters are euthanized - we just have too many cats (we being society in general, not my family specifically). I couldn't just take Opal to a shelter, knowing she would be euthanized by strangers, so we took her in ourselves. I don't know about dogs and others. I want to love and save those I can, but I set different bounds on putting up with animal problems versus human problems.
I don't want to live with a man who kills our pets for his own convenience and without my consent. I can be a cultural relativist about it, and see why others would do otherwise, but that's my opinion, and I really would call the cops on my husband in such a situation. And I would encourage Michelle to do the same, Mr. Fuller!
In related news, I watched Man V. Beast tonight. Kubayachi lost to an Alaskan brown bear in a hotdog eating contest, and a sprinter lost to a zebra, but beat a giraffe. There were some unacknowledged racial issues in pitting an Afrian-American sprinter (who calls himself cheetah man and his human competitors 'beasts') against African animals...and there may have been ethical issues in subjecting animals to reality TV, but it entertained me for 30 minutes, so I guess it all balanced out. If Opal were still alive, I wouldn't have let her compete. She would have kicked any human's ass, however, in the 'being frightened of stuff' contest.
3 Comments:
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Watching a pet die or be in pain is the worst thing ever. I think you need to do whatever is best at the time with that specific animal, not saying killing it yourself, but taking it to the vet to be put down or whatever. We had to do that this year when we found out our hedgehog had cancer. It is one of the hardest things our family had to do. There we sat with "Norman" and both of us crying. We were so selfish we could not even stay while they did it. We still struggle when we think, "Did we really do the right thing?" You have to know that you do and they are in a better place.
Good luck with everything and the decisions you make for the kitty.
JenniferBy
, at 6:45 AM
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One of the countless reasons I married Michelle is that she would probably agree with me if we found ourselves in your situation. The possibility of us ever actually owning a pet is far from imminent.
By
Josh Fuller, at 1:59 PM
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Pet compatibility is a pretty big issue in a marriage or roommate. I lived with five roommates and one cat, and one woman detested the idea of animals living indoors - it was really hard for her.
And Jennifer, you're right. I was surprised by how the ethical issues became crystal clear, and their solutions as well, as the situation unfolded. I worried about Opal's demise, but I think she let me know when the time had come, and I felt strongly about the course of action we took - what was right and wrong for her at each step.
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Got Extra Money?
Mike Todd, at Waving or Drowning, is doing a great Christmas donation project. Bono and Oprah, though the Product RED campaign, are encouraging people to shop for stuff on a certain list, and a portion of the profits go to AIDS relief.
Mike is cutting out the shopping middle-person, and asking for donations that will go directly to the Stephen Lewis Foundation, an AIDS relief group.
Instead of buying stuff, and having $10 go to charity, why not just give the $10...or more...directly to the charity? Unless you need stuff for Christmas gifts, in which case you should shop with Bono and Oprah and achieve the same good end.
Go here for Mike's project.
Oliver is regaining strength, though will need more days of recovery. Wesley and James didn't get sick. I succumbed, but only briefly. Hated it. I appreciate your sympathy, but I would not like to hear your worst vomit story. That seems to be a common response to me saying I'm sick, and it literally makes me feel sick to hear it.
I just thought that when it's your own kids, foul bodily fluids don't bother you so much. That is sort of true, when I'm not pregnant, but even then, gross things are still gross. If you're the kind of mom who gathers her vomit-covered child into her arms, and kisses his vomit-covered head...well, I don't want to hear about that, either!
4 Comments:
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I don't kiss vomit-covered heads, nor am I a fan of vomit stories. What I am, is one crabby-ass pregnant woman who takes small bits of comfort in the misery stories of other people to make myself feel better. Sad, huh?
My favorite things about being pregnant are some of the fun comments people make to pregnant women.
Such as:
*You're so big, are you sure you don't have a cyst in there, too? Feel your stomach. Is it hard like a cyst? or just soft and squishy?
*Really? You're only 3 months pregnant, you look about 7!
