Monday, May 05, 2008
A second cackling
I’ve wondered this year whether or not I’m becoming a crone. I’ve carried patriarchy around for years, dealing with it when it cries, patting it to sleep, even feeding it when absolutely necessary. For a number of reasons, mostly related to aging, I’m losing patience. “Grow up already and stop sucking me dry!”, is what I want to say to patriarchy. (Or is that what I want to say to my kids…like I said, I’m on unsteady footing here.) For instance, in the comments section of “Cacklings of an Emerging Crone,” I felt impatient when one person took the multi-stranded, interesting conversation back to the most tedious starting point imaginable. Not that Scripture is tedious, but approaching it with that question framed that way is. At least to me. At least right now.
I have succeeded professionally as an evangelical woman, in part, by avoiding seminary and church work; I did secular graduate education in a field unrelated to religion and then Christian college teaching. My paycheck and livelihood do not depend upon pleasing gender traditionalists, which is a very good thing. But still I have used charm and even flirtation to succeed in Christian settings. If you’re a young woman who isn’t too hard to look at, you can maneuver through an institution by making the men above you feel cool, attractive, with-it, or not sexist. Another gendered method of success is to play the men’s game. Use of name-dropping, vitae-citing, competitive conversational styles such as interrupting or loudness, lots of travel and conferencing, scholarly productivity, and maintaining the appearance of being an able-bodied, able-minded, unencumbered individual. My third gendered method of success is and was to cultivate a network of supportive, like-minded men and women in my organization/sphere who go my speed; I find them nearly everywhere. (So please don't assume I'm criticizing particular persons or places - I've taught at four institutions in three different states and have been active in numerous churches.)
But infertility, three back-to-back pregnancies, and now a boatload of dependents, put an end to my games. My charm is fading by the day as a triple dose of postpartum effects deplete my body, skin, and face. Men my father’s age, with whom I used to be able to cultivate a quasi-professional quasi-daughter-father relationship with, are retiring and I have to deal with my contemporaries and even younger men. I can’t beat men at their own game anymore because I’m just not a man. Men have challenges balancing work and family, no doubt, but women’s challenges are just different. I’m feeling like a hunched-over, tired-out, dried-up crone who doesn’t watch her tongue or her back. I only have so much time on this earth and don’t want to spend any more of it pandering to patriarchy, succeeding by spurious methods, or losing ground because of my gender. I just want to get my work done.
But honestly, my vision of cronehood pretty much derives from Scripture. “Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.” Where in our Christian world would such a woman be praised, who lives and moves from her own God-created center? Where would men honor women as equals, even when those women challenge them, create discomfort, suggest new processes, and cast new visions? Where would men value old crones as much as young princesses? May we females be Proverbs 31 women, and may men and women together shape communities in which such women are praised.
I’d like to develop a few posts here that keep this conversation going. Rather than continue banging the theology drum, why not consider practice? Even though many (most?) in the young Reformed crowd would deny pastoral leadership or eldership to women, many (most?) men in that movement want to work harmoniously with women in other roles. In emergent and other woman-affirming movements and organizations, men also want to work well with women and are often flummoxed when their well-intentioned efforts backfire. Let’s generate a discussion of practices: Women, what personal or organizational practices make gender relations work? Men, same question. I have a few ideas myself I’ll try to post.
I’ve wondered this year whether or not I’m becoming a crone. I’ve carried patriarchy around for years, dealing with it when it cries, patting it to sleep, even feeding it when absolutely necessary. For a number of reasons, mostly related to aging, I’m losing patience. “Grow up already and stop sucking me dry!”, is what I want to say to patriarchy. (Or is that what I want to say to my kids…like I said, I’m on unsteady footing here.) For instance, in the comments section of “Cacklings of an Emerging Crone,” I felt impatient when one person took the multi-stranded, interesting conversation back to the most tedious starting point imaginable. Not that Scripture is tedious, but approaching it with that question framed that way is. At least to me. At least right now.
I have succeeded professionally as an evangelical woman, in part, by avoiding seminary and church work; I did secular graduate education in a field unrelated to religion and then Christian college teaching. My paycheck and livelihood do not depend upon pleasing gender traditionalists, which is a very good thing. But still I have used charm and even flirtation to succeed in Christian settings. If you’re a young woman who isn’t too hard to look at, you can maneuver through an institution by making the men above you feel cool, attractive, with-it, or not sexist. Another gendered method of success is to play the men’s game. Use of name-dropping, vitae-citing, competitive conversational styles such as interrupting or loudness, lots of travel and conferencing, scholarly productivity, and maintaining the appearance of being an able-bodied, able-minded, unencumbered individual. My third gendered method of success is and was to cultivate a network of supportive, like-minded men and women in my organization/sphere who go my speed; I find them nearly everywhere. (So please don't assume I'm criticizing particular persons or places - I've taught at four institutions in three different states and have been active in numerous churches.)