*Really? You're only 3 months pregnant? You look about 6!
*Really? You're only 3 months pregnant? I'd say you're much closer to 5!
*And the facial expressions are endless (the astonished eyes-wide-open, the jaw-drop, the poor-you concerned-brow, the not-so-well-concealed laugh)
And so on ...
I've been waiting for the time to finally be pregnant, so I don't have to answer to other curious people "no, I'm not pregnant. I just carry extra weight in my tummy." And then have to console them afterwards because they feel dumb.
Bah-Humbug, I say (with a smirk)! -
I more often get "You don't look pregnant at all!", though I think the person suspected I was. Do I normally walk around with a 40-inch waist and wearing overalls? (I don't.)
I think people should say to pregnant women, "How do you feel?" or "How's it going?", and get a sense of what the woman wants to talk about, instead of offering any commentary on their appearance. Often, you just can't win - if you say she looks small, she wanted to look round - if you say she looks unusually large, well that hardly ever goes over well.
Glad to offer you a small bit of comfort, mama2duke. Take it wherever you can! -
Sorry for the vomit story. You are so right...what was I thinking?
Instead, think of the smell of the delicious homemade pumpkin bread pudding with homemade caramel sauce and fresh whipped cream that I just made. Much better olfactory sensation. -
i just realized that your post had nothing to do with crazy, hormonal pregnant women and that i must have felt the need to go off on a tangent! whoops!
Saturday, December 09, 2006
My humor ended when the vomit began. Oliver has been sick all day - vomited maybe eight times. He got about five baths, eight outfits, four crib sheets. I'm on my fifth or sixth shirt. We've been all together today, so each time had me cleaning up either the baby or the mess, and James the other.
I woke up this morning to find him crouched in the corner of his crib, crying and trying to avoid the puke that covered the entire sheet. I started puking (I still get sick every morning, with or without a powerful trigger like that), and in my mind said, 'You're a mother! Your baby is crying for you,' while another voice said, 'I have to be sick NOW. Oliver won't be damaged for life...' Needless to say, the second voice won, and fortunately dad rescued his boy.
I just truly, truly hate this. I think it's extremely likely that he'll be sick another time or two, then Wesley for a few days, and how can James and I avoid it? I want to live in a hotel until it ends. But I am the mom, so I guess I have to stay here.
Sympathy is welcome.
6 Comments:
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Wow, I can't imagine. Sarah and I were just talking about this the other day, anticipating when we'd start having babies. We both aren't looking forward to the puke days. :|
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you have all of my sympathy. Really, all of it. It sounds terrible.
By
, at 4:10 PM
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mine too! definitely. anything you need? food, or anything?
katieBy
, at 5:23 PM
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Aww. I'm so sorry! Hang in there!
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Oooohh...sounds like not much fun. You have my sympathies - and I hope that somehow, you and James avoid the puking bug.
ChristyBy
, at 11:13 PM
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Oh my goodness, you have my sympathies many many times over. I will never forget our family's terrible stomach flu last year...I was pregnant and everyone was puking and my skin and hair and clothes all smelled like puke for days.
Blessings to you all,
Rachel
Friday, December 08, 2006
A nice interview with Leith Anderson on Minnesota Public Radio yesterday. I don't know Rev. Anderson personally, but I suppose many at my church do. He's the new interim president at National Association of Evangelicals.
I liked a lot of what he said, in particular his description of why he wants to remain pastor of Woodale Church, and does not want to become permanent or full-time president of NAE. Later, he talks about why he's a pastor and not a professor. A great articulation of vocation.
I also liked his description of what an evangelical is. He said people self-define as evangelical, and it means different things to different people. His 'big tent' definition is that a person has a personal relationship with Jesus, and takes the Bible seriously. I like those general definitions, and the allowance for self-definition, more than detailed doctrinal definitions.
About 45 minutes in, a Minnesota Lutheran pastor calls in who has a nice Minnesota accent (a real one, not exaggerated as in Fargo), should you be interested in hearing such a thing.
1 Comments:
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Amen for a big tent definition. I don't fall into the small, narrow definition, and often get told I'm not a "real evangelical". But when I hear someone talk about a personal relationship with Jesus, I get it -- I mean, I really, really get it like I get few other things. And I want to share that with others. By that standard, if by no other, I claim the name (small "n") of evangelical.
Thursday, December 07, 2006
On the morning of December 7, Jenell Paris, 34, of Mounds View, picked up her copy of Star and found that it smelled like poo. Further investigation suggested a human source, not a feline one. "I should have gone into forensic anthropology instead of cultural," said Jenell.
Covering the upper left corner of the magazine cover, the poo had landed on Britney Spears' head. Jenell and her husband, James, 40, say they don't know whether it was intended for Brit, which is reasonable, or K-Fed, which is even more reasonable. The two superstars were pictured together on the cover of this week's Star. The Paris' are fairly certain, however, that the tot in question is Oliver Paris, 1.
James reported having seen a naked Oliver squatting over the Star and grunting. Having done this himself on several occasions, James continued diapering Wesley,1, pleased with his fatherly influence on Oliver. Later, an unpleasant smell came from the vicinity of the squatting, but both parents assumed it was emanating from the magazine itself.
Jenell found the magazine the following morning, right after her daily retch. Unable to handle the sight or smell, she tore off the magazine cover and set it on the counter for James to find. Linking together the tot, the squatting, the grunting, and the photograph of Britney and K-Fed, James reportedly said, "That's my boy!"
3 Comments:
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What richness- four posts in a row, and this last one the very best! ROTFL!
Dana AmesBy
, at 9:37 PM
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Um, can we just discuss that the Parises actually PURCHASE the Star? *kpg* I think I love them all even more.
By
, at 10:43 PM
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We discussed the bloggability of this situation, and agreed that the only downside was that admission.
I think lots of people put our family on a pedestal -- seeing how we're perfect, and all -- so maybe acknowledging that we are Star readers helps the masses relate to us.
James feels that the case study was biased. This is his version (if you want to represent it yourself, you know my blogger login): The pet has had a good run - many happy years in our family. Now we're sick of her, and she doesn't like living here with children. She avoids people, including us, and comes out only to demand food or outside. It seems like no one is really enjoying her life all that much, including her. Would it be so bad to offer her a dish of antifreeze? No bloody or brutal violence.
Whatever, honey, it doesn't matter. The point is that one spouse has intentionally ended the life of a domesticated animal, without the consent of the other spouse. You think people are going to rally to your point of view, but read the comments - they're all on my side.
I love the cat, but with a Christian kind of love that expects - and gets - nothing in return but a snarl here and there. It's like how the Calvinist God loves humanity. Because she is a living being, she has the right to live out her days unless and until her life becomes painful to herself, or she becomes unable to live with humans. In that case, we either euthanize her or take her to a no-kill shelter (google it -there's one in most states).
OK, enough with the case study. James, here's the bottom line. If you kill Ruby by any means, no matter how 'gentle', here's what will happen. I will pursue justice for Ruby. I will turn you in to the police for animal cruelty, and attempt to get you jail time or community service. I will tell all your friends and family what you have done. I will pursue other forms of public humiliation, including yard signs, ads in local papers, and t-shirts. Beyond justice for the cat, however, I fear that I couldn't really trust your kindness or gentleness again - it would be very hard to really forgive and re-enter intimacy after such an act.
Two other bottom lines: 1. James won't kill the cat. You should have seen his compassion for Opal - the cat who was truly his nemesis - when she was dying. You should hear him reminisce about Maddy - a cat so troubled even I agreed we had to leave her at one of my student's farms. J.B. was the same way - big talker, but then he was really sad when Al was sick and dying. Much of this is male bravado - indulge yourselves if you like...except Lance really was going to kill his cat, the one Dave saved and named Elijah. (Sorry for all the insider church stories).