But infertility, three back-to-back pregnancies, and now a boatload of dependents, put an end to my games. My charm is fading by the day as a triple dose of postpartum effects deplete my body, skin, and face. Men my father’s age, with whom I used to be able to cultivate a quasi-professional quasi-daughter-father relationship with, are retiring and I have to deal with my contemporaries and even younger men. I can’t beat men at their own game anymore because I’m just not a man. Men have challenges balancing work and family, no doubt, but women’s challenges are just different. I’m feeling like a hunched-over, tired-out, dried-up crone who doesn’t watch her tongue or her back. I only have so much time on this earth and don’t want to spend any more of it pandering to patriarchy, succeeding by spurious methods, or losing ground because of my gender. I just want to get my work done.
But honestly, my vision of cronehood pretty much derives from Scripture. “Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, But a woman who fears the LORD, she shall be praised.” Where in our Christian world would such a woman be praised, who lives and moves from her own God-created center? Where would men honor women as equals, even when those women challenge them, create discomfort, suggest new processes, and cast new visions? Where would men value old crones as much as young princesses? May we females be Proverbs 31 women, and may men and women together shape communities in which such women are praised.
I’d like to develop a few posts here that keep this conversation going. Rather than continue banging the theology drum, why not consider practice? Even though many (most?) in the young Reformed crowd would deny pastoral leadership or eldership to women, many (most?) men in that movement want to work harmoniously with women in other roles. In emergent and other woman-affirming movements and organizations, men also want to work well with women and are often flummoxed when their well-intentioned efforts backfire. Let’s generate a discussion of practices: Women, what personal or organizational practices make gender relations work? Men, same question. I have a few ideas myself I’ll try to post.
14 Comments:
Once again fantastic thoughts. Regarding practices, I think your earlier words on having to play the man's game need serious consideration. Until the men see that they play the game in distinct ways that often force women to be like them or stay silent it will be difficult to actually do things together. Compromise and sacrifice are needed by both sides, but often the group holding the places of power will have to sacrifice and change more. So while I hear words of affirmation from men, I rarely see that sacrifice. hence the feelings of rejection women still feel even within affirming groups like emergent.
By
Julie, at 2:47 PM
The games you mentioned that men and women play in relationship to each other reminds me of a book I am reading with my colleagues entitled "The Male-Female Continuum." It describes the journeys of men and women alike in relationship with one another as they (hopefully) move from collusion to colleagueship. Its a good read.
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Kasey Lane McCollum, at 3:01 PM
Nothing kills a cooperative, egalitarian environment like having a concealed agenda. When a group of people are earnestly seeking the best for one another, it creates an environment where an insecure man doesn't feel the need to play the "man's game"...which usually alienates women.
Emerging circles have a LONG way to go. I really want to learn and grow in this area, but I feel like the field is flooded with good intentions and few actions. When I try to foster healthy male/female relationships in my networks, it brings up awkwardness and pain.
As a man, I'm realizing that I have to do more than simply invite women to be a part of the sorts of ventures I'm involved with. Within evangelical and emerging circles it still isn't exactly safe for women. And so, when the invitation goes out, I notice that women are skeptical or hesitate...but men just jump right in. After all, men in America have been trained for hundreds of years that it is GOOD for men to be quick and assertive. This is a trait that many women have been told is inappropriate for women.
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markvans, at 3:05 PM
Damn, Jenell - you're on a roll.
Markvans -
You said "When I try to foster healthy male/female relationships in my networks, it brings up awkwardness and pain."
Obviously, I'm not a part of the specific situations you are referring to, but is it possible that awkwardness and pain coming to the surface is a GOOD thing? that it is a necessary process of building honest and deep and truly reciprocal relationships? Many women in the church have experienced deep pain that is directly connected to their femaleness. I know I have, and if, for example, you and I were to work together in any sort of meaningful way, my story and I myself would almost certainly make you deeply uncomfortable at times. It would not be easy for either of us, and we would see things VERY differently at times.
Frankly, if it was never awkward and painful, that would mean that I didn't trust you and had decided not to bother to engage. Just food for thought.
And might I suggest that when women don't respond to invitations to join what you are doing, there might be more going on than women not being trained to be assertive? (And I applaud you for issuing the invitations.) First, that is a culturally specific trait. African-American women, for example, are very much raised to be strong and assertive. Secondly, it may not be the case that women are afraid to lead or get involved in general, but that they are hesitant to do so in the context of your specific project.
I'm pretty assertive, and rather enjoy sharing my opinion, but I would be pretty reluctant to join most emerging/evangelical projects - not because I doubt my abilities or am afraid, but because, in my experience, I'd have to deal with so much crap that I've decided it just isn't worth it. There are so many other great things that I can do that DON'T require me to constantly navigate endemic sexism, so you'd have to make a pretty convincing argument to get me on board.
I think it's great that you are actively working to foster egalitarian male/female relationships in your networks, and I hope you continue to do so. But it isn't easy, and it is hard and awkward and will lose you some serious status with the powers that be. It's worth it, but working for change is not an easy road.