2. Emotional attachment to animals is socially constructed - we studied this in Intro to Anthro last week! Certainly some people are capable of killing their domesticated animals, but even then, I think many of them need a clear justifcation in their minds (this is done for mercy or for the family's greater good, not just for convenience, joy, or spite). White, rich Americans love pets in bizarre ways. Most African-Americans, for instance, are not really into sleeping with animals or letting them drink out of your waterglass. Anthropomorphizing animals is a raced, classed phenomena...with many expections and permutations, but I've been teased by many an urban African-American for showering with a dog and sleeping with a cat.
When it comes to my cats, though, my multiculturalism holds little sway. I'm still the white suburban Republican evangelical little girl who dressed up her dog with ribbons, taught her bunny to read, and made a ladder for her dying cat to crawl into bed.
3 Comments:
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Sorry -that sort of went in all directions. I remember one of the main points, with animals as with people, is that the person who cares less has the power.
If I were dating someone, and he killed a pet, I'd probably leave him. But if we were in the situation we're now in, I woudn't. I'd rather my children have a selfish, pet-exterminating, jerk of a father than no father.
I considered moving out for awhile, or making him move out, but then he gets a vacation, and I have to do all the house and child work. As to my other justice-seeking venues, James thought they were extreme, and that no one else would agree with me...hence the blogging.
Marrying someone and procreating with them kind of puts you in a vulnerable situation. My, what grasp of the obvious I have this morning! -
Ok. Impartial judge here. "Kill" the cat, in this case, might well serve the dual pupose of saying, "I don't like this cat, possibly even hate it," but it isn't necessarily a literal speech act. (I "want to kill" my dog, but what would be even better would be for the kids to pay as much attention to her hourly need to pee as the adults do.)
"Honey, how bout we kill the cat," serves the other purpose of communicating, "I'd really, really, really, really like to no longer live with this cat."
Simple solution. Give the cat to a no-kill shelter like you suggested earlier. Someone else will assume, on your behalf, the same Christian love for the cat as you have faithfully provided, minus the ladder and ribbons if they follow the urban script.
As for what we all should take away from this? DON'T SCREW AROUND WITH JENELL! -
Let it not be said that no one is on James' side. Think of me what you will.
By
Josh Fuller, at 2:56 PM
Tuesday, December 05, 2006
James and I are having a discussion that has reached an impassable disagreement. He just asked me to blog about it. I'll explain the context later, but the crux of the question is this:
What would you do if your life partner killed your pet?
Seriously, what would you do?
Addition of context:
You (female) and your partner (male) adopted a pet (dog or cat) five years ago. The pet is still a functional member of the household, doing no damage. But he doesn't like the pet anymore - says it drinks in an irritating way, isn't likeable, sleeps on the bed wrong. He says he wants to kill it with his own hands, and then get a better pet of a different species.
You've been together for many years and have several children together, which influences your options. Oh, and you're Christians and vowed to stay together.
You discuss what would happen to your relationship if he kills the pet. You say you'd take certain actions and certain things would happen, but he thinks otherwise. Before I tell you what I would do, I want to know what others would do - i don't know whether my sense of justice in this situation is typical or not.
This isn't exactly James, me and Ruby, or James, me and Opal, but there are some parallels. And don't worry - Ruby's life isn't really in danger, and therefore, neither is James'.
15 Comments:
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This is too incomplete a case study - was it done on purpose or on accident?
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I agree, there is a serious lack of context here.
By
, at 8:31 AM
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As I read the case study, it seems clear that killing in question is supposed to be intentional. The situation might be complicated by claims of accidentalness, but given that partner has already confessed that he would like to kill said pet, such claims are suspect.
However, having neither a pet nor a life partner, this is all too hypothetical for me to imagine how I would respond. I would be appalled, and probably go off like Nathan against David after the Bathsheba incident, but am at a loss as to what actual actions I would take.By
, at 12:36 PM
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What would I do?
First, said life partner would be told to grow up already and learn to live with the pet until it dies of natural causes.
I am very emotionally attached to my pets, and I can hardly imagine what I would do if my husband intentionally killed one of them. Both of us would be in line for some serious counseling! But my first reaction would probably be both horror and rage -- horror that someone I love would whole-heartedly kill a pet (who is this person I'm married to !?!), and rage that would manifest in the need for revenge. Truthfully, I don't know if I could forgive the killing of a pet.
What we need here is a contrasting comment from someone like Jimmy, who would probably give snaps to the partner for strangling the cat.... -
"...get a better pet of a different species." Hmmm. If he's willing to trade in the cat, maybe I'm next? The behavior toward the pet is tellng me something ominous. Run!
By
, at 3:44 PM
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Jasper, if my husband trades me in for something of another species, then our problems are even more serious than I imagined.
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I don't think even Jimmy is serious. If it came right down to it, I don't think he would do it - even if there were no consequences for his human relationships.
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If my hypothetical life-partner were to kill our pet, that would probably be the end of the relationship. Because I would lose all respect for and trust in him. Not just because of his unwarranted cruelty & callousness toward an animal that we committed to care for, but because he completely disregarded my thoughts/ beliefs/ wishes/ needs in the process.
I'd also keep him away from our hypothetical kids. Because what's he going to do when they're annoying or inconvenient? -
Our cat was a daredevil, and came to us by chance. My husband and I steeled ourselves that she'd probably meet with an accident someday, as we lived in the country (on a farm) at the time. But it was me who accidentally killed our cat last year (ran over with the car--she had slipped into the garage without my knowledge). Both my husband and I were sick about it, and he had to reassure me many times that it was "not my fault." Of course I felt it was, in some way, my fault, because by the very act of taking her in, we were agreeing to protect and care for her.
Again, intention seems to be the crux of this matter; such as it is with many ethical dilemmas.
Finally, I just have to say that part of marriage seems to be putting up with one another. Not liking a family pet is WAY DOWN on the very bottom of my list of worries. Their lives are short enough as it is; wait it out.By
, at 5:15 PM
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I think that killing a pet with your bare hands would be a sign of severe emotional disturbance - isn't violently mistreating pets one of the warning signs of domestic violence? I'd take my kids and the car keys and make an immediate and extended visit to my mother's house.
But joking about it and then giving the pet away, now that would solve the (male) partner's problem and not raise quite the same psychological red flags... Hmmm. There would probably be some arguments about not listening to each other, disrepect, and maybe some family counseling, but it wouldn't rise to the level of divorce. Maybe threats of divorce. As in, "What if I decide to just give YOU away? Maybe I should just trade YOU in for a better partner? One who would care about my feelings and not break our children's trust?" And a lot of tears followed by the silent treatment. Yeah. After that, it would depend on the level of contrition.
But then the only pet we have is our eight-year-old's fish. We're not exactly emotionally committed to any animals around here. -
As the owner of 4 cats and a mother of a toddler, this post is cracking me up!! Of course, killing cats is off the deep-end (and intentionally so) - but how many times have I thought to myself, "WHY - ON - EARTH - DO - I HAVE - FOUR - CATS????"
We must have lost our minds when we thought that 4 felines in a small house was a good idea. But even with the pain in the ass that they are, I'm attached! What's a girl to do? The guy, on the other hand, while attached, is more logical and pushing for a purge.
I'm looking forward to Part II of this post: it couldn't be more timely.By
, at 11:27 PM
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As the father of six kids (four of whom are still teenagers), and owner of a golden retriever, and a calm, good natured cat, I can understand the occasional desire to "downsize" the family...but the dog and cat aren't usually the first to be considered...
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You know what I did a while ago? A friend of mine wanted her cat "taken care of." I just drove it very far away and released it to the Darwinian forces of nature.
By
, at 10:38 AM
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I have an idea. Why don't I kill my dog, Georgia, who is really AL reincarnate, and then see how I feel. If I feel bad about it, I won't do it again when AL reincarnates himself again. Justification? Pissing on my carpet 1-3 times per day, each and every day. . . .