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Christy, at 3:41 PM
Certainly Christy. My reason for pointing out the awkwardness and pain wasn't to suggest that we should avoid working through these issues, but to illuminate why most men tend to avoid working through these issues. I'm sorry I wasn't clearer.
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markvans, at 3:51 PM
Jenelle,
Such good thoughts. Thank you. There is so much tension here... and as Mark said, we have a LONG way to go. I tend to chuckle when I see churches who say that they want women in leadership, even pastor roles... and there websites show me something very different. Very true that we as men are going to need to do more than just extend the invitation or speak with our mouths.
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Nate B, at 4:02 PM
Mark -
Fair enough. If you ever figure out how to motivate most men to engage and work through these issues - even when it's hard - I'd love to hear how you did it.
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Christy, at 4:11 PM
I'm uncertain about labeling things like "use of name-dropping, vitae-citing, competitive conversational styles such as interrupting or loudness, lots of travel and conferencing, scholarly productivity, and maintaining the appearance of being an able-bodied, able-minded, unencumbered individual" as merely a "man's game". If I know women who do many of these things too, sometimes eagerly and authentically, are they simply playing by men's rules and not being truly themselves? If I know men who don't do these things, does that make them less masculine? Is there another list that could be described as more feminine strategies or would that end up stereotyping women just as much as the previous list stereotypes men?
Not trying to be argumentative. These are just honest questions.
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Mike Clawson, at 6:47 PM
Mike,
Great comment. When men are argumentative, combative, etc., they are playing a men's game that they've learned -- it is a pattern of socialization that has roots in male privilege -- it is not the 'natural' way of all men, and individual men are socialized into it just as women are.
The public sphere was largely shaped by men (not by _all_ individual men, but by representatives of that group), and women joined in later. Women have to play by the rules, change the rules, insist on being different...somehow make it in a system whose origins and modes of operation are not their own.
You are right to insist that we not essentialize gender -- saying that, by nature, men are one way and women are another. It is difficult to discuss gendered patterns of interaction and institution without essentializing.
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Jenell, at 7:25 PM
So glad to have found this conversation. My typical way of coping has been to pretend there's nothing wrong, pretend I'm not really playing out a gender role or playing into an unequal system. The other day, I found myself wondering how all of that would work for me as an older woman--a pretty sure sign that I've been playing a game, woudn't you say? But still I struggle, wondering how often we can let God's good gift of gender--either grasping at patriarchy or trying to tear it down--get in the way of really pursuing the kingdom together.
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Emily, at 10:31 PM
Good stuff, Janell (and commenters). This may be out there, but here goes. Everybody talks about the democratizing quality of the Web: do you all feel that this new medium is helping to set new norms of how the genders treat each other? Or is the "man's game" already set up here, too?
I mean, having a blog doesn't make a person enlightened, that's for sure. But in terms of practices, in what ways could a community of bloggers be a great model for an emerging church that respects both genders?
Sorry if that sounds teacherly -- that's what I do for a living.
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Ed, at 2:51 AM
In my experience, the blogosphere isn't MORE egalitarian. Instead, it merely intensifies and speeds up the sorts of connections and ideas that are already there.
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markvans, at 10:02 AM
So I keep trying to respond to this in a cohesive and coherent way, and it's just not happening right now. Needless to say, thank you for bringing up this conversation.
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Leya, at 7:16 PM
Jenell, thank you for constructively engaging this topic. It seems to be one of those issues around which there's a good deal of heat, but significantly less light!
I appreciated your use of the imagery of crone; I've jokingly referred to myself as a crone since my early 30s, as my children are older than most of my peers', placing me in a stage of life not exactly compatible with my age. Interestingly enough, I've also found it a stage which I can wholeheartedly embrace. There's something profoundly comforting to waking up one morning to find all the "charm" gone! The games are over, and at last I can be content simply as I am. It's a very solid footing for cross-gender relations, and one I wish I'd found sooner.
In the context of this new freedom to be myself, I'm also finding my niche within a local "emergent" community. This community, in particular, is predominantly male (on many occasions, I'm the only woman present); nevertheless, I have found the men to be deeply hospitable. One thing which may contribute to this is the sense that we're all "in the dark" together. As we experiment with community, and new expressions of faith, none of us feels we have a solid footing. This uncertainty, I believe, serves as a point of commonality, as well as a source of humility.
In addition, several of the men have very intentionally invited me into the community, creating space for me and listening to a voice that is undoubtedly a different one. I've been very grateful for the ways in which they've extended themselves.
For my part, I've done my best to take lightly the stereotypically male dynamics. In any predominately male group (or female, for that matter) there's bound to be a distinct "tone" reflecting the gender of its constituents. As a new "guest" within this community, I believe it is my part to not take this personally, or allow myself to feel excluded by it. I believe that eventually we will (organically) build together a new dynamic of community which reflects the relationship between and among genders. It's also my prayer that we will be able to extend hospitality to other women who will further enrich our interactions.
As I'm sure that we'll hit some snags along the road, I'm anxious to hear of others' experiences, as well--wisdom for future reference!
By
Lori, at 7:37 PM
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