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About an hour ago my husband killed one of our cats for urinating on the counter. I was cleaning the mess and had no idea he was going to do such a horrible act! His only comment was, "What else was I supposed to do?" It never crossed his mind to let me take her to a no kill shelter. I am saddened and appalled by his action and I have no idea what to do.
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, at 12:02 AM
I wanted to say about the Ted Haggard situation is this, prompted by this week's Christianity Today (Mary on the cover). The CT editors wrote a nice analysis of the double-edgedness of evangelicalism's culture of entrepreneurialism and celebrity. The very people who see a need and jump to start something useful on their own steam may be those also likely to avoid accountability. The piece called for new kinds of churches -- even new culture -- in which pastors really live among those they pastor, not above them.
A nice idea, but given the option between a perfect superstar on a pedestal and some schmuck not much different than the rest of us, evangelicals are likely to continue choosing the former. If we want culture change, we need to strategize about how to make that happen. Additionally, we need to stop focusing nearly exclusively on the pastors caught in scandal, and give at least equal attention to their victims and their congregants.
We need to disciple people into radicalism and resistance. Instead of teaching children to be obedient, could we teach them when to obey and when to resist? And could we teach them techniques of resistance - truth-telling, whistle-blowing, civil disobedience, conflict resolution, and the like. Teach them to speak truth to power, even if that means jeopardizing our own power, should we abuse it. Teach them that they're not just sheep in need of herding, but also humans created powerful enough to wrestle even with divine being.
But this isn't really about children. Adults, too, can be encouraged to tell the truth, trust their instincts and suspicions, and give total trust and obedience to no person. How wonderful, if our churches could be characterized by critical thinking, diligent protection of the vulnerable among us, and skepticism toward power structures and personality structures that mimic the culture. We'd be culture-makers, helping create a world in which both the powerful and the powerless are made more safe.
4 Comments:
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Your thoughts remind me of a man I met in Africa. He had a theory that much of the corruption in African governments can be traced to western missionaries. He suggested that most of the people in power had been educated by western missionaries who had no real accountability system (exactly the type of entrepreneurial evangelists you're talking about) and the young African men who later came into positions of power modeled what they had seen as children.
I thought it was an interesting theory. -
I was struck by your thoughts on obedience. I think obedience is a HUMAN condition/failing, not an Evangelical one per se. I think of the Stanley Milgram experiments in which otherwise normal Americans obeyed instruction to inflict harm on another in a laboratory experiment (which, thankfully, wasn't really inflicting harm to the 'confederate' in the experiment). Why would individualistic Americans do this? Because someone in authority told them to do so. Another great study of obedience gone wrong is in the now-getting-old-like-me book, "Crimes of Obedience" by Kelman and Hamilton, that documents many instances in which otherwise ethical, moral individuals committed unethical acts (or ignored the commission of such). Perhaps churches can learn from these studies what conditions lead to "blind obedience" and what factors best encourage members to "speak truth to power."
By
, at 12:05 PM
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Brilliant Jenell - It brings it right home to think of mothering our children to a new generation of church leadership.
I just love how empowering this is. Thank you!By
, at 12:46 PM
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Of course, socializing them into radicalism and resistance will make them delightful children--or maybe it will make them early teenagers. And might it be more useful to them as believers to teach them how to cooperate, collaborate, be community members and also be able to stand on their own to confront others when needed? Would teaching them the virtues of resistance and the courage to be truthtellers possibly leave us with a new generation of romantics who glorify the individual conscience, but find themselves unable to work with others in any sustainable way?
By
, at 8:50 AM
6 Comments:
I'm going to book mark this post and save it forever. Thanks for reminding me that I dont have to be perfect at Christmas or any other time...
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Anonymous, at 3:27 AM
Your boys are still so young, they are BLESSED to have a mother who parents in the present. You are aware of your flaws, they will be as well, but are also sharing yourself with them generously and honestly.
I believe there is a book called, The Myth of the Perfect Mother, by Carla Barnhill, that might come in handy in some such situations.....just a plug!
shelley
